contemplation

This evening leaves me contemplating some aspects of my life that I am trying to make sense of. I find that I think on my past relationship and wonder about why it is that I vascilate about how I feel about it? Perhaps it is normal, but I do wonder on the one hand, if things were different, and I do miss one or two things. Then I quickly get drawn back to reality by all that happened to me.
I do not want that back, but I would so like to find closure by being able to be friends, but this does not seem possible.
I feel this way because to me, the whole thing seems so messy, and I want to order it. I think that that speaks volumes about me. I know I should just leave this alone. It is the only thing to do really.
It is just difficult to live with a 'what if' and to regret. There is an obvious sadness. I suppose that I just needed to say this tonight. By just writing it, I have cleared out my thoughts a bit.
Then there is the back and forth about other experiences.On the one hand, liking what may happen or can happen, but what about what I want in the long run? Or should I just be happy with the present?
The answer may simply be to strike out for something new. That may be all that I really need to do.

when you don't know what to do...get in character

Of all of the fan fiction that I have been reading, I have re-read two stories. My interest has been of the Harry Potter series for some reason. I tried The Talented Mr.Ripley, Gone with the Wind and even Wuthering Hights, but the Severus Snape/Hermione coupling provides the right amoubt of literary jumk food that I need at this time.
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Thus, it is with that in mind that I am going to try to equate my present esperiences from the heart of the character of Hermione. I am trying this for the first time because I am curious and I think that the fantasy may release and even unleash something....who knows, and here goes.
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 Hermione looked at herself in the mirror. She had come from another stolen weekend with her old flame. This time the evening was one where although they fell into the usual pattern of kisses and touches, touches that included his hands on her face, so gentle that she felt it as a sensual moment....yet, this time, there was something she could not put her finger on.
He had declared his deep love and devotion the last time. He had gone extremely far, telling her that his body belonged to her to use as she saw fit. That had un-nerved her somewhat. It felt too serious and yes, wreckless, and she brushed it off as the hightened moment.
Then she was surprised herself, days later when she missed him with a bit of an ache. It seemed that her resolve was weakening. After all, why play with him when she had already drawn her line in the sand regarding what could and could not happen?
Why was she doing these things?
Was she so into control and dominance where he was concerned that she got off on power? She asked herself all of these things, not fully satisfied with the silence that met her eyes.
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that's an interesting start.

nearing

Last night in the midst of hanging out with two of my oldest friends, one being my former sweetheart, I felt a sudden deep pang for my marriage. This alarmed me for a moment, and then I stood still in the thought and realised that what I was possibly missing was the intimacy of a partner.

This was a good move on my part, to still myself and find what it was. It could have been very easy to assume that I was being sentimental. I admit that I have been over the years, but what keeps me focused is that I do not miss his attitude and some of his personal habits at all. (LoL)

My nieces are here from New York and the younger one has some emotional issues that the house seems loathe to handle. I just watched people fall apart and just throw up their hands at this.
I have been wondering why I am still living there? I have been so focused on getting out, and yet, nothing seems to have worked to get me, I have felt. Now, I must be careful, am I holding on using an excuse to linger? I don't think so, because I have a financial plan, and I am working towards real goals, so I would not lay such criticism at my feet.

As a spiritual thing, I can see much learning here (not trying to sound like Yoda!) But, after my last time with these children, when my sister was here, I saw today with my niece what was happening.
I shall continue to write here about my progress in all things that I do.

head spinning

So much is going on. I mean to write, but I am so swamped with working, and I am not complaining. But I am conscious of a need to have a moment.

A week ago my ex-husband had me again questioning my attempts to make our relationship better. He was in flying form, and I was so fed-up with everything. But then, I was able to pull back and observe. I am so grateful for the opportunity to listen, learn and to think on a level that I have made it my life's goal. When I was eighteen I stopped going to church regularly, and began to read about spirituality instead. Today, I see all the time, this choice, living through me. There is nothing wrong with going to mas from time to time, but for me, it was important to put myself through something different to be able to return to where I need to be.

Yet, last week, I was overwhelmed with what seemed like too many energy stealers doing whatever they could to attack me. Or so it felt.

In those moments it can really feel as though what is happening outside of oneself is stronger than what is inside. But it takes just a shift in perspective to restore yourself.

In the island as well, so much madness is going on with the government that to record it here would take days of entires. It is very easy to feel taken over by that too.

To top it all off, my two nieces shall be here for three months and they arrive in a few days. The last time they were here, they were extremely disruptive. I am keeping an optimistic opinion on that one, as there is little that can be done about it at the moment.

On another note though, last week also saw me seeing an old flame whom I had not laid eyes on in five years.

When we met, I was truely moved by how much we mean to the other. It was interesting. The feelings have mellowed and grown, I would say, like a fine wine.

We talked, laughed and enjoyed each others company on a very even level. There was no need to push or force anything at all. When there was silence in our conversation, it felt natural.

It was very, very nice to see him.

Then, another blast from the past had his own emotional connection to me, and that leaves me very curious. But I shall leave those thoughts for another day.

so much, so much

I read such a lovely quote the other day about reading and the love of books. The writer said that whenever they do not know how to handle something, the ask themselves what would a favorite character do?
I found that quite interesting. My neighbours daughter has introduced me to fan fiction. I had always known about it vaguely, but I never bothered to actually see what fans actually write. I remember seeing a documentary on Star Trek fans, and I think this was the first time that I actually saw images that fans take to a whole other level. As in, actually drawing their favorite characters in particular settings.
Then when my little one started watching Coraline, I saw on U -Tube that fans of that character had done many drawings of the two main characters in situations that they wanted to see.
So, when my neighbours daughter suggested that I read a story about Snape and Hermione from the extremely popular and successful Harry Potter, I said alright, but did not have much expectations.
Now I have read about twelve stories in a three week period.

The fantasy world has been a sort of lathe to what is happening in and around my life. It sort of encourages the awareness of everything being an illusion, so why not explore any and all possibilities. For me, that is liberating. For someone so afraid of making mistakes, that is a huge revelation.

I have recently been feeling very good about some issues that are coming up in my work and more so, my creative life. I just got the funding for a residency! That is very exciting.
I have not been on one since the birth of my daughter. It is in Italy for two weeks. I also got something else for the end of the year in Italy as well.
Then I have some projects that I have either created myself and/or supported. I am very pleased with the directions that much of these things are taking. I feel very optimistic and happy about the way that I know I can manoeuvre. I am making the first big steps to where I want to go, and my mindset is so healthy right now, that even if they do not manage to be financially rewarding, they are about reward in many ways. At the very least, the creation of things that I can then use elsewhere and add to where I want to go. So I am feeling really happy.
I have been doing my spiritual works and the experiences gained from my perspective is also making me feel so very nourished.
My ex-husband is playing games, and I even have the compassion to empathise and arm myself as well.
Attitude is indeed everything.

The Royal Wedding Day

My dear friend and I had a really good, long talk about my ex-husband. Most recently he has returned to a pattern of behavior that concerns me enough to have to take some steps myself.
I have learned a great deal over the last few years...as one should. For example, I have actually forgotten how long I have been divorced, can you believe it? So the mercy of time is such a salve.
Yet, with all that I am doing, I sometimes feel as though I am taking too long. One may ask, too long for what?
The divorce has made me (as would be expected) look inside and ask myself, what are MY needs? What are the things that would truly make me feel that my life is as I want it to be?
It is much more than a question. It is an attitude, and a certain knowing. I have written the lists in my life, it isn't by half about that. It is a much deeper thing. It is a satisfaction within the self, whatever position you are in at the time. It is knowing that whatever the case, you shall be fine, that whatever is bothering or hurting shall not consume you, it shall pass.
I have felt so down and out so many times. I have felt that to move on may be the most difficult, and unlikely thing to happen, because nothing looked like it was happening.
I had felt that my faith was nowhere and no one could or would help me.
I felt so very sorry for myself.

But after one time, there is another.
You cannot be down forever or up forever. And more important, neither are ultimate positions. Neither define what you can do.

Today I stand in the knowledge that I am a work in progress and I expect setbacks. But here and now, I feel and know that life is beautiful. life is a gift.
I can look within from whence cometh my help indeed.

doing so much

I now have three Tumblrs, all very interesting to me. One on Art, one for my personal work and another for Graphic Design. I also plan one based on style in the Caribbean. I enjoy doing them. I do not spend so much time on them that they are overwhelming. I am doing them for the usual reasons as well....to have an archive and to eventually have a body of work that could become a book.
So much has been going on that I have not come to this site in awhile. But I think about it from time to time.
I miss it, because as I write now, I realise that I have to get back in the groove to write here.
Some exciting things have been happening...I am feeling much better than I have in the last three years. I am looking forward to things that I am planning.
My ex has been trying to derail me of late, so I know for sure that I am definitely going in the direction that is best for me.
On another front, there is a development that I just finally quashed. It was difficult because I enjoyed it, but it just does not make sense to pursue it. It was odd too, because he made some elaborate plans with me in mind, and I just did not do it. I did not follow through. So, why am I feeling good about it?
Although part of me would have liked to say to hell with how it may look or be, I just could not bring myself to a place where I could act cavalierly about it, I could not help but think down the road.
Now this does not mean that he shall give up that easily. He has not been giving up for years. I actually admire his tenacity, not in regard to me, but as a business person. There is something that can be learnt from him.
I also have some new project concepts that I feel very happy about. I really should get back into the groove of writing here...I shall again, soon.