What I need is time...

Time to process some information that I heard today from an old flame. He made some amazing decisions that should have been the kind of decisions made by my ex-husband and I. I dislike comparing these two people, and I am embarrassed to do so, but it is in my thoughts, nagging at me because of how things turned out. I just marvel at these two men, they are from completely different backgrounds. Yet the story that should be told of both has turned out the opposite. But when I peel back the layers, this isn't actually about my ex at all, or the old flame, this is about how I feel about myself.
When I see where this person is in his life, even though we are meeting again for reasons I am not always comfortable about and am struggling with, he and I have been placed together again for definite growth on my part.
Today we had a great time, just talking and driving around looking at houses and discussing architectural taste and styles. This is something I have always liked to do, but never really got anyone to do with me. He kept saying that he wished that he had had his camera with him, a number of things we both observed deserved to be captured.
The comparison also comes up first because my mother made a comment tonight about my ex that just continues to perpetuate what always kept things difficult (it seemed) to me. I tried to diffuse her, but only managed to add gasoline when I thought it was water. She may never be in any other mental space where my ex is concerned, and I just have to accept that.
What has surprised me is myself. The old flame is looking at the house, at me, at everything around and about me, with eyes that have advanced twenty something odd years since we were an item. I wonder about those eyes, do they judge fairly? Or no, I should say, how do those eyes make me feel about myself? Because really, I cannot assume to get into his thoughts, and can only reflect my own onto him.
I wish that I had the resources to do the things in my parents home that need to be done. I wish that I had my own wealth that seemed the easy and effortless type, where I take it completely for granted that everything I have is just a reflection of my taste and style.
For a moment, that sat heavily with me.
I am devoid of much physical trappings, and only feel its stinging necessity when I think of the needs of my daughter.
Yet, of course, I too want the expected things of life. I sit between two worlds, the going forward in any direction with those intentions in mind and the awareness of the steps to take.
It is actually in some ways an exhilarating thing, as I can say, the old flame must see something that I may not see, or fail to acknowledge as truly valuable.
The good thing is that I am not standing still, and I am not putting my emotional self into a tailspin wondering about what others think.
As a learning device, I see the chance for bringing forth in myself a way of seeing what I do and where I go next, and I thank those coming forward to prepare me for my journey. I own it and the point is to feel self satisfaction within whatever it is and will be.

The concept of money

I am not the only person in the world focused on money and concerned about it. But today, when yet again I was faced with a purchasing decision, I realised that I should look at my issue differently. Instead of going into a tailspin and complaining in my mind for the thousandth time about my salary and other past decisions, I looked at the matter in the present and the future. In the present by saying, what has been my situation? That question brought up what I am facing squarely,instead of what I have been facing in the near distant past, and then I knew that it shall not always be so.
Then I looked at the idea of life as an adventure, and I actually let the perceived problem go. It may not change the outcome for tomorrow, but what it did do was get me out of the place that I usually venture, which is worry, doubt and blame, and they do not help me one bit.
This way of thinking also did something else that was unexpected, and that was, confronting anxiety head on, knowing that this is not the way that it shall always be, and focusing instead on better.

On another note

Although things are better with my ex-husband,I find sometimes that I feel the obvious distance between us that divorce has caused. I know that I am made aware of it. It is something that I must simply work through.
We went out with our little one this afternoon, and I felt the old family closeness though, and it made me think again of the proposition that he has put to me.
You never know what life will throw at you, what you do know is that the tables can literally turn at the most unexpected moment sometimes, and a belief system can be tested and proven obsolete.
Amidst all of the challenging feelings that are coming up for me, I have concluded that feeling good about my decisions is what I need to do.
It is odd how much I focus on what the other person wants and believes, and if they tell a good story, a logical story, I am inclined to say that they deserve a listening. Yet, I too have a story, and this year, when things have wrung false, or I have felt awkward about circumstances, I have stood my ground. I am not easily swayed as I may sometimes think.
When I post again, I shall do so to discuss my plans, centring around my desires and needs.

What is love?

Is it loneliness? Is it the desire for something new? I am not sure, but what I do know is that I must stop playing with this any further. Having this man back in my life feels wonderful, but it simply isn't appropriate.
We are so familiar with each other. The conversation moves so nicely, the memories, the jokes, the questions and answers about our present and future, all make this even worse.
I do not even think that this is a moral issue, but a practical one. Women go through this sort of thing all the time, your told his sob story and before you know it, you are the 'other woman.' How did it happen? You didn't see it coming quite so fast did you?God, to be a cliche! Ugh!
I don't want that role. I love this person, and I told him that I care about him enough to want to make sure that we'll be better off if we just remain friendly.
But I didn't do that, did I? I took it, and he took it to another place. Sure it wasn't very far, but it was far enough, because I found it all confusing. On the one hand, my desire to keep it neutral and then my curiosity to see what would happen next? This contradictory nature cannot survive in one place, or one person. Why am I doing this?
The old memories of us were so close to the surface, and his feelings were like old times. But we are older and everything is different now. What am I doing? I obviously cannot let this go on, and I know I have to just cut it off completely. We'll just have to live on memories until things change (if they ever change) for him.

Flomoxed and flabbergasted make good bedfellows

I have found that I take some time to come to some decisions in my life, and this actually concerns me. I am not spontaneous with some things that have mattered to me, like should I marry this person, should I have a child, should I invest this money?
Now, that may seem quite reasonable. Those are big questions. But tonight these past decisions have come to the forefront because yet again, I am observing myself taking my time to think out one or two issues that are making me analyse the pros and cons of my situation.
In some ways, the answer is already formed when you take a long time to decide on a matter. In a way, you are just hoping for different evidence to change your thinking.
For me, I want to be balance. But really, what is that?I claim that I want to be fair minded, but what I may really want is to feel that I have taken the moral high road, or that my ego has been nourished. I know that I am being a bit hard on myself by saying that. But I really want to investigate my way of seeing things.
I am at a point in my life where some of my experiences are repeating themselves and beginning to seem a bit bizarre even to me. The same people factoring, similar issues coming up. I thought that I had dealt with this years ago and moved on? So why is this particular thing back again? What is to be learnt this time? Or am I just over thinking?
I conclude that my feelings are feelers to tell me what and where I need to go. I take time because I feel things, and being settled with my decision matters to me. The things I mentioned have been big, and so,I may be older, but my experiences are not necessarily that of a veteran at emotional life. There are things I wonder about and just do not feel knowledgeable about, but in a way too, that is dis-ingenuous, because no one knows, we all are just faking it. So, I'll venture and say, hey, I am growing stronger, taking up positions that make me feel that I am moving in uncharted territory and this may not mean winning, but it does mean living, and you know what, it's my life.

new directions

As I read over my post, I realised that I did not write about the latest circumstances with my ex-husband. We went to court and we mutually decided to end the matter.
This is a big step. We are communicating better, and I feel that with continued work, we can form a much better relationship for our child's sake and for our own.

Getting out of the zone

Last night an old friend and I went to visit some friends of his, and I was immediately struck by the vast difference in life of some people,in regard to my little world. Because I am starting over, I am particularly observant right now of what different people in other walks of life are about.
I saw it instantly in my travelling, but now I am seeing it at home.
I felt a bit out of my element when I met a couple who have been all over the world. They have no children, and they have a large art collection. Listening to them talk about the work and the places they have gone to, I couldn't help wonder about my own life. I love seeing new places, and I have not done this enough.
But the bigger picture has to do with the old friend. When we left and went to see the next person, he was anxious to show us his family and pictures from a recently attended wedding where he was best man. Again, I walked into a home that was carefully decorated, showing the personality of the family. As i have always said, people want the same comforts that they see everywhere else, the flat screen television, the computer, the DVD collection, to have an entertainment area in their homes. My friend and I kept looking at each other and smiling, because he knew that for both homes, I was looking at the shifts of perspective and the things that both sets of people felt important to them.
This is an interesting time for me, because this old friend coming back into my life now, it feels like I am just picking up where we left off. it is so easy, so comfortable, and I am not certain why this is the case at this time. I have said that I want a lasting love in my life, I have no idea whether this may be it? What I do know however is that there is a certain sense of the delicious, the explicit in even thinking about him in this way. He comes with his own complications, and I am fully aware of them. We are no longer teenagers, and I cannot play with him as I did then. This time around I feel much the way he says he feels, so playing does not come into the matter now. It would be wonderful....but the timing...the timing is maddening...I have to say no, but I don't want to.