Since the death of my father and my aunt and a slew of friends of my family over the last eighteen months, I have of course had to confront my own mortality. What I have discovered is that in projecting my thoughts forward to how old I shall be in three, five, ten, fifteen years from now, anxiety sets in. Everything speeds up and I hope that what I can control will be controlled. I get instantly maudling knowing that my loved ones will not be with me forever. But also, I appreciate what I have right now and I have decided that I shall do my best to say thank you and to be grateful for every moment. Amidst all of this, yesterday for an example, I went to my daughters' home to drop something for her. I no longer put the package outside her door because he made such a stink about it, and threatened to throw everything away the last time in front of her, so I have gone to deliver things aboutfour times this yearwhen I know he is not there. But yesterday he caught her when she took up the package. The whole thing yesterday was writ large in my mind as to how absurd he has made things for all of us. I contacted my sister and she told me that my only recourse is weekly police visits to complain about his not bringing her to my home. The difference for me yesterday was that I found myself at an emotional and mental crossroads. I felt like, it doesn't matter if this is a prisonlike experience to me. I have to look above, beyond and through the situation at hand. No one is coming to save me.(lol)I have seen the situation from my perspective and his.To me, I have had my mind on this for over a decade.All I think I have achieved is stress and no support, no positive solution at the end of the day. Now I am done with it all. The pattern that wants to be played is another huge injection of money into lawyers and court dates and I have refused to go there. Our child meanwhile is seeing all of this playing out in her life and she is so over it. The simple answer of just acting like an adult and communicating is something that he is just not capable of, and I am through with wishing and hoping about it.My choice is now to have my daughter speak up for herself. My decision is also to continue to parent her through the uncertainties.Yet,sometimes I feel defeated by the experience. I come to terms with where I am. Thank god I can see beyond this moment and to the next. It is hard. Hard to deal with such a waste of time and resources, and for what? This is the way it seems. So I also have to keep my focus on good things. I keep my mind on moving forward and confidently and positively as I can.