Terrified terrific

Being in conflict with yourself is a literal hell of a thing. Juliemangoman and I had some fun yesterday, and I have found that knowing him has shifted my thinking about relationships and even my perceptions of myself. I wrote a while back that I am used to being pursued. But also, my expectations have never been challenged as they have now. I have always been fact checking my desires. As a prolific list maker, I have not ever really given thought to the other side of that comfortable behavior until now. He is the first person I have met who is so open, yet I don't know a great deal about him. I know that I can ask him anything, and I feel that I can also tell him anything and he would not be judgemental. I realise that I squirm when I think about wanting something more, as covid-19 in particular keeps us apart. But now I am wondering to myself, what's wrong with just enjoying this amn as I have always said? He makes me happy. There, I said it. He makes me happy. I really, really like him. Watching him yesterday in his kitchen and around his son was just special. I feel awkward. I am constantly looking critically at myself. Doing that is tireing. I have things that I want to change. I have things that I am not able to accept and that wears on me every day. It keeps me back and it makes me sad too. Yet, sometimes, I can rise above that and just be damn thankful to be fucking alive! When I move past those things, I feel so much better. This is my struggle, and I have to deal with it. In so doing, I know that someone's attraction to me brings with it some doubt that is on my side because of how I feel about myself. I also know that I am shooting mself in the foot whenever I bring myself down as I do. I cannot be attractive because I am projecting the worst thoughts to myself. So what to do? I come here. I write it down. I look at it. I hear my thoughts. I make a resolution to do and be better. That is a start. Yesterday I could not believe how much I just loved spending some time talking with him and flirting and getting up to some naughtiness too. He brings out a side of me that I like. I have been so afraid to put my feeling out and the insecurity I have about my physical appearance compounds it. I would like to talk with him about it perhaps...but I am a bit skittish because there is also pride and fear of appearing needy., when what it really is is the ability to be vulnerable. You cannot have any relationship without letting down your guard. I know that I feel so comfortable with him, so it is just me having old assumptions based on my experiences. I think that that last situation with that person I have known for over a decade that went nowhere and then we never spoke again, was not very helpful.So that does not make things any better. So I am also faced with when someone acts bizaarly too, where am I factoring in that shit? SO for me, I am in flux...feeling confident and then feeling exposed and weird at the same time. Feeling like a mess. I think that when I speak with him again I will talk a bit about it. I think that I can. He makes me feel good and I thnk that it is time to reveal a bt more about myself to him.