endlessly possible

Yet another question put to myself. What am I happy about doing/ having/being...from simple things like the fact that the charger is next to the couch and after complaining that I had to sit next to the refrigerator to use the one there, which was very awkward....so I feel so much happier about that. hot coco....something I used to hate and now feel soooo goood to consume. knitted socks...when under the comforter it is the best. cotton sports bras....way better than lacy bras....fresh flowers in a vase....bindge watching great show that you knew nothing about....perfume with rose as the base...languages...listening...talking...water in all its forms...nature....architecture....woodwork...sculpture...art...jewellery....natural gemstones...all types of cuisine...fresh raspberries...blueberries....strawberries...peaches...sushi...ceramics...fabrics...handmade books...journals...massages...travel...

There has been lots and lots of writing about so many plans for so many things. Some started, some incomplete and of course some never realized beyong the page.I am so happy that I have come to embrace the process and to stop wigging out about what cannot be finished. I read somewhere recently that we are not meant to finish everything we want to do, and that was a relief for sure. I cannot begin to write what a pleasure it is to plan and plot and start, stop, start, work, work work and see results and get the results acknowledged and get more things to work on and to feel like your having the most exquisite meal because it fills your soul so very much. Today as I was out and about I dared to consider this being my work from now on...work where my hours that I cling to as creative time is monetarily spoken for...meaning, my time that is my own happens because it is mine to spend without worry about anything at all.Again, I marvel because I am actually within this plan right now.I say more please to shows being asked of me to do....of projects where people say they want it by such and such date and I am just vibing, going from one amazing project to the next and everything that has to be paid for and invested and used to help family and myself are all just falling into place.I say, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh....what a joy to me......what a delight to follow that thought.

Happenstance

I was out the other day a few days before carnival. coming back from dropping my daughter off to school and i was not thinking of anything in particular when I just got a sort of message telling me about confidence. I saw how much it matters. now, one would say simply, of course it matters. We all know this. But the revelation for me is a combination of knowing and acting on what is known. I find that it takes time to get to a place where you know. But sometimes, as I had done many times as a child, I just knew. Not only did I know, I acted on the knowing. What excilleration whenever it befalls me. That day when the word came to me, I had one of many of those moments where I wished that I could just send the thoughts to this diary right away. If I were able to do so, much of the nuance that meant so much would not be lost only to be replaced with this writing. It shall have to do. I also thought that I would also follow other people in my family. Follow their perceived stories based on their past choices. It sounds so clinical...I wondered about where we begin...as my ex-husband and I did. Those early days that if I had been allowed to speak to myself in the guise of someone else to tell me the outcome, would I have changed a thing/ Probably not, as the outcome would not completely bother me if everyone turned out ok in the end. I might have asked whether we would remain friends. I think that it has been the deaths that have devastated. Those have torn me assunder. Those I did not see coming. Yet, I am grateful for the time that was given and used as we used it. So, i was looking at other people's lives and wondering about their trajectory/ Did they think that they got everything wrong/ Did they consider that they made a wrong step or went down the wrong path/ It is highly likely. But, consider all that was also gained by not taking the constantly trodden roads.Consider too the wealth of learning befalling the change in perspective that you would never have saught if you got all that you wanted.

encounter

My ex-husband's plans for everything to go smoothly when he left the country and arranged for my daughter and I to stay at his home....is (as expected) full of holes. Being in his home has taken an adjustment. I have not had to communicate with him much. But yesterday was an exception in terms of back and forth writing.This has brought me here today because I have a predicament. This four month stay would be best handled as many men consider with women...ie: silence. I do not want to communicate with him because he doesn't know how to do it. He now wants to adjust the arrangement, which I knew he would do. In fact, it is all of his usual stupid moves that irk me so, so I have to do something about that. One of the moves is his trying to show me that he is in some kind of control over the situation. That can be simply dealt with as I did recently with the first presentation made by him . I aquiesced. It was nothing to allow. But his need to control me is maddening! I want to scream!!!