how honest is honest?

This I must ask myself because I want to write much more, but I don't even dare to do so here, and the question really is why? My feelings are growing for someone from my past. I like the way that I feel, but the timing is all wrong. All wrong. There is an obstacle, and he is approaching me now because his obstacle is no longer in his way.
I know that I cannot continue with what has begun to happen between us. I know it, but it is hard to tear myself away. I cannot believe that I am so weak? I used to pride myself on being quite the opposite. Not even necessarily strong, but just able to say no, able to withstand certain advances.
But he is coming at me in the right way, massaging my defences, challenging my boundaries, slipping in through our friendship and old love and worming around my resolve.
I can't bare it when he looks directly at me, and he does this a great deal, and smiles as though he and I hold some secret, which in a way, we do.
I didn't realise that so much had lain dormant? I took it for granted. To me, I lay that baggage down a long time ago and moved on. But now, I see that it was strong, it was beautiful and it was resilient.

Sometimes it must be asked what do you really want and more so, what do you believe is best for you? I have had the time to ask myself this about my emotional life in particular, thinking that writing, stating and feeling what I want was very straightforward.But now, I find myself in two minds, evenly divided down the middle. I must sort it out as soon as possible because I am not following my own thoughts on the matter.
What surprises me about myself at the moment is that I am thinking very emotionally, thinking very selfishly on the one hand and then very pragmatically and reasonably on the other.
How can I be happy, when it can only be fleeting? Obviously wanting much more is inevitable. Logic requires prudence. I know what I must do, but I want to enjoy what I can while I can, and this is driving me around the bend.
The good thing about this is that I can discuss it honestly. Yet,that is the problem too, because it is so obvious that so much is shared and appreciated, and those things make decision making harder.
I just want my cake and to eat it too.
I thought that I could handle everything, but I must now be realistic. I just have to be steely and end this lovely experience.

Found on the blog alchemy,legend,myth

i beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't serach for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

I chose to be born to very dynamic parents.In every way they represent everything that we strive for on this planet, and they succeeded. However, I also was born to two bullies. It is difficult to confront that I chose that dynamic on which to walk the earth,and I may have escaped into the hands of one instead of duel bullies, but now that I have been living with my parents again, there are days, as this one is, where the truth is such a slap in the face that it must be said aloud.
I must find solutions to my present status. I must. The things that occur to me seem to be getting more and more intense, and I have wondered, what next? My very presence seems to rankle, even though so much is asked of me that I do indeed do for the household and beyond.
My self esteem has been knocked about in this gilded cage called home. I have looked at this often. What do I do? What should my next step be?
Tonight I feel closer to the strength of standing up for myself in the way where I can say, I just need to make a move, it does not have to be a brilliant place, it does have to be good enough and safe enough for my little one. But recently, I began to say to myself, I motivate so many people, I have seen my energy take root in them and watched them blossom. It is now time for me to see that I too am a butterfly whose wings are made of the strongest stuff.

"You gotta be who you are, no matter how dangerous it is" -- Lawrence Weiner

now that I know...

Now that I know that it is all about me, this look at my old flame and wondering about my own choices, I now ask myself, so, now that you know that the dissatisfaction is within, what am I going to do about it?
Change things.
I have to go back to Canada in the next few weeks, or at least before August. I am thinking about the things that I would like to accomplish this time around.
I would like to see parts of the country that I have only read about, and I also plan on doing a bit of online research to know what to expect and to make further plans. I look upon the whole Canada thing as an adventure, and I am very open about it. I don't know what the possibilities can be. But I am very optimistic about it.
Getting work and having money and savings shall go a long way to making me feel better about my life and myself. Not having money, having to rely on the chosen moments of kndness of my family has grown quite stale.
I am divorced now, and I have had the year of wondering what to do next and the looking in on myself and looking at where I need to be and to go. So now it is time to act, whether I have things in place or not.

some more thoughts...

It is not enough for me tonight to write about the people in my life and even about what I am discovering about myself. I also wanted to look at making decisions about things without always wanting the perfect circumstances or the most logical ones to come to the fore. I was reading over some of my posts here, and whenever I re-read what I have written here, I listen for my tone.
In this instance, I was alerted to my comments that my ex and I are getting along better.This is good, and what must happen now is that I keep going along the path of what I want to see accomplished.
There are those in my family with heir views about him, about me, about the whole scenario. But that is their opinion.
I am tired of giving over my thoughts to the worst case possibility and then some. There now comes a time when even if the worst does happen, you should be able to know with certainty that you will survive and even thrive, no matter what.