And so it goes...my very eventful week led to much introspection. I have been taking some things, like The Towers, too seriously. I do not have to do anything that makes me uncomfortable. I am familiar with dealing with things a particular way, and because this is different, I want to move at my pace. So that is what I am going to do. Baroness Margaret Thatcher has died, and there is much news, as would be expected on all of the stations about the life she led as prime minister of Great Britain. She is a reminder that tough decisions will not engender you to all people. You have to make strong decisions because they must be made. This was what I was confronted with last week. I cannot think too far ahead, when things might get quieter or seem to be back to a routine. This was someone who factored in my life for so very long. There was always a period of separation and then one of return, but now, as they could not adjust in so many ways and became addicted and careless, and I must say that there was some indulgence on mg part, one has to just suck it up, put on the big girl panties and focus exclusively on what does work. I will state here though that I feel sad about the whole thing, because it did not have to be this way, but as I have accused myself in the past of taking too long to make a shift in perspective, this is what happened here. If only the changes could have stuck. But there was something unusual about the last face to face meeting, it seemed that deep down something about what was to come was known. In many ways, this really needed to happen. It reminds me of my own ling term relationship. Things are not working, and no amount of counseling will work when two people have altered their expectations and could easily be alone quite happily without the other person. But this is not my call. It is what can be seen at this present time. Despite my decision, I will always care about what happened and what it all means to me. But I have to also put it behind me.

Most recently an old friendship ended for me. In many ways it was sort of inevitable. He was painting himself into an untenable situation for some time. It stings to have to be part of the drama, but it is necessary, because there was no place to go. So how do I feel about nearly being a home wrecker? Naturally I have been made to feel that his behavior was because I led him astray and he was pushed and forced into resuming friendship. I have learned much from this experience, I saw a glimpse of the person who seemed so much more mature and level headed on one hand, but then was also weak and spineless on another. I do not state that lightly, because I can understand why the posture, and that is why I wrote, painted into a corner. There is little else to say.

Perhaps, too much time... Swirling around in my head of late, is the action of "the Towers" that I spoke about yesterday. I know that my concerns can be dealt with with a conversation, and we both deserve to have it as soon as possible. Yet, I am still stubbornly clinging to wanting to be right. Hmmmm, that is saying alot here. So as usual I want to look at something that gets me deeply embarrassed. One reason he challenges my expectations comes from the fact that the typical things that one hears and expects when a man is interested, do not seem to come tripping off of his tongue naturally, if at all. He does not dole out affection....he seems certainly sex focused, but foreplay...seems to be something unusual in his repertoire? Now I do not know enough of him really, but this is how it seems so far to me. should I gettison any chance at something here, just because I have certain expectations? When there is much that I do like about him? My instinct throws a hussy fit instantly and says to me, if you like him so much, then just be friends....you have a headache...lol. .......................................................... Should I let myself off the hook so easily? This is about my expecting a certain kind of attention. I expect to be ...well, courted as it were. Let me see the very best of you. Is this the best of him that I am seeing? Perhaps? But then, he is the first person with whom I have gone out, and I do not think about it again, until we speak. I don't wonder about his day? Or think about what I would like to do with him at some point in the future on another date. There, I wrote it. I also do not really think that he is feeling anything special for me. If he was, wouldn't he be making an effort to somehow want to engage my time? I don't know? It is confusing? He has asked me to meet, and we have met, and he has made overtures to sleep with me, but somehow, it all falls flat. I am probably sounding like some spoiled bitch right now, complaining because someone likes me, and I just want to be a whiner! I really don't. I want to understand what I am feeling? And I want to start on strong footing. Particularly after attracting two married men, to whom I have given much of my time in the past. I do not think that in either case, I have felt as I have because they are otherwise spoken for. In both cases, my history with them began with a deep, strong mutual attraction that has not abated, much to our mutual intrigue. So, no, it is simply my past expectations. There has always usually been a dance of strong mutual emotions that seem to singe the air. My ex-husband being the biggest zinger of all. What feelings! Waw! It was like a drug. Thank goodness that we had our work that took up the other part of our oxygen. Lol. It is nice to know that I remember that fondly. An older friend is trying to tell me that this is a much more mature situation, and that I am dealing with a different sort of relationship, where it is more steady and real. But to me, it seems like he's just set in his ways, expects things his way, a little selfish and never has had to take a look at himself really. So, yes, a convo is in order here, and I shall give the details when it happens.

Confound it!!

So, my week feels like I burnt my candle every which way and though exhausted, I am writing now. I am pleased despite how I feel, to have accomplished so much this week. However a few things are still on the front burner for me. How I shall work them out, shall take a bit of time. Meanwhile...I prefer to focus on my work than the tiny nagging voice that tells me that I am already a bit fed up with....sheesh, what was the nickname that I gave him again? I think it was the towers. He seems to genuinely think that appearing illusive and laid back is going to make me come forward and he cannot be more wrong. I am too busy, too focused and too jaded to consider that remotely appealing. I think that I have given it enough of my time. I don't know what else to say. His behavior just rubs me the wrong way. It just disappoints me. I do not feel the usual things that to me come naturally when a man is interested in me. He did brilliantly when we were in different countries, but now...he leaves much to be desired. I don't feel like he is trying to be more than my friend, although he has gone to the other extreme when he can corner me, he jumps all over me and I have to tell him to stop like if he's a child. This is so maddening. We may just simply not be meant for more than it has been these last two years. So I should just stop wondering about it.

The Pope and February 14th

The Pope's decision to step down has caused shock throughout the world. Today is Carnival Monday and as I got back from Jouvert, I heard the news on the radio and was also quite stunned. However, now that the information is out, we are left with a feeling of what next? What shall the procedure be? The church is one of the oldest continuous institutions and I am certain that this moment shall be handled in typical sage assurance by the powers within the church proper. ............... Meanwhile, I was giving thought to February 14th, and I am thinking that on that day I definitely want to treat myself. Be my Valentine.

My own wisdom

Over the last few months I have been helping two or three friends sort out emotional issues in their lives. A large part of the reason for doing so has been because they have sought me out and I recall in my life when having support was needed. For one friend in particular, I have been repeating for several months that she needs to know that she is not powerless in her situation....that she has her own life to look at, things to do for herself, and must not "give" her control of herself away to the person she is seeing as important. Now, I must use my own advice. Not that anyone is doing anything to me per say, but a silly email from my ex where he eluded to "not" being home when I replied to something he asked me about, sent my mind in a whirl....and the thing is, it is completely irrational. Why does this bother me? I answered that those simple words made me assume that he is having some great time with some woman he adores...meanwhile, I have not had any "I won't be home" messages to leave for him to make him wonder. Not that it is a tit for tat? Or is it? I feel stupid for feeling that, particularly when I had just told myself that whomesoever is meant to be in my life shall be better than anything I could expect...and leave it at that. Then my ego kicks in on auto pilot. It doesn't even try to be slick. I pounce on the meaning within his text and "my" real hopes, dreams and possible future reality is curtailed by old, outmoded thinking processes. I am no better than my friends who seek my council. I too fall into gaps where I waffle about my feelings. So I came here, to return to my own advice. What I set up for myself, the place of strength that I operate from IS ALWys better than any little weak moment of old thinking. What I choose to do is to be aware that the ego has raised it's head, observe it lightly and quickly advance my thinking toward what I do indeed want. Feel the achievement of really being in a loving place, happy with my choices, my work, myself. Feel how freeing that makes me in this actual moment. Then from that perspective, release that outmoded thought process, and actually thank it to, because to go back is to not grow into what I want to become. Why sabotage myself, and sabotage myself based on something that made me very unhappy at that. I wish him well, I care about him always and yes, I still do love him. But the point is, I love myself. I deserve to support my highest good.

There seems to be a fire within me of late. I find from some simple suggestion made in an article online, that I have taken to heart what I read. 1. Drink a glass of water when you wake up. Your body loses water while you sleep, so you’re naturally dehydrated in the morning. A glass of water when you wake helps start your day fresh. When do you drink your first glass of water each day? 2. Define your top 3. Every morning Mike asks himself, “What are the top three most important tasks that I will complete today?” He prioritizes his day accordingly and doesn’t sleep until the Top 3 are complete. What’s your "Top 3" today? 3. The 50/10 Rule. Solo-task and do more faster by working in 50/10 increments. Use a timer to work for 50 minutes on only one important task with 10 minute breaks in between. Mike spends his 10 minutes getting away from his desk, going outside, calling friends, meditating, or grabbing a glass of water. What’s your most important task for the next 50 minutes? These three short paragraphs have made a big impact. In the morning, having a glass of water makes me feel better. I also want to do my best to eat better than I already do. I have a goal in mind regarding my diet, and I am very curious to see how that shall go. I went to a wonderful boutique run by a Muslim lady with my neighbor, and there was a black dress with the tiniest straps on it. I kept looking at it, and eventually I decided to try it on. I have tried on slinky things before, but when I tried this dress on, my breathing accelerated. I have never reacted like that to myself in a dress before. When I showed them both how I looked in the dress, they freaked out as well. But I was not sure that I wanted to buy it. I already have a dress that I had thought at the time was sexy and slinky black, and I have never worn it anywhere, and I had bought it in. My second year of marriage. So although the dress was amazing on me, I felt, where would I wear such a thing. Naturally I was told that I would be a fool not to get it. When I got home, my mother reacted the same way that we all did. The dress is really amazing, and I have decided that for the very least, I need to take a photograph of myself in it. I am writing all of that to say that it is good to do these things, to feel confident about plans and to act from a place of certainty. It is wonderful to see yourself from a place of appreciation and know that you can see change for the better, and you are encouraged to keep moving forward to up the ante to do even more and more.