Happenstance

I was out the other day a few days before carnival. coming back from dropping my daughter off to school and i was not thinking of anything in particular when I just got a sort of message telling me about confidence. I saw how much it matters. now, one would say simply, of course it matters. We all know this. But the revelation for me is a combination of knowing and acting on what is known. I find that it takes time to get to a place where you know. But sometimes, as I had done many times as a child, I just knew. Not only did I know, I acted on the knowing. What excilleration whenever it befalls me. That day when the word came to me, I had one of many of those moments where I wished that I could just send the thoughts to this diary right away. If I were able to do so, much of the nuance that meant so much would not be lost only to be replaced with this writing. It shall have to do. I also thought that I would also follow other people in my family. Follow their perceived stories based on their past choices. It sounds so clinical...I wondered about where we begin...as my ex-husband and I did. Those early days that if I had been allowed to speak to myself in the guise of someone else to tell me the outcome, would I have changed a thing/ Probably not, as the outcome would not completely bother me if everyone turned out ok in the end. I might have asked whether we would remain friends. I think that it has been the deaths that have devastated. Those have torn me assunder. Those I did not see coming. Yet, I am grateful for the time that was given and used as we used it. So, i was looking at other people's lives and wondering about their trajectory/ Did they think that they got everything wrong/ Did they consider that they made a wrong step or went down the wrong path/ It is highly likely. But, consider all that was also gained by not taking the constantly trodden roads.Consider too the wealth of learning befalling the change in perspective that you would never have saught if you got all that you wanted.