When I was out today I met someone I taught ten years ago. It was nice to see her. The conversation was a bit stilted. Sometimes when I meet people they ask me about what I am doing and reply in ways that I feel awkward. It is as if I am standing still and they are successful. When this happened today I checked myself right away. I asked myself what was it that I felt I am not doing. This was very easy, because right away I saw how much my challenges that I feel have come to the fore. it has nothing to do with anyone asking questions. It has everything to do with how secure I feel about my plans, hopes and dreams. That is all that is. So I gave her a shoulder bump and I then thought about my expectations. There are things that I still want to do. I believe that although covid-19 has been bareable, I feel the way that I do because I want to see successes, I want to move around in certain ways, including travel again. So of course there is a sense of stagnation. But what today did do for me is sort of cradle me in my own arms. I came to my aid and listened to myself and talked about what I was feeling and felt so much better for it. Oddly enough today I saw how much my ex husband and I were alike. I sat down and really had to take a long hard look at my personality.If I am not careful I could brood. if I am not careful I can fixate on the worst case scenarios for me. This year I started a few things that I thought would help me financially and they did not work out. I find that I pile on. I spread my reach and hope that something would work out. That lotto behavior is extremely challenging as lots of energy goes toward all of the ventures. Nothing is guaranteed,yet, lack of something panning out is very frustrating! How you manage disappointment is key. What do I have inside me to lead me along the path to succeed? What do I need to do? It is a cycle. Still, you learn and soldier on.

Emotional IQ

After an absolute age I met up with some old friends this Saturday. Of course we were all masked, but we recognized each other easily and I concluded that that comes from always looking each other in the eyes. A sign of real friendships. One of the things I heard and stuck with me from so many great things,was her planning to give a gift to a foreign friend and that gift was a local work that we were talking about. A simple thing, easily taken for granted. But just the planning, based on what you do and what you expect was key to me in that moment. It was one of a slew of nudges at my listening post...those moments that guide your thoughts. At times I feel so dis-associated with what I do. I don't think of myself the way that I do of others.I see everyone elses life as planned out and working well. I am not always as certain. Thus the question to myself about being divided. If I am going to be up and down, I have to use a different tactic for myself. I started with taking a good look at that belief, seeing how much it doesn't represent me. It is slow going. I fall back many times. It is present in all aspects of my life. I want to know now what I am planning and thinking as though I am new to myself. I am so optimistic one moment, so enthusiastic and sure. Then the next it is as though I am sliding down a slide with twists and turns. I have decided to embrace that and to see it for what it is. It lasts as much as joy does. My tendency towards always 'feeling' and thinking....and then my doing and being....are all about give and take. I have my moments. As I write, I am very grateful for this contemplation. I do not know whether I have successfully captured what I mean to write. I must continue to put one foot before the other. Feel the things I feel and still put one foot in front of the other.

What up with the treadmill?

Imagine that covid-19 is making people actually insist that they want to get back to lives that made them deeply unhappy? I cannot wrap my head around that? Particularly that as far as I can see, I believe that people have the opportunity to re-negotiate what kind of work they want to be doing on a much better platform than probably at any time in my memory. Some small pockets of people are doing it. but the majority are not. Many people are more about defying the vaccine than considering the future of work. ......................................................................................................................... I can write all of that but really, what am I seeing for my own future of work? .........................................................................................................................what do I want to be doing now? Where do I want to be going? To be master of my own ship I have always diversified. Unfortunately I cannot say that I have been made financially wealthy for the efforts. A couple of successes will go a long way. That never changes....complete control over ones creativity with expected gains from projects that produce continuous profit. That's the goal....Work Hard/Play Hard...thus more travel and positive experiences while creating comfort where I live and work. Produce things I would like to experience and give others lasting wonderful experiences in the process. Build up a reputatin for exceptional work and give back in ways that bring satisfaction to people for their lives and the lives of generations to come. In all of that it would be great to win an award or two where it counts and to use that to garner more employment for others. This includes projects that transcend my own lifetime. I can go on, but that is a pretty satisfying start in my book. Oh, of course, also as guilty as it sounds, who wouldn;t also want to be on the ground floor to the next Bitcoin too, and ultimately doing all of it without exploiting others to achieve it.

Squid Games and Money Heist

Two shows that produced an unusual thought in me. Both of these popular tv series speak of is the heady dream of winning or stealing an unspeakable amount of money.For both,the decision hinges on life and death. the moral cunundrums of life and death. Both shows had their characters mention that they would love to get away from "it' all and move to the Caribbean and live on a beach. I don't know where people get that fantasy from? Lol. Living in everyone's fantasy is a bizaar experience. Even we in the Caribbean dream of living on the beach. I remember in 2001 I went to Grand Riviere in Toco and there was a lady who did live on the said beach. She had dreadlocks down to her ankles and dressed in African garb and leather slippers and was tending to one of her many children while selling peppersauce from bottles that once held ketchup. She looked beautiful with her nose ring and little faux gold jewellery nestled into some of her locks. her half nail polished fingers wisened by age and hard work jooking washing on stones in the river. I don't know who feels that that life can somehow pay for the life that you really tell yourself you have to have, the life that includes a washer and dryer. I remember as well visiting Shitiping in Taiwan, a quaint little fishing village where again the people made you feel seduced by a simpler life. But across the road from them there was the inevitable development of high rised spectacular billion dollar 'beachfront' properties. Both the very rich and very poor had something in common, similar taste and good attitude. They were all very nice, kind, helpful. They let you into their home and told their story of hard work to own what they had. There is no perfect place where you go to forget about life. You are always inside life. I know of people who have inherited wealth, quite a few actually! There is nothing about their windfall that tells me that they are not as anxiety filled as anyone else. I think that you can always find your head above the water that literally represents your money, and your always bobbing and swimming and trying not to drown if you have miles of it or just a cup full of it. So it isn't about that. It is more about what is happiness really? It is fleeting. It is moment to moment and many times it cannot be bought. You can purchase many things that give you that buzz of the new, of the rare, of the ONLY for you status. Your on that beach in your hammock and you have beaten life at its game. Ok, but what next? I wonder how many of us can survive paradise?

October. Where did the time go?I had my moments. Jeez! I cannot deny that I have found some comfort in not worrying about what I am wearing or/and all the other activities that go with leaving home every day. Missing my dad absolutely every day in different degrees of sadness. Doing my usual obsessive research and creation of yet another site or project and way to create a job for myself. I have gone back to Linkedin,started a Fiverr account (didn't continue) a Patreon account (then decided it also wasn't for me. I looked into an NFT Art Site that went belly up. Took money out of my only mutual fund to put on a sliver of Bitcoin and Etherium and then somehow couldn't get the money to clear and then when it did I had to spend it on something more pressing. Talk about the ironies of life. I had wanted to buy Bitcoin in its early days and hesitated only because of the dark web implications and my sister who lives in New York dragged her feet and didn't see what I was talking about. O well. But the year has also been filled with discoveries for me and new beginnings in my field in terms of where I want to go. I am still excited and optimistic and scared and exilerated at the same time. So, there is that. Lol.