What I need is time...

Time to process some information that I heard today from an old flame. He made some amazing decisions that should have been the kind of decisions made by my ex-husband and I. I dislike comparing these two people, and I am embarrassed to do so, but it is in my thoughts, nagging at me because of how things turned out. I just marvel at these two men, they are from completely different backgrounds. Yet the story that should be told of both has turned out the opposite. But when I peel back the layers, this isn't actually about my ex at all, or the old flame, this is about how I feel about myself.
When I see where this person is in his life, even though we are meeting again for reasons I am not always comfortable about and am struggling with, he and I have been placed together again for definite growth on my part.
Today we had a great time, just talking and driving around looking at houses and discussing architectural taste and styles. This is something I have always liked to do, but never really got anyone to do with me. He kept saying that he wished that he had had his camera with him, a number of things we both observed deserved to be captured.
The comparison also comes up first because my mother made a comment tonight about my ex that just continues to perpetuate what always kept things difficult (it seemed) to me. I tried to diffuse her, but only managed to add gasoline when I thought it was water. She may never be in any other mental space where my ex is concerned, and I just have to accept that.
What has surprised me is myself. The old flame is looking at the house, at me, at everything around and about me, with eyes that have advanced twenty something odd years since we were an item. I wonder about those eyes, do they judge fairly? Or no, I should say, how do those eyes make me feel about myself? Because really, I cannot assume to get into his thoughts, and can only reflect my own onto him.
I wish that I had the resources to do the things in my parents home that need to be done. I wish that I had my own wealth that seemed the easy and effortless type, where I take it completely for granted that everything I have is just a reflection of my taste and style.
For a moment, that sat heavily with me.
I am devoid of much physical trappings, and only feel its stinging necessity when I think of the needs of my daughter.
Yet, of course, I too want the expected things of life. I sit between two worlds, the going forward in any direction with those intentions in mind and the awareness of the steps to take.
It is actually in some ways an exhilarating thing, as I can say, the old flame must see something that I may not see, or fail to acknowledge as truly valuable.
The good thing is that I am not standing still, and I am not putting my emotional self into a tailspin wondering about what others think.
As a learning device, I see the chance for bringing forth in myself a way of seeing what I do and where I go next, and I thank those coming forward to prepare me for my journey. I own it and the point is to feel self satisfaction within whatever it is and will be.