Nearly

The big presentation that I had been working on happened last evening. Now that that is over, I just realized a big lesson learned from the whole experience. I had a moment during the last eighteen months where coming down to the end, I was very, very frustrated by how I felt two of my lecturers treated my project. I felt like they didn't care one bit about it. I was actually shocked that I felt as apathetic as that, and knew that I had to pull back and take stock of my reaction. What I discovered was a need for attention. A need to be heard and validated. I was not expecting that I would need anyone to do so. My project has never needed anyone's stamp. What was going on? A friend set me so straight, telling me to get over the pity party and prevail, and that did it. Thank you F.E. Then suddenly these same lecturers started noticing and talking up my projec leading me to wonder whether they were having me on,their enthusiasm suddenly seemed too dramatic. That was helpful too, because amidst all of that,one lecturer said something that stuck, and stuck well. At the end of the day, own your project be passionate about it. That is all. Sell the he'll out of what you believe in. Now that it is over, I have to complete my thesis, and I now hove the time to really make it a beauty. I shall rest tonight and start to handle it properly from tomorrow. Writing a bit here and there, getting the theory parts together, as the deadline looms very near as well. But now I feel a relief from what I am doing. Thank goodness.

2013

Next year will be the time for me to jettison some baggage from my life. In every way, a spring cleaning and assessing new projects. My old way of doing and of thinking ain't cutting it. I am not seeing results that garner confidence. For years I have been on the cusp. With this degree, I asked myself, how had I been thinking before? I have definitely removed and seen some blocks to my progress, and some of them are downright unfortunate. For example, just not getting certain supports, not knowing that one small step to the right or left could have made all the difference. Another Masters degree may be in the works for me as well. I may consider learning something in the technology field to supplement what I have learned now. There is much to do. I see myself anew, and a new year is wonderful in the sense that it encourages such feelings naturally. As I write, I see the entrepreneur in me, gosh, I had left her behind twenty odd years ago. But it is clearly never too late. Thank goodness for that.

What do you expect?

Life is nothing if not interesting. Last year at this time, I was determined to do all that I could to have a more reasonably paced year. I did not actually succeed, but I am here, aware of what I set out to do and I have come quite a way in the process. I bought an item for myself this year, the item that I am writing in now, that I have been very satisfied with. It has become a very large part of my personal happiness because I can read my new (bad habit) fan fiction at any time that I want to do so, and I do this every day. In buying it and in the final payment made on the pencils that I wanted to get, I can say that if I had not done these things, I would have considerably more money in the bank. This brings me much confidence, because it tells me that I can save even when I think that I may not be able to. I learned this year that there is only so much that I can do, and that I am grateful that I am able to do them. I have worked on being less judgmental about life, removing certain expectations about things. I have been watchful over my ego, willing to look at other points of view and making sure not to take myself or life so seriously that it affects the way I feel and see. I found two great meditation sites this year, and I look at them every few days, and they sustain me considerably. This year I came to greater realization of what I want for myself, what I can and cannot do, and whether certain things are worth doing. My romantic life, though very spotty to non-existent, was faced with some interesting moments that brought me to a greater sense of my needs. I did quite alright this year and next year, god willing, I have much to do, including a show of my own. I am optimistic and grateful, and amidst all of this, pleased that I feel so confident about where I am setting my sites.

Recently

Of late, every time I have written here, my posts are not being saved and posted.it-has happened twice. I am trying again tonight. I wanted to write about the wisdom of my little one. Every night is special for me because we spend very precious time together. We lie down and I sometimes play her something on my I-pad, or we talk. Or I read a story. That time is truly dear to me, and many times I hear some sage things from her. Tonight it was not something she said, but something she did. She took my comforter and put it over me when I said that I was tired and she then chose one of her stuffed toys and offered it to me, saying that she thought that I would appreciate the company. I then told her that I was sure that she too would appreciate some company, and gave her a hug. Needless to say, we both snuggled under the covers for warmth and she promptly fell asleep. As her breathing proved to me that she was indeed down for the count, I basked in the beauty of the moment and it dawned on me. I am so damn wealthy, so blessed, so loved. The point is to work from that point of departure outward, so that everything else in my life is seen and experienced from such a place.

This past week, a thought jumped into my head.I know people who are having lives that seem really nice. I know that a good life is possible? What is this"good" life? A life where your child feels safe and protected, wealthy and healthy. You can plan to do things without second guessing every penny you have. You have friends who get you and support you, and you create wonderful experiences together. When you are by yourself you feel contented in the knowledge that you have built a life on your own terms and you look around and feel satisfaction about it all. You can go on vacation at least once or twice a year, and you feel energized and sated by the experiences of new things and friendships. .......... Come on now, that should not feel like some sort of impossible thing to create!

Little surprises

My month has been filled with a prodigious amount of work. I have been going and going.only stopping to rest when my body gives out, and I am far from finished. I still have quite a great deal to do before the month ends. Amidst all of that, frequent flyer has been keeping me company, along with my dear friend who was here last month. He's good at late nights because he operates on little sleep as it is. So imagine my surprise when FF writes me this morning to say that he shall be passing through for a few hours. Now, yes, I have heard this many, many times before and the last two times that he was here, I blew him off. So what makes this time different? I think that I have been worn down...although I do not want it to come across that way. I am not giving in. I really do want to see him. I always have. The wearing down has to do with my own feelings finally exerting itself. Although, I think that that interview that I looked at today of Oprah talking to Rihanna, something clicked for me. When I meet FF, I am curious to see whether he can instill in me a certain desire? I seem to be resistant. I only take things so far after all of this time, and more and more I am aware that I am doing this. I need to look at my relationship with my own father and my ex husband of late the latter runs across my mind and I recall many fond times. So, I think that a little observation of these thoughts and feelings is in order. More later. ............... Later FF did indeed meet with me, and everything that should be there is still there. However the time was so short that all we managed to do was to go for coffee and quiche at anew bistro. It was lovely to see him, and I made a definitive decision. I have concluded that I shall no longer place ANY labels onto our friendship. It does not matter what he says to me. I now have no expectations other than what we represent to each other in the moment. He has said certain things to me in the past, and I have felt very complemented. But just as I felt in his hotel room, when I went up at his invitation to check out the gorgeous view and the lovely space, I do not feel inclined to break what we already have. Not because I am particularly moral about it. Although that does matter to me, but because it is just not the time. We may always be in that space of "not quite right ."

I am just on to update what is happening in my life. The court matter resumed on Halloween and like some big joke, lasted only five minutes and then got postponed to January. I was so furious with my lawyer that I saw him do everything in his power to try to keep me from going "postal" on him. I wrote him a very stern letter about my money and time being wasted and made it quite clear what I want yet again, out of this whole matter. Later in the week, I then speak to a mutual friend of my ex-husband, and she leads me to believe that he has been telling she and her husband about us getting along better. When I tell her about court, she is so shocked, she really thought things were improving.Why is he misleading them? I have no idea? However, other things are going on, and yet again, I am ending the year feeling at odds with my best intentions when the year began. I thought that I would have closed off some projects from last year by now? I thought that I could say that I had saved a chunk of money by now and could finally see to some pressing things that I want done as well as still see my way clear to say that I have solid savings. Yet again, another year of working all the time, no vacation. In fact, I have not taken a vacation in six years! So why am I not financially stronger? Something has got to give. Also I cannot afford to think negatively about what I want to accomplish now. The year did not go as I had hoped, but give up, I just can't. I have to believe that something better is on the horizon for my little one and I.