Eureka

I just pushed that whole mindset to the side and had a beautiful revelation of myself stepping past the doorway of negativity....everything I have ever held to about unworthiness , disappointment, failure or whatever else I want to call it. It was glorious! So glorious. I actually saw to the other side....instantly I was free. thank you.

A friend of mine called to let me know that she is house sitting for a month. She said that she had really wished that she could get away from all of the drama going on at her own place. So when suddenly she got the call to look after the person's dog, she took it. I like the way that my friend manifests her needs and wants. She is a very focused person. Her work consists of environmental, mystical and emotional content, so this is just an extension of who she is and I dig the optimism.

My other side

Being in this house as I wrote before is like living with a ghost. I have moments when I feel as though I have gone bac in time. It isn't anything specific. It is a hovering sensation. I feel like all I can do is hold still and pretend that it isn't there and it will pass by like a cloud. Then there is also an awareness that my reaction is clearly a remnant of something I thought I had expunged. That is a but annoying. But then, I also see that it factors into a place that I never wanted it to reside in and that is insecurity. I know this because right after I stop playing that song on repeat, the next one is a litany of views that I battle with about myself that come up in rapid fire. Seeing what I am doing, the way that I am behaving, I centre myself and let it pass over me and I replace those feelings with what I am doing now.

On the other side

It has been five days since moving to my ex husband's house to take care of our daughter. It has caused she and I a slew of emotions beginning with being quite thrown by the way he chose to handle the matter. I also have found nostalgia kicking my ass until I was summerily kicked elsewhere this afternoon. He has not written to me to tell me that he has arrived. He is moving true to form. But before he left both he and my daughter got covid. In the last two days she has been complaining about shortness of breath. I have been monitoring her and doing everything that should be done for such a maledy. This afternoon she had a meeting with the Psychologist she has been seeing for a few years and I finally met her. She called my ex husband about my daughter's breathing and he then wrote to our daughter asking how she was. I have been so burned by that man that I am writing in a paranoid way about the entire thing. However, it triggered me because it seemed that he is planning to behave as though our daughter is living on her own, and the Psychologist didn't tell me anything but called him. I spent a few minutes feeling some kinda way about all of this. I really observed myself doing my best not to spiral into a place of serious doubt about simply everything. Was he going to spend the next four months pretending that I do not exist while doing what he wants? I felt trapped, tricked and angry. Then, fortunately I got a grip. Lately I have found a strategy for triggers....I say to myself how far are you wondering from your target? Why am I being distracted? That has helped tremendously and I used it and was so much better after for it.

new path

In a few days I shall be writing from a different house. I have been doing my best to not think about it too much, as it shall be a change that is twelve to thirteen weeks long. However, the same way that I can fill my time with a certain anxiety, I also fill my mind with all of the things that I want to experience with my daughter. For the first time in five years and really...ever....I shall have her on my own for the longest stretch of time. When I had her more, he still managed to take up her weekends. I see us doing a lot of walking and talking. The weather has been very wet, but there is the opportunity to do that nonetheless. We can plan our weekends together. There is the proximity to both the zoo and to the botanical gardens, lots of food places and other types of entertainment. There is the opportunity to teach her how to do all of the things that a young girl soon to be an adult must know to do, and there is a chance to just give her all the hugs and kisses and proper attention that she so deserves way more than she's had. But also, for me, it is an opportunity to go in a brand new direction with my other work and that too is exciting for me.

The Crown

I broke down and decided to look at The Crown. I do not know whether I can stick it out and I am now on the second episode of the new season. One thing is coming home to me very strongly and it comes from a conversation had with a former student today. She was extremely upset about her job and wanted some advice. She's teaching in a religious school as someone in love with a transwoman, so she is feeling the threat to her psyche. I had her know that anywhere she chooses to work she has no guarantee of any change in attitude, so she must nurture herself. She is extremely resourceful and curious, so she must hone her talents when not at work and use them in her classes if applicable. The Crown comes up to me because in the wake of Prince Harry and that book of his called Spare (that I refuse to read or know anything about) it is clear that at every level in society people have problems. We want to believe that 'other' people are doing great and living a life that we want. But what is that? When a Prince Harry or a Lady Diana start picking away at their challenges living in luxury we all turn on the snooze button. How dare you complain? What more could you want? Wealth shouldn't mean loney, hungry or angry. Wealth is not supposed to mean depressed, scared or scarred. But it does and it can. i always think that we all should consider our lives and imagine those who wish they were us. That puts so much into perspective.

In the last few days something interesting has happened to me. I don;t really know how it started, but it may have been a combination of things. Perhaps it was reading about wellbeing, doing a few more exercises, eating a bit better....but suddenly I began appreciating some little things about myself. It sounds absolutely absurd.But it is true. I just began to notice that I didn't have to be uptight about things that I am always being uptight about and have been running like a non stop loop of criticism on low frequency all of the time. The following day that little bit , that sprinkling of something good...good vibe spread like mustard...now today it got bigger.

So damn lucky

The argument yesterday has me confronting the value of 'being GOOD anyway.' His belief is that you cannot be happy 24/7. He is correct. You cannot be up forever. It does not exist. However, you can be mindful for a large amount of time. When the belief slakes, it does so because of habit and comfort. If you really analyse that feeling of down and of comfort within it, I find that you begin as Tolle stated, see that there is space between you and the emotion. You have just enough to breath in a literal space of rest. How does this impact chronic pain or serious illness? I believe that it is most relevant in those constant moments even moreso.

I was looking for this quote the other day....the state of our nervous system is really what creates our perception of the world. I kept this entry open expecting some inspiration and it has now come from the most bizarre situation that I experienced today.I have been cordial with a taxi driver I have taken over the years. He usually talks a lot about a woman he is involved with whom he feels a sort of love/hate relationship with. He's discussed spiritual views, science...he's a pretty interesting guy until today when I got into his are, wished him happy new year and then to what seemed like an innocent comment from me...turned into something atomic. He says to me, you looking like everything good with you. I say yes, thank you,,,and then I make a self effacing comment I tell one or two people...which is....even if I am not good, I am great. From the moment I said that, he was on a rampage of words with me, saying that my comment was jingoistic (he didn't use that word of course) and that I offeneded him by bringing up my Buddhist doctrine. It was an absolutely weird exchange. At one point I suggested that perhaps we shoud stop the conversation and he could let me out. I even apologised for upsetting his sensitivity. In the end I had to get out of the car and walk away from him as quickly as I could as he accused me (rightfuly) of being sarcastic with him when he finally got to my stop. He left me feeling bewildered and stunned. I am certain that something deeper is at play. It is a perfect little cosmic puzzle that I know I shall be flipping over in my thoughts. What was most interesting is the concept of the standoff. WHen two parties are strongly opposed then they have to be mature enough to agree to disagree and to move on. But in that exchange today, I saw someone who was so combative he reminded me of my ex husband a bit, only he was worse if that was possible. I believe that this was because I had to take notice of it all, and I have.

The countdown begins for my sisters ten day visit next week. Two friends are already here. They came two days ago and we have already seen each other twice. This time of year os always frenzied and exciting, and I am now begining to plan how I am going to manouvre it. I think for the first time I am actually listening to that part of myself that says that it wants to be absolutely creative and I am going for it without apology. There are a few things that I have to research and I want to take advantage of the opportunity to do so while they are here. There are some things that I am going to do through the NGO I am associated with. Things through my tumblr and whatever it takes.

some new things

So many things are coming to a head. It is an interesting situation.My ex husband is leaving the country for a few months, he is not taking our daughter and she refuses to go. The new year begins some serious projects that I have not been able to do for some time, and it may be the proverbial new year wave, but I am feeling optimistic about everything, and I am not doing so in a Pollyanna type of way.I am simply thinking in terms of process and planning.

Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful its ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing; hold on through the awful; and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul healing, amazing, ordinary, awful life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful. LR Knost ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... It never changes, the way you feel when the year begins. Fortunately I also feel that way when the year closes as well. There is so much to say and to do. So much hope. Yet amidst that, there are memories that come quickly to make you sad and to make you wish for different outcomes, because there has been so much loss again in 2022 and expectant this year because it is always the case. I have to balance my anxieties with my hopes and sometimes one wins and sometimes the other does and also neither does at all. I choose today to be happy and hopeful and moreso, hope filled.