a think, a think, a think

Recently someone we just met assisted us at home with a computer that my mother has wanted to get stated again for the longest time. She had at least three people visit, who said that the machine was beyond help. The fact that this new person could do the diagnostic and make the machine work produced two responses. First of all, it brings into question the level or lack of professionalism by people who are recommended to you. The second,how many times has this happened before? What have we given up on that we should have pursued? However, this entry is actually about the fact that the technician was going away after he dealt with the computer. He is immigrating to New York. He happened to ask me when I plan to make the big move. He was the second person in less than a week to ask me this. Right now, despite all that is still happening with covid-19, I have been up and about and more and more people are getting back to normal. In that element of 'normal' there is the strange feeling of one foot in and one foot out. Some businesses are open and seem to be optimistic. But there are clear signs that others are closed forever. The most amazing thing is the new businesses that are opening up. It is like watching the changes of season. Naturally the next thing is where I stand within all of this. Most recently the other person who is trying to nudge me to leave, also discussed a large project idea with me. I went on the discuss the idea with the other person he discussed the idea with. In so doing, it felt as though I was on a threshold of something. When I feel that way, it is always exciting. I think that I am super lucky in the fact that I can spend so much time in contemplation about possible futures. I had given less and less thought to doing the whole leaving and going abroad thing. Even though I had discussed it with my sister and paid her to file. Covid happened and it was off the table in my mind. I like that the pandemic shows us all that we can work all over the world. I have so many options and I must make a way to secure myself in some way professionally. I know that I am getting there. I feel impatient, but I am confident.

more on the 90 days

People on the show talk about loving the person so much, they are the love of their life and they've only known each other a short time. They are being swept away by their fantasy and the emotions that insue from that. There was one couple, a lady called Darcy who is a twin, and she wore her emotions on her sleeve, her chest, her face! Jeez!!!! She is physically beautiful, but she rushes every chance she has with first, Jessy and then Tom. Watching her makes me anxious.She reminds me of something that happened to me many years ago with one of my neighbours. She offered to give me a lift in her car as she saw me walking on our street. As I got into the car she started the conversation reasonably well, and then she started to talk about her job and her daughter and husband, her challenges with juggling things and before we were even out of our street I realised that I was dealing with someone who was overtly stressed and high strung. She onloaded so much on me that I felt as though I had backed up onto a garbage truck. it was terrible! The show lets me see how so many of us are just emotionally messy. We want other people to heal us. They seem to expect that they need to find another person to feel good about themselves? I do not understand that at all? Other people cannot do that for you. You have to have some sense of self preservation and self respect and care. I know that I got so warm and comfortable when juliemangoman said the things he said to me. I really, really felt a connection. It was when he left and I did not hear from him that I crashed down to earth. I remember how shocked I was that it happened so fast. It was the first of three wake up calls. I hadn't been looking, so I was a bit fortunate that I did not put any opinion or fantasy onto him. But the thing was, he began to make me think, suppose and what if? I got really disappointed that I opened myself to him. I felt embarressed and stupid to think that I could put myself into such a vulnerable place. I help myself by comparing it to what happens with business ventures. Some things are not meant to work out, others do. From what I see for this show...you have to make sure that everything you think someone else can give you is something that you really should give to yourself.

90 day what?

Of late I have been looking at 90 day fiancee and it is telling some stories about human nature that I can learn from. You get to see how much people want to create fantasies.I really question how much people actually work on themselves as they launch themselves into experiences that they know are hopeless or at the very least, challenging. As a divorced person myself I know that I will be walking into any romantic situation with armour around me at first and the scary part is the shielding is there because of how soft I am inside, wanting to experience the best that love can offer. But a conversation with a friend recently answered how to conquer that. He said to me, why is it that so many people want so much from each other but no one is being honest? He then talked about walking into a relationship with one person high and the other person low...meaning, the other person has blinders up and the other person has rose colored glasses. He suggested that we all enter these emotional relationships with the expectations of becoming friends no matter how insane the hormones behave. I liked that way of thinking. I think I was hoping to achieve that when juliemangoman came along and swept me off of my feet.But I am also aware of how much that intense emotin swept me up. I was lucky to see and feel it, although I felt no control over it taking over my feelings. I felt so very vulnerable! I did not realise how much he had impacted me until he ghosted me the first time. Then he contacted me again and seemed so sincere. Then he ghosted again and I went on to think that we might have some sort of relationship two more times. I knew when I met him that I was wary about romantic relationships. I had just experienced The Towers and Frequent Flyer and I was absolutely jaded. When I encountered him, my first reaction was to completely dismiss him. But he taught me that I still have feelings. I still am both able and capable of a relationship and I am even willing to work on one with the right person for me. So I thank the stars that I got the opportunity to see that my heart is healing.

speak and speak and talk and talk

Sometimes the conversations you have that you are so convinced you are having from a place of knowledge can be a house of cards. Thoughts and ideas are put into your head in subtle and not too subtle ways and before you know it you are repeating statements with conviction that once released you can not take back. This is something that has been happening over the last two weeks with people I know. I have been the observer. Covid-19 has impacted every person in the world no doubt. So many friends and aquaintances are experiencing things that are making them so much more fragile. The fake news and the instability of curfews are the least of the problem. I want to be a listening ear, but it can also get to feel like too much. Empathy is key and listening is essential. I just listen. Giving advice can encourage arguments because really people just want to be heard. It is one hell of a time.