From talked about to talked to

To my surprise today I got a call from the friend who just up and called me with the statement that we neeeded to take a break from each other. It had caught me off guard because between us, she was always the one calling me several times a day. Particularly as I was helping her with a few projects of hers. We had never found ourselves at odds, apart from when I had to put my foot down with the way she stirred herself up into a lather about some half phantom issues happening to her.I could not sit by and hear her disparage herself. I have also written about a few challenges she has made me feel because of how the friendship was being conducted....I don't think that that is too strong a word to describe it. It began to feel like work. Anyway, I was not thrilled to have any conversation with her. I was proven right when she proceeded to want to make some dramatic statements about when we last spoke. My sister has had a similar experience with a friend who behaved the same way after she (my sister) was dealing with the loss of her closest female friend. The situation was too similar in every way. I had some time to think about it, and I have an unexpected view of all of this. When I got divorced, I lost the sense of trust from friendships with others. Friendship is very important to me. I have always said that it is more important than love relationships because without friendship, love cannot happen. Now, I was thinking that she has been in my life for a reason and that I should accept that I am responsible for my part. My part can easily breed more distrust. More shutting myself off. more negative expectations from others. I don't choose to think like that anymore. I don't even choose to consider her an issue to me. She is going through whatever she is dealing with. Thinking that she is this and that is a waste of time. I want to give what I want to get out of the friendships that I make from now on. I got what I got with her because It is possible that I too was averse to giving more. Maybe I too was stubborn. Or maybe I was patronizing! I believed that I was being a "friend" when she was neurotic or scared and I am glad to have seen her grow and change for the better over the decade we had something that felt good. Blame really has no plac ein the equation. it is just that I don't deisre to be in a friendship that now feels so one sided and oppressive. I have no beef with her. I just don't want to deal with someone who really doesn't want to work on what may be wrong . but want to blame and want to only remain friends because of what can be gained. I know that that sounds contradictory to what I was just writing so fluently and fluidly. But I think that it is right. I mentioned what I may be reflecting and what I feel she has dished out. I state what I do because I don't want to go through it again with her. It is unpleasant. It seems that she is comfortable behaving that way...making demands as she does....and I am not going to change her. I am not going to put up with it. That's all.It is not for me. That's all.

being talked about

My last entry was about being talked about. I now presume that I am hearing about myself being talked about again because of everyone being at home in these covid times. This time it was about money. I have always found the challenge between having family with wealth while not having it yourself. It is the weirdest thing. Those around you just assume that you too are wealthy and do not need the things that everyone needs to succeed. But now that I write that, I do not even know whether that is at all true. Who knows why you get rejected from certain things? I remember when I returned from college the first time, I was very gung ho about working for a certain company. I set up my entire portfolio with them in mind. But when I was able to get an appointment with the owner, I came to realize that someone I knew (and actually admired) had also contacted them months before and had gotten the job that I had wanted. My timing was just off. Recently I read about someone whose career decisions just sound perfect. Everything they tried their hands at worked to their advantage. I never felt that way. But I have had great moments, so I can at least say that I am not dispondant. All of that got me to thinking about how lives go or don't go according to plan. Every day is an opportunity to begin again.

Yet again I found myself listening to a conversation about me. This time it was all about my ex husband and the letter from his Lawyer to me. As I inadvertently heard the opinions metred out, at first I felt hurt. The usual responces that my family jump to always represent him as somehow superior. I am the victim, yet I am also a loser of some kind. To be viewed that way has made me so upset in the past and yesterday got very heavy very quickly. I wanted to fight back. I wanted to charge into the room and defend myself. But then I did something extraudinary for me. I started to have a little chat with myself and I told myself the following-: Their opinions are theirs to have. I have no business contradicting their views and no need to contradict what they think. Their opinions are just that, opinions and I do not have to believe what they believe. When I said that to myself I felt everything I was thinking and feeling completely lighten up for me. My ex-husband writs the kind of letters and gets his Lawyer to write to me the sort of responces that pack a punch in the beginning and end. It is what is in the middle that is the issue. He wants me to help him financially. But he wants to give me less access to our daughter, and he thinks that he can do it. No one in their right mind would agree to such a non-offer. It is absolutely absurd. I have yet to respond, and I am going to take my time to respond. The nuisance factor is acute. The bullying attempt and the extortion is ridiculous! Again, such a situation would have me in a tailspin. I would be anxiety filled and automatically aggitated by his actions. He has now done this sort of thing so many times that I am no longer moved by his actions. What I am is resolute.