One experience and I am off as though I am in a race with a great reward at the end. I ask myself, what do I have to lose? Ok, I have all of these things I have to work on and I don't want to be watched too closely. But there is a saying that I remembered,

love does not find you at your best, it finds you in a mess

. That is so funny. That is how I feel about myself. But what if I take a look at the other side. What about I focus on what I do have for a damn minute? When I do that,I instantly realise that it is myself I am always at war with. In asking what is it that I feel that I want,I see that I want myself first. I want to be at peace with myself, for in that peace I can breath. So why is it that I am always wrangling with myself, always fretful? I want to get some relief, both with solutions to what I fall back to complain about, but also, from the constant challenge to by psyche. It is a tough thing to do, and guess what, I am finally seeing why I have been terrified to ask someone to sooth me with good words. I fear that because I may be soothed in a bath of complements,but that that is but a superficial salve, and that at the end of the day, it could never go deeply into my heart to convince me that it is actually true. It would never be true as long as I do not believe it. So wanting it from others, or moreso, wanting it from a partner, already prooves problematic. The co-dependency must be scrutinized. I can see today as well that in always wanting to make myself right, I have sacrificed some of my greater desires. I have made myself right for the very things that I DO NOT WANT to be in my heart. But now I must be kind to myself, as a large part of that agreement has occured through moments of sadness, pain, depression and helplessness. It comes from childood on the playground. It comes from looking for it ever since in the words of others, as though I was not enough for me. I sought acceptance outside of myself until I could come to a place where I could see the big picture for what it is, a picture. Not etched in stone, but ongoing in its vision. The complements I crave must first come from my assurance that it is actually true on the inside. So to allow such kindness from without, I must acknowledge it from within. I have to know that I am beautiful, that I am loving, kind, fun, a great friend. I add to the list and as I squirm at the very thought that I can see myself in perfection with all of my frailties, only then can I accept the love that I want from without.