Living with imperfections and empathy

My child called me last night to vent about one of her favorite shows writer making a thoughtless racist comment on a Twitter feed. This is particularly agregious to her as she also has to deal with her own father's image right now. She and I have never been closer to a difficult reality such as this. On the one hand, the favorite show is a moment of entertainment. Her father is forever. How do you deal with someone who believes that their race is an impediment, yet, uses said impediment as a crutch to state that they are one, discriminated against and two, the reason that the disrimination happens is because another group keeps his group down? Worst of all, there is woeful little proof of such a belief. He can write all that he does in a public forum. He goes on seminars, he is listened to. There are countries in the world where such freedom of speech is met with jail time. However, because this situation is such a hotbed, I find that I have been trying to understand where his hate comes from? I spent almost a whole day with a Reporter/Researcher whom I know casually, and whom I respect, telling her about him. She too was confused by his vile article and past writings denigrating the very group he received so much help from for a very large part of his life. I have to conclude that his disappointment with the way things turned out for (only him)was such that he cannot move forward as a well adjusted emotional being. he has to blame someone outside of himself. He thus sees the problem as a race and not as something that he has experienced that was difficult and has to be seen as not unique to him. But that has definitely prooven impossible. So now he is writing things that reflect what he has never worked out within himself. Yesterday I was very tempted to contact him. But I now realize that I can do nothing but look on. He has chosen his path and he walks it. What I care about is that our child gets no splash back for his actions. Then, on my part, it shows me that there is complexity in love. He was a huge part of my life for a very long time. I do not make a distinction between the person I am constantly challenged by and the person who loved me so much. I do not have to like him now. I do not have to like his behavior. But I will always care about him, and if he is ever in need of something or he is hurt or ill, of course I would do what I can to assist. I conclude that I must have empathy where he is concerned. I must have it, as whatever he is going through, it is hard to watch and hard to know about. As last week, so many people just had to tell me all about what he did. It does not matter that I have divorced him many years ago. I tell people that, and they still turn to me for answers about him! Go figure? He is kept alive in my thoughts all the time. I cannot ignore it outright. So I have decided that it will be my decision to respond to him and about him as is comfortable for me. He does not represent me in any way and he does not represent our child either. All of this tells me to also keep my focus and my eye on the best for the lovely person we created together, and that is the point that I will deal with whatever comes down the road.

The weeks ahead shall be exciting. I am venturing into new territory. There is some fear in the prospect,but today I see fear differently. It no longer breaths its cold air upon my heart, tightening it up and making me tremble. I now respect it as a feeling onto itself. I see, I see you, I get a whiff of your ice. But I also say thank you. You stand with me to let me know that anything is possible, including errors, something that I cringe over. Yet, that too is part of the journey. I guess I am growing up. Lol.

One of the things I think I defined for myself this year is to listen to my body in regard to people and situations that I need clarity on. Too many things have happened to ignore it. I listen differently. I would say more pro-actively, for myself and the person I am speaking to. What motivates the outburst? What does it "trigger' in me? What do I want to achieve by expending my energy in a particular way? This means that I can see (the play) I watch the situation as one would a chess game. It is extremely helpful to me now,as finally, finally I am utilizing my ability and skills in my life. I have always felt as though I had no control over my life, particularly as a very young adult. Now,by stilling myself, by being more conscious of my intentions and definately, now that I can set my intentions and stay focused, life is much more manageable for me.

Back into LOCK DOWN

I take a moment to be grateful. I stop my mind from overprocessing and flipping over onto itself every minute detail of consequences and alternatives to what I am experiencing right now. Yes, I am writing about Juliemangoman. But before I explore that, I must go into a situation that happened yesterday. My mother had a falling out with me and we had a back and forth. We have not argued in a long time, so the outburst was odd, and I of course felt right away that I had points that I wanted to get across and I wanted to be heard. Naturally needing to be heard requires talking loudly. Then suddenly for me, I had a sort of out of body experience where I observed both of us and I got mindful of what was happening in my body as we expressed ourselves. I realised that I could push away from the negative energy that we were creating. I did what Eckhart Tolle writes about, I found the space between us and the argument. In so doing, I was able to seperate myself from the words hurled at me and see that her outburst was not about me at all. Once that happened, I was able to forgive the argument, but also, I was able to have empathy with her. I could see that everything she was saying was out of her fear and her sadness and of course her bereavement. We have been through so much. She must expel the emotions that have nowhere to go. Of course I was still smarting from the encounter when we went to the pool, and I was quiet as I did my laps. But I too needed to have a moment. I wanted an apology knowing very well that none would come....see the last entry regarding complements from others. (lol) Later, when my child and I spoke and she told me that her father finally complemented her on her work, she was annoyed that he did it so late. I let her know that while he would have done it too late in her mind, he did do it, and in a way, she has been able to be her own cheering squad in the meantime, and that what she feels about herself is ultimately more important. So now back to juliemangoman. If I jettison fear and anxiety, I find that I can vaguely see the woman I used to be. The one who had the attitude that men were inferior to me. (yes, I believed this wihtout reservation) and it was the reason that I was able to be very removed from my experiences even with my husband. It protected me. Now, I am in freefall as far as my emotions are concerned. My rules have flown out the window and I feel like an ugly duckling. But I also feel elated about stepping away from the gilded cage I made myself. I am considering going for it. Meaning, being vulnerable, (SURRENDERING) Accepting myself. Being vulnerable. I actually always am, I just color it with arrogance (lol) I always had to have one over on whomever I was with, even when they thought that they were in control. ALso, I had to always pull back, always have something in reserve that could not be reached. Now I find that I feel completely exposed in every way. It is such a strange feeling. I feel a natural trust and comfort and I aso feel so frightened to give anything. Yet, my body betrays me every time. My body gallops ahead of me and wants to play with him. (ha,ha,ha) I am someone who always wants guarantees. I act once I weigh all of the moves. In this situation, I relish the spontaneity. I enjoy and appreciate removing all of the social moreys that create the illusion that you are having a relationship with another person that is so great until it isn't. Being so far away from the other we do not check in with each other all the time. We are going about our lives. When we do check in, we are present. I now know that our government has made it clear that the country shall remain in lockdown for the rest of the year. he wants to come home and I know that he will definately try to do that as soon as he can. This pandemic leaves everything up in the air and expectations very open...it is absolutely organic. Who knows what can happen next? All I know is that we met each other three years ago and the attraction is still there, and perhaps that is enough.

One experience and I am off as though I am in a race with a great reward at the end. I ask myself, what do I have to lose? Ok, I have all of these things I have to work on and I don't want to be watched too closely. But there is a saying that I remembered,

love does not find you at your best, it finds you in a mess

. That is so funny. That is how I feel about myself. But what if I take a look at the other side. What about I focus on what I do have for a damn minute? When I do that,I instantly realise that it is myself I am always at war with. In asking what is it that I feel that I want,I see that I want myself first. I want to be at peace with myself, for in that peace I can breath. So why is it that I am always wrangling with myself, always fretful? I want to get some relief, both with solutions to what I fall back to complain about, but also, from the constant challenge to by psyche. It is a tough thing to do, and guess what, I am finally seeing why I have been terrified to ask someone to sooth me with good words. I fear that because I may be soothed in a bath of complements,but that that is but a superficial salve, and that at the end of the day, it could never go deeply into my heart to convince me that it is actually true. It would never be true as long as I do not believe it. So wanting it from others, or moreso, wanting it from a partner, already prooves problematic. The co-dependency must be scrutinized. I can see today as well that in always wanting to make myself right, I have sacrificed some of my greater desires. I have made myself right for the very things that I DO NOT WANT to be in my heart. But now I must be kind to myself, as a large part of that agreement has occured through moments of sadness, pain, depression and helplessness. It comes from childood on the playground. It comes from looking for it ever since in the words of others, as though I was not enough for me. I sought acceptance outside of myself until I could come to a place where I could see the big picture for what it is, a picture. Not etched in stone, but ongoing in its vision. The complements I crave must first come from my assurance that it is actually true on the inside. So to allow such kindness from without, I must acknowledge it from within. I have to know that I am beautiful, that I am loving, kind, fun, a great friend. I add to the list and as I squirm at the very thought that I can see myself in perfection with all of my frailties, only then can I accept the love that I want from without.

Terrified terrific

Being in conflict with yourself is a literal hell of a thing. Juliemangoman and I had some fun yesterday, and I have found that knowing him has shifted my thinking about relationships and even my perceptions of myself. I wrote a while back that I am used to being pursued. But also, my expectations have never been challenged as they have now. I have always been fact checking my desires. As a prolific list maker, I have not ever really given thought to the other side of that comfortable behavior until now. He is the first person I have met who is so open, yet I don't know a great deal about him. I know that I can ask him anything, and I feel that I can also tell him anything and he would not be judgemental. I realise that I squirm when I think about wanting something more, as covid-19 in particular keeps us apart. But now I am wondering to myself, what's wrong with just enjoying this amn as I have always said? He makes me happy. There, I said it. He makes me happy. I really, really like him. Watching him yesterday in his kitchen and around his son was just special. I feel awkward. I am constantly looking critically at myself. Doing that is tireing. I have things that I want to change. I have things that I am not able to accept and that wears on me every day. It keeps me back and it makes me sad too. Yet, sometimes, I can rise above that and just be damn thankful to be fucking alive! When I move past those things, I feel so much better. This is my struggle, and I have to deal with it. In so doing, I know that someone's attraction to me brings with it some doubt that is on my side because of how I feel about myself. I also know that I am shooting mself in the foot whenever I bring myself down as I do. I cannot be attractive because I am projecting the worst thoughts to myself. So what to do? I come here. I write it down. I look at it. I hear my thoughts. I make a resolution to do and be better. That is a start. Yesterday I could not believe how much I just loved spending some time talking with him and flirting and getting up to some naughtiness too. He brings out a side of me that I like. I have been so afraid to put my feeling out and the insecurity I have about my physical appearance compounds it. I would like to talk with him about it perhaps...but I am a bit skittish because there is also pride and fear of appearing needy., when what it really is is the ability to be vulnerable. You cannot have any relationship without letting down your guard. I know that I feel so comfortable with him, so it is just me having old assumptions based on my experiences. I think that that last situation with that person I have known for over a decade that went nowhere and then we never spoke again, was not very helpful.So that does not make things any better. So I am also faced with when someone acts bizaarly too, where am I factoring in that shit? SO for me, I am in flux...feeling confident and then feeling exposed and weird at the same time. Feeling like a mess. I think that when I speak with him again I will talk a bit about it. I think that I can. He makes me feel good and I thnk that it is time to reveal a bt more about myself to him.

Color and coloured

It has been a while since I have last posted. I had a situation with my power cord to my machine. So much has gone on that I cannot begin from the beginning. Voting just ended in my country and the Opposition ran a racist campaign. (Yeh,they actually did that) and now one of 'their' companies has been boycotted and they cannot understand why they have to pay for one person's racist statements. Today I have to write that I am extremely pleased with the stance on racism. Covid-19 has equalized so many aspects of life. Right now we are still facing the fallout of the Oppositions racist rants online everywhere and on your phone too. But I see further along. There is a great opportunity to define better for all of us. One person in response to the boycott has suggested that they create an apatheid sytem. Yes, that is the thinking of one of the Oppositions supporters. This development begs the question, can things really change? The answer is an unequivocal yes. Citizens do not have to take one groups impression of them as the only way. That is what abolition of slavery was all about. One is not helpless or homeless. There is not only one way to do something. You do not have to purchase anything from anyone who takes your money and deems you a cockroach as the person stated in their rant. Cockroaches educated them cockroaches made them wealthy. Well these cockroaches are now marching with our cockroach money away from you racist opinions and building something much better, and guess what, we don't hate you. Racism is a sickness. We know that you are hurting and want to see life as a skin color. We get it. Poverty can seem to be a race. But it really isnt. Name a country where there is no poverty? I may not see many of a certain race in destitution in my country, but I certainly see it when I visit their country of origin and it all looks the same. Confronting raist stereotyping is so healthy for the wrld to discuss. It must be seen as an outdated, dispiccable practice that must be wiped from the face of the Earth. Until that time, the growing pains of our opposition is a test to us all and an opportunity to truly act like the better human beings we can become.