Back into LOCK DOWN

I take a moment to be grateful. I stop my mind from overprocessing and flipping over onto itself every minute detail of consequences and alternatives to what I am experiencing right now. Yes, I am writing about Juliemangoman. But before I explore that, I must go into a situation that happened yesterday. My mother had a falling out with me and we had a back and forth. We have not argued in a long time, so the outburst was odd, and I of course felt right away that I had points that I wanted to get across and I wanted to be heard. Naturally needing to be heard requires talking loudly. Then suddenly for me, I had a sort of out of body experience where I observed both of us and I got mindful of what was happening in my body as we expressed ourselves. I realised that I could push away from the negative energy that we were creating. I did what Eckhart Tolle writes about, I found the space between us and the argument. In so doing, I was able to seperate myself from the words hurled at me and see that her outburst was not about me at all. Once that happened, I was able to forgive the argument, but also, I was able to have empathy with her. I could see that everything she was saying was out of her fear and her sadness and of course her bereavement. We have been through so much. She must expel the emotions that have nowhere to go. Of course I was still smarting from the encounter when we went to the pool, and I was quiet as I did my laps. But I too needed to have a moment. I wanted an apology knowing very well that none would come....see the last entry regarding complements from others. (lol) Later, when my child and I spoke and she told me that her father finally complemented her on her work, she was annoyed that he did it so late. I let her know that while he would have done it too late in her mind, he did do it, and in a way, she has been able to be her own cheering squad in the meantime, and that what she feels about herself is ultimately more important. So now back to juliemangoman. If I jettison fear and anxiety, I find that I can vaguely see the woman I used to be. The one who had the attitude that men were inferior to me. (yes, I believed this wihtout reservation) and it was the reason that I was able to be very removed from my experiences even with my husband. It protected me. Now, I am in freefall as far as my emotions are concerned. My rules have flown out the window and I feel like an ugly duckling. But I also feel elated about stepping away from the gilded cage I made myself. I am considering going for it. Meaning, being vulnerable, (SURRENDERING) Accepting myself. Being vulnerable. I actually always am, I just color it with arrogance (lol) I always had to have one over on whomever I was with, even when they thought that they were in control. ALso, I had to always pull back, always have something in reserve that could not be reached. Now I find that I feel completely exposed in every way. It is such a strange feeling. I feel a natural trust and comfort and I aso feel so frightened to give anything. Yet, my body betrays me every time. My body gallops ahead of me and wants to play with him. (ha,ha,ha) I am someone who always wants guarantees. I act once I weigh all of the moves. In this situation, I relish the spontaneity. I enjoy and appreciate removing all of the social moreys that create the illusion that you are having a relationship with another person that is so great until it isn't. Being so far away from the other we do not check in with each other all the time. We are going about our lives. When we do check in, we are present. I now know that our government has made it clear that the country shall remain in lockdown for the rest of the year. he wants to come home and I know that he will definately try to do that as soon as he can. This pandemic leaves everything up in the air and expectations very open...it is absolutely organic. Who knows what can happen next? All I know is that we met each other three years ago and the attraction is still there, and perhaps that is enough.