What a lovely date. It is simply so empowering. My day went well, and I am in very good spirits. I planned on writing something quite different, but on reflection, I had to conclude that there is much more to write in a positive way than there is to worry about. one of my former students has gotten into retailing art supplies, so I've asked her to check on the Fellissimo pencils for me. Five hundred color pencils, hand crafted...completely Artgasmic!
Faber Castel also has some new promotion, but their pencils come to a much higher price...yet, can one ever have too many colored pencils?
I just hand painted a chiffon dress for my mother, so I am on a painting and color binge, and I am not stopping there. I have so much to do artistically, and I love it.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
a realisation
The other night I was musing on the amount of growth I know I still need. This came about when I thought back to a few things that I have experienced lately, the loss of my closest friend. Working on big projects without him, feeling so sad some days that I wondered about whether I can actually do my work constructively? Then there is the ex-husband and all that I have been doing to develop a better relationship with him, and other emotional issues.
Today though, I was part of a symposium and I felt that it had gone very well. My ex has done tones of them, and he had given me some constructive criticism on it, being my first. I was feeling quite good about our communications on the subject, and even found growth in my approach with him.
Then tonight, after feeling positive about the way things went, I tempted fate and asked him what his friend who was there thought of the whole thing? This person is like himself, very self satisfied and sees only his approach as relevant.Needless to say, he was quite forthcoming with some harsh criticism.
I am writing about it because although I made my own snide retort, I noticed something about myself tonight with this exchange.
I was disappointed. Not upset.
I know the dynamic between he and his friend, and I even compared it to what he probably felt for years when he believed that I was influenced or taken over by my parents.
I know...I take a long time to learn things sometime. But this was interesting.
after we spoke and I asked myself what it was that I was really feeling? I concluded that sometimes you are just so different, and just cannot bond in a neutral place. I cannot be what I am not, and neither can he. Whatever he thinks is his right, and I feel good about what I did and that's my right.
Today though, I was part of a symposium and I felt that it had gone very well. My ex has done tones of them, and he had given me some constructive criticism on it, being my first. I was feeling quite good about our communications on the subject, and even found growth in my approach with him.
Then tonight, after feeling positive about the way things went, I tempted fate and asked him what his friend who was there thought of the whole thing? This person is like himself, very self satisfied and sees only his approach as relevant.Needless to say, he was quite forthcoming with some harsh criticism.
I am writing about it because although I made my own snide retort, I noticed something about myself tonight with this exchange.
I was disappointed. Not upset.
I know the dynamic between he and his friend, and I even compared it to what he probably felt for years when he believed that I was influenced or taken over by my parents.
I know...I take a long time to learn things sometime. But this was interesting.
after we spoke and I asked myself what it was that I was really feeling? I concluded that sometimes you are just so different, and just cannot bond in a neutral place. I cannot be what I am not, and neither can he. Whatever he thinks is his right, and I feel good about what I did and that's my right.
Monday, October 4, 2010
only sometimes...
Today, an exchange between my parents and myself led me to see how much living with a domineering person and then in this instance, multiplied by two, can be so exhausting. I used to think that I could manage this and it not affect me too much. But sometimes it gets to be too much.
The attitude is to talk at you and to hammer home their opinion and completely ignore, downplay or insult your point of view.
This behavior always gets me to a place where I ask again, what the hell am I doing here? Why am I still here?
I am still with them because of the decision that I have made towards years end.
Although I can say already that it is a closely cut decision that may not go as I expect.
What is this decision? I have an obligation abroad and I have to be in the country by a certain time.
The challenge of being away then is twofold, first of all having to leave my little one behind is not something that I want to consider and the other part has to do with hitting the ground running.
Yet,I also feel that doing something different is important for me now, because the present circumstances are such that they have now painted me into a corner where not moving is not an option.
The attitude is to talk at you and to hammer home their opinion and completely ignore, downplay or insult your point of view.
This behavior always gets me to a place where I ask again, what the hell am I doing here? Why am I still here?
I am still with them because of the decision that I have made towards years end.
Although I can say already that it is a closely cut decision that may not go as I expect.
What is this decision? I have an obligation abroad and I have to be in the country by a certain time.
The challenge of being away then is twofold, first of all having to leave my little one behind is not something that I want to consider and the other part has to do with hitting the ground running.
Yet,I also feel that doing something different is important for me now, because the present circumstances are such that they have now painted me into a corner where not moving is not an option.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
webadvice
Don’t limit yourself. Decide what you want to do, write out a solid plan, seek advice from those who have done it and “just do it.” No one can give you permission to be great. You are the only one with that power.
Any belief worth having must survive doubt. – author unknown. I share this to let you know, you will doubt yourself, others will doubt you but you must know Your Dream is Worth Your Effort!
Be open to learn lessons from everyone. And your first lesson is – the world revolves around knowledge; who has it, who wants it and where it can be found – and in business how much it will cost you.
Find a mentor, a sponsor and a circle of like-minded individuals. Your mentor will provide guidance, your sponsor will endorse you (speak up for you), and your circle will support you and act as a sounding board and resource for everyday matters.
Lastly, there is almost always an inexpensive or free resource! Reach out to people and ask questions!
Any belief worth having must survive doubt. – author unknown. I share this to let you know, you will doubt yourself, others will doubt you but you must know Your Dream is Worth Your Effort!
Be open to learn lessons from everyone. And your first lesson is – the world revolves around knowledge; who has it, who wants it and where it can be found – and in business how much it will cost you.
Find a mentor, a sponsor and a circle of like-minded individuals. Your mentor will provide guidance, your sponsor will endorse you (speak up for you), and your circle will support you and act as a sounding board and resource for everyday matters.
Lastly, there is almost always an inexpensive or free resource! Reach out to people and ask questions!
Friday, July 23, 2010
revelation time
In the last few days I have been doing quite a bit, and I am very happy about the outcome. After my ex-husband had that blow out argument with me in his car, I took a good long look at the situation, and I took hold of myself. One of the first things that I did was look at the whole 'poor me' issue, that I have discussed here before. But I went further, I also decided to be frank with myself about what my fears and concerns are. Taking a look at them, looking at them, and seeing where they were basic concerns that are normal, and that I can find a place of support even within places of doubt, was very helpful.
I have felt that the last three years have not gone as I had hoped. But I accept that I did not actually say things to myself,for example-: After a year I expect that I should be at 'x'. I did not actually think of myself from that place. I kept thinking that I had to look at what was happening "to" me. I thus placed myself outside the decision. Things were happening to me. I did not feel that I had choices and options, even when I made them.
So, what's so different now? It may seem really basic and it may be wondered how come I did not get this all this time? But the fact is that I get this now. My point is to really look at goals and to have a plan of action and a career path.
I have gone from one thing to another, and I have felt that things should go a certain way. I am over all of that now.
In a year from now, I am working at a job I love, my daughter and my ex-husband are in a good place both literally, emotionally and in every way. i feel better about my life, my Art career is back on track and I feel very good about the ability to make decisions that make me happy.
I will get there by putting one foot in front of the other, observe what is possible, whereever I am, and look for opportunities. I shall work on my attitude and expectations, and I shall succeed because it is all about the mind.
In the last few days I have been doing quite a bit, and I am very happy about the outcome. After my ex-husband had that blow out argument with me in his car, I took a good long look at the situation, and I took hold of myself. One of the first things that I did was look at the whole 'poor me' issue, that I have discussed here before. But I went further, I also decided to be frank with myself about what my fears and concerns are. Taking a look at them, looking at them, and seeing where they were basic concerns that are normal, and that I can find a place of support even within places of doubt, was very helpful.
I have felt that the last three years have not gone as I had hoped. But I accept that I did not actually say things to myself,for example-: After a year I expect that I should be at 'x'. I did not actually think of myself from that place. I kept thinking that I had to look at what was happening "to" me. I thus placed myself outside the decision. Things were happening to me. I did not feel that I had choices and options, even when I made them.
So, what's so different now? It may seem really basic and it may be wondered how come I did not get this all this time? But the fact is that I get this now. My point is to really look at goals and to have a plan of action and a career path.
I have gone from one thing to another, and I have felt that things should go a certain way. I am over all of that now.
In a year from now, I am working at a job I love, my daughter and my ex-husband are in a good place both literally, emotionally and in every way. i feel better about my life, my Art career is back on track and I feel very good about the ability to make decisions that make me happy.
I will get there by putting one foot in front of the other, observe what is possible, whereever I am, and look for opportunities. I shall work on my attitude and expectations, and I shall succeed because it is all about the mind.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
today went rather badly
Well, actually, it started out reasonably well. But then my little one decided to take a keyboard from the library belonging to my father and snip the cord with her toy scissors.As I write this, it sounds funny and charming. But it was not funny at the time.
This one incident made me feel so trapped in my circumstances.It made me feel hopeless in my hopes. Why? The repercussions of the event. The instant arguing over the matter by the people I live with who are my parents. Certainly they have all right to complain when their grandchild does something naughty. But in this instance, rightly or wrongly, their daughter gets criticized as though she too is the same age as her child.
But of course this 'bad' day is bigger than this moment. I hated having to call my ex-husband up and complain about what happened. I would have called Richard up, and we would have talked about it, and I would have felt better or at least had someone I love, and know, loves me so unconditionally, just be there.
Now I don't have that anymore.
Perhaps this is why I felt so deeply pained by this today.The loss keeps coming back in unexpected crevices of my life!
I want to move forward, and yet every move I make feels heavy with regret and hurt.
I was so emotional today that I said that the decision to curl up in a ball and die is one that I cannot afford to make. I felt so very low. I felt as though absolutely nothing I have worked for has worked out for me. I felt unloved, unliked, uncared for. I felt as though everything I am has been stripped away from me, and every move forward is sceptically plotted to be on shaky ground.
It got so bad that I had to sit in my stillness and will myself better.
I said to my ex, imagine that you caused me to be in this house, experiencing things I do not choose and all I can do at this time is to speak to you, the perpetrator, how pathetic is that!
At least he allowed me my bile. He allowed me to cry out and weep in my words, and I am grateful.
I step forward, and out of myself tonight, out of this tissue of pain, aware that it is but a layer.
I admit the lack of beauty of it all, and I make no guarantees to myself, but to say, I am surviving.
Well, actually, it started out reasonably well. But then my little one decided to take a keyboard from the library belonging to my father and snip the cord with her toy scissors.As I write this, it sounds funny and charming. But it was not funny at the time.
This one incident made me feel so trapped in my circumstances.It made me feel hopeless in my hopes. Why? The repercussions of the event. The instant arguing over the matter by the people I live with who are my parents. Certainly they have all right to complain when their grandchild does something naughty. But in this instance, rightly or wrongly, their daughter gets criticized as though she too is the same age as her child.
But of course this 'bad' day is bigger than this moment. I hated having to call my ex-husband up and complain about what happened. I would have called Richard up, and we would have talked about it, and I would have felt better or at least had someone I love, and know, loves me so unconditionally, just be there.
Now I don't have that anymore.
Perhaps this is why I felt so deeply pained by this today.The loss keeps coming back in unexpected crevices of my life!
I want to move forward, and yet every move I make feels heavy with regret and hurt.
I was so emotional today that I said that the decision to curl up in a ball and die is one that I cannot afford to make. I felt so very low. I felt as though absolutely nothing I have worked for has worked out for me. I felt unloved, unliked, uncared for. I felt as though everything I am has been stripped away from me, and every move forward is sceptically plotted to be on shaky ground.
It got so bad that I had to sit in my stillness and will myself better.
I said to my ex, imagine that you caused me to be in this house, experiencing things I do not choose and all I can do at this time is to speak to you, the perpetrator, how pathetic is that!
At least he allowed me my bile. He allowed me to cry out and weep in my words, and I am grateful.
I step forward, and out of myself tonight, out of this tissue of pain, aware that it is but a layer.
I admit the lack of beauty of it all, and I make no guarantees to myself, but to say, I am surviving.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Time
My birthday was yesterday,and I thought about Richard all day. My grief is now about his last few days and last few hours,how did he spend it? Did he have any inkling that he was dying? I know that I shall have many moments of this sort of hurt and sadness that just cannot be shaken just like that.
It has come and broadsided me. I sometimes feel as though my balance is off,and things that I felt comfortable with are not as sure to me now.
However, on another note, my relationship with my ex-husband is improving,and I feel much better about that. I also got a really special letter from an old friend a few hours ago, telling me not to stop working, so that was very supportive, and deeply appreciated. I feel so up and down and I know that I just have to go through it.
My birthday was yesterday,and I thought about Richard all day. My grief is now about his last few days and last few hours,how did he spend it? Did he have any inkling that he was dying? I know that I shall have many moments of this sort of hurt and sadness that just cannot be shaken just like that.
It has come and broadsided me. I sometimes feel as though my balance is off,and things that I felt comfortable with are not as sure to me now.
However, on another note, my relationship with my ex-husband is improving,and I feel much better about that. I also got a really special letter from an old friend a few hours ago, telling me not to stop working, so that was very supportive, and deeply appreciated. I feel so up and down and I know that I just have to go through it.
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