and another thing...

At the very least, life is interesting. I have become uber aware of life happening around me, me happening to life and the vague understanding of the universe's unparalleled complexity amidst it all. This day is happening and it shall pass, and in all of the minutia that one has to do, you know that as long as you are alive you can expect to be doing a number of these things. These things help you confirm to yourself that you have some authority over your world. Little things like making your bed, getting breakfast, combing your hair. It is quite remarkable. Everything, everywhere all at Once the Oscar winning film is something that I must see again for the wonderful vision of the story and cinematography. You can feel that way about the world if you let go of expectations. Its trippy, existential wierdness was for want of a better word...groovy. When everything goes wrong and your back is against the wall,your fragile world is broken apart...IT JUST IS WHAT IT IS. All of those guarantees you give yourself of repetition, or lucky numbers or instinct...then you wind up...HERE. Can you give yourself the gift of knowing that your still a miracle happening/

My now daily walks to and from my daughters school has shifted somewhat because of my broken toe. I still take her, it is just a shorter distance. Within the time I get to walk back, I still muse at all of the things that I may have to do or want to do, and this year, just as had happened in the last two, I have a clear sense of the open path ahead of me. One that I can fill with the things that I love to do and want to do. I hold Instagram and Pinterest as my motivators, as I can see the works of other people and know that my path may not be straight but it is one that I am treading on my own that in the future some people may come along it too.

Something really unusual is going on. I have found that the subtle energies that play in my head are actually not in my head. When I think that I am casually contemplating something, little do I know that my thoughtwaves are actully already on the move establishing links with the thing at hand. Scientists say that the wave particle cannot be observed. When it is studied it does nothing, but once you look away, it acts. I see that behavior in action.So many things, little things have occured where I think about something and then I either get a call, I am offered the thing in the most convenient way or it is discussed etc. All I do now is lightly notice the 'thing' and then expect it to show up. I shall mention this more completely very soon.

broken toe

...and this was how it went...a disappointment a week before, as an invitation to a party was thwarted by a no showing friend. Thus, I decided to make it up to the birthday boy the next week, which was Saturday.My daughter wanted a reasonably lasy morning and we never got going until after lunch. It was during our literally running around to get out of the house at a reasonable time that I thought that I had stubbed my toe on an unusual construction of her bed. Mainly a metal bar that sits midway down the length of the frame. My pinky toe went one way and the rest of my foot went the next. Right away when the pain would not stop, I realised that something was amiss. However I still ventured out on the foot. We went into town and then to the friend, and I realised that I was not feeling any better. By the time we returned home I knew that I had to seek medical help. My daughter and I got the the hospital after five and the system is a three part process. Walk in, sit and wait for someone to ask you what your condition is. You then step over to another cubicle where the person behind it gives you a clip board with a questionaire to fill out if you've never been to the hospital before, or you hand over a form of id to help them type your name, dob and address. They then give you a piece of paper that you hold on to and you sit again waiting for your name to be called and then you are ushered in to the hospital proper. You are asked to be seated again and they take your vitals. You are also given a cup for your urine to be tested. Then you are told to walk down the corridor filled with people on state of the art bed carts and nurses and doctors milling about with anxious relatives and their loved ones with occassional wheelchair patients doing their best to get by. It isn't like a thoroughfare, so it isn't that bad.A nurse attends to you, checking your chart, asking you more questions and administering any drug that will help you. In my instance I needed to have an x-ray done, so off I hobbled off with my dutiful daughter in toe ... pun intended...we then waited again to be called and I was then taken into a room with a metal door making me think of Chernobyl. The technician reminded me of my sisters boyfriend. He had me lie on a wider than two suntan beds in a room filled with red light and the sound of the machine as it took my foot reading sounded like an iron lung. It took only seconds and then I was told it would take an hour for the results. Everything had gone relatively smoothly and I was optimistically expecting us to leave by 8;30 and not the 12;30 that did actually happen, meaning that we decided to walk home. In my condition it felt both near and damnably far. My daughter had waxed romantic that one of the things she has wanted to do is to walk late at noght with her friends in some part of the city. Now she was definately getting her wish right on schedule but with me. When we finally reached our apartment complex she suggested that we sit on the recently discovered metal garden chairs at the front of the compund that is nestled on top of furry festuka grass. grass o so familiar to our house that my dad cultivated lovingly. W e looked up at the stars and considered our vry eventful time before finally getting to the house.

afraid to be happy

Can it be imagined that one can be terrified to be happy/ It makes no sense because the alternative of being terrified when things go wrong is such a horrible experience...and within it, you are trying to keep afloat and find some sort of light somewhere to bring you some relief1 So why is it that feeling happy makes you worry/ Why is it that you are waiting around for the proverbial shoe to drop/ In my walk yesterday, a thought came to me about happiness being a choice. It really, really is a CHOICE. It is funny to write it, but it is true. By choosing happiness, you are really acting rebelliously. You are choosing YOURSELF. You are believeing in those moments in life that we all have that we gloss over and ignore. For example, my friends who are here from America, are together and although they bicker at each other, I see their relationship as beautiful. My friend who has decided to stick out these extremely difficult times in their marriage is in her mode to survuve what they are going through together. I totally get that she cannot see such monets as beautiful right now. She has to get past the hurt, resentment, hard work, betrayal, shame...you name what she has put on herself and him based on everything over the last eight years. Yet, as a friend, I told her that she may not want to hear it or acknowledge it, but they are sweet together. To see them laugh at the same things and finish each others sentances is charming. My heart warms to see that. Life is going to scare you, make you cry and want to die. It takes loves of your life away from you. It upends plans. It prooves you wrong all the time. You have not a shred of a guarantee about life other than the fact that it will change and that your life shall end one day. Should you fear being happy/ HELL NO.

It is so funny. To me, I see that everyone I know and myself are always wishing for more time. Being in this new environment, I have the opportunity to reorder everything that I do. I have found that the new surroundings have pried me from some old ways of thinking just by re-ordering the way I have had to do things. I have some opportunities here that I would not have under any other circumstances and I acknowledge that and must be grateful. The month has now begun and I really want to start getting my professional act together. It has been the only thing...and to me, the most serious thing...that I have not had a hold on yet, and that must change this month. Being closer to all of the major activities of the city is a huge boon. I love being able to get things done quickly and inexpensively. I have not given myself any thought on moving on from teaching. But it is always in my mind. I am here for four months, so who is to know that the end of the year shall be more of the same/ I don't know how I would handle teaching and having to be in this area in the future/ Some serious compromises would have to take place and I cannot say what they are just yet. I find it interesting to be at this sort of crossroads. Ultimately the only thing keeping such a decision is a financial one. I have the time to consider what I want to do next and that is always exciting and where I should put my focus.

now

So a month has passed and a few days. My world completely turned around because of the impulsivity of my ex-husband. What has that meant for me/ It has slowed down my day and my thinking. I am no longer focusing only on myself, my mother and aunt and then my daughter, as she was with him.No. I can now put her first for real for this period of time. She and I have always been able to talk to each other. We confided that the whole situation is weird that first week. We blundered through the poor arrangements he made.My first full day was one where I met her teachers and friends. I have seen my child grow from being tentative and practically withdrawn, to being literally rescued. She hugs,she thanks, she dances, she laughs so hard that she doubles over with it. My darling girl. My ex-husband does not mean to be so deficient. He just does not know how to be that nurturer she desperately needs. He really believes that buying things and having things in their house is all that he needs to do. I have helped her with assignments and taking her up on her exams, and made her learning less tressful. Our routines that I have no trouble doing, like ironing her clothes, holding her bag for school as we walk to it and making up her bed to give her a little extra time to exhale are things that I do to take the load, literally off of her back.She was practically doing all of those things and he was spending very little time with her pre-trip abroad for four months.He buys things, yes. But, as stated, I see the things he doesn't know he needs for her too. I actually empathise, as he never seeks out support from anyone as far as I gather. His mother before she passed away would have guided him somewhat.My daughter can finally bring her friends over to visit, and they have been here twice. I got his house cleaned by my mother's House Keeper. We have done a lot.