Netflix did a documentary with Chris Brown. I had no plans to look at it. I am one of those people who remembers only too vividly what happened the night he and Rihanna had a fight that nearly ended her life. However, I have always said that although I am no fan, I admire his talent. He is the only person who can dance in the vein of Michael jackson and not look as though he's copying the man, and that is saying something. Anyway, I was watching his documentary and he got very candid about the whole violent encounter and he said something that stuck with me. He said that he realized that people would view him as a monster, and that that was the furthest thing from his intentions at the time. But in understanding that he was being portrayed that way, even by himself, he decided one day that if people were going to hate him, he wanted them to be mad because he planned to endure. I can respect that. One can learn from the unlikeliest of places. I am glad that I watched the show, I have a better understanding of the man. It still does not sit well with me that they got into an argument that led to such an awful outcome for both of them. But, I would be lying if I wrote that I could not relate to passionate arguments. My ex-husband and I used to have real zingers. We never hit each other, but boy did we shout at the top of our voices and slam doors and phones down. This year, I find that I spent a great deal of time trying to make sense of feelings that left me so exposed. I still feel a sense of it. I have come to respect that I was given them to experience. I have never had quite 'this' way of encountering myself, splintered off like a piece of crystal. I am shining on one side and at certain points, dull the next moment. I have confronted that I 'feel', yet, it has not provided relief, as it has set itself up in observation to be fascinating. i go back and forth. One moment I am absolutely certain about a course of action. The next, I feel one hundred and eighty degrees different. What that tells me is that both are right. If I act, I am creating an action. If I don't act, I am creating an action within my inaction. Sometimes there is no right, there just is a way. I discovered so much. Chris Brown did say all those years ago that he saw his mother go through Domestic Violence and swore that he would prefer to see his father dead than see her hurt again. What he did to Rihanna must truly screw with his mind. I cannot imagine the tumult. It is as though something inside him mocks him for thinking he could be above what he witnessed as a child. In fact, just yesterday, i was giving some thought to the word 'victimhood.' I shall expound on it in a later post. It is actually 1:31am, and if I write that, it shall take some time to do so. I'll just state here that right now I find that the humanity has a lot to answer for where the victim is concerned. When I think about Indigenous Peoples, Slavery, the Holocaust...people go through trauma and are re-victimized. When does it stop? Is that really about survival of the fittest? This entry is becoming something else from where I set out. So I shall end here. But again, I must say that it is clear that we are all given something to work out. We can either use it to fuel ourselves or to be consumed by it.

Thinking too much

and then some...the end of the year is always about reflection. It seems hard to believe that so much time has gone by, and that so much has happened. Overall, I would say that 2017 has been a year of personal contemplation for me. Financially, it was not as bad as last year. I would say that my sea legs did not wobble as badly and I was able to negotiate things from a better position. Next year I expect to do even better. I am however mindful that my parents are getting on in age, and I must prepare for anything happening with them. My child shall be transitioning from primary to high school, and her father does not include me in any aspect of her school life. This means that I have no opportunity to affect that decision. I do however, have the chance to affect her teenage years and her plans for school once she graduates from high school. There are one or two things that I can do to secure that, and I have already begun to work toward that. I started back to do freelance work, and in the new year, I have the opportunity to continue to do such work in a way that will benefit me. I see some opportunities with that on the horizon. I have to just keep going. I have felt so defeated, so often, but I also am very aware of how fortunate I am.

THEN, yuh done know

That is a well known slang in my country. It makes people laugh, and its very apt. Everything is so correct when you slow things down and decide to really take a look at what experience teaches you. I also suppose that the elementary nature of knowing is necessary to get the child mind as it ages, to the place where, like walking, you can eventually do icon your own steam. But first you have to be willing to explode the box. I asked one of my friends recently how is she certain that her gut is always right? I'm not as confident about that as she is, thus the question. But now, I am going to be more mindful of what my gut says to me. Lol.Clearly I use it. But I am just not as conscious, I suppose. I asked because I really wondered about my instincts at one point this year. Had I sprained or blunted mine? When I checked with other things, I am on point, so... I really liked my last entry. It spoke volumes about where I actually want to go. Opening up my horizons, not limiting myself has felt so very good, and continue to feel good. Thank god for small mercies. I got here by tapping into what L O V E brought out of me. SO how can I be mad? I know that it opened up so much that I long to keep...and it is all inside of me and I am constantly glimpsing and being buoyed by it. But somehow it didn't seem that way. I mistook it for being outside of me. I give everything. I make the effort to feel joy, enthusiasm...whatever it takes, because I acknowledge that every day is to be appreciated.

who knew

After what to me was a hurricane of emotions this year, I have had ample time to consider what it all meant to me. I have truly burned mental calories on a variety of views, and this time, I am now at a place where I will say that there is acceptance in the circumstances. I no longer feel a knee jerk reaction to respond. I no longer am trying to be right, or to find a way to manipulate circumstances, even though they have only been hypothetical. This evening, I'm not writing one thing and holding back in my heart that another that I would like to experience can actually happen. I have been able to get past all of this through concerted efforts. I have worked extremely hard to move forward when all that I have wanted to do is to change the outcome. Particularly as I have never had this sort of experience good and bad, before. In choosing what matters most to me...my present and my future...and my knowing, always that what I do not receive is not for me to receive...I have come around. What has helped has actually been remembering Frequent Flyer, of all people! That sobered me up after so many false starts and stops. But, ultimately what I gathered from everything most, is my resolve, and my ego made me laugh today, because it kicked in, and wanted me to explain how could I have had such a tumult of feelings and bam, shut them off so fast, as though I were shutting off a pipe? My answer is pretty simple. I still feel something. I still care. I still would really love a great outcome. However, it is not the be all and end all of everything I stand for or want for myself. I think I learned that with my ex husband and Frequent Flyer. I do dig my heels in when I think that something is for me. I commit. Despite the way I have appeared, I am a very faithful, committed sort of person. I persevere. I don't give up on people I love. But what I learned with this experience is that I don't have to feel that I am falling apart just because things did not go as I hoped. I am grateful for the experience. I would have to say that I met a soulmate. My life changed dramatically. I questioned things that I probably have never given a second thought to. I acknowledged sides of myself that I suppress. I heard myself actually want to want someone because I felt that they were worth fighting for on a romantic level, something that I am still stunned I would contemplate!When I fought with my ex, it was because I knew we were both invested. In this instance, there is no such guarantee, and I have not chosen to act on my impulses to act. But I have thought about it. I really have. The fact that I have has shown me a side to myself that I am still coming to terms with. I see that that vulnerability actually makes clear that I have taken the biggest step of all, and that is that I am ready for a new relationship wth a man for real. It scares the fucking hell out of me! But I am willing to take the steps. I am amused that all of this has happened to me and I know that the catalyst behind it all is none the wiser.None the wiser. I glimpsed myself in a way that I gather now, nothing else could have drawn those things out of me. No way! I had to be off-balanced. I had to risk. I had to change me. My set ways of doing and being to get here, in this way.

There comes a time when you have to close a door. I may not feel ready,but today, when I ran over certain thoughts that still march through my mind, the combination of experiences just called for a decision on my part. Sometimes, when I have decided to end something that has felt so familiar, I know it is for the best. But although it is the right move, it feels sad and upsetting, even when you know it. It isn't any longer about some sort of lightening bolt, reward sort of thing. You make a choice with all of the same feelings before the decision, in place. I have to look ahead. I have to look at my strengths, and they come at unexpected moments, where I hear myself saying things that help me go on. When I have to make what feels like a hard choice, I remind myself that I have faced things and persevered. I know that I have no idea what to expect, but sometimes it matters to just be open. To not have any fear in the unknown. Also, to trust that I can focus on better.

two

I'd like a trust fund. I'd like to work because I choose to and not because I have to. I would like to see all of my projects happen. I'd like to have a team of staff working for and with me. I'd like to have a space that I created from scratch. I'd like to go to countries I have never gone to before. I'd like a lover who suits me perfectly. I'd like the rest of my life to be about joy and beauty and fun, adventures and great memories. I'd like it to start now and to never look back at what hurt so much.

contemplation.

I am finding that I am changing in some little ways that tell me that the time I put in to certain things are indeed worth it. From the way I take a dance class with seasoned people, to how I now handle the moments when I feel sad or upset about things not working out that I really want to turn around for the better. It doesn't mean that my life is suddenly all joy and roses. I still struggle. I still hurt about certain things. I still beat myself up sometimes. But now, when I am in the beginning of such moments, I know that I am in it, and I know that it isn't something that controls me. I have a choice. Sometimes I can decide that I should just allow it, in a sort of observing way. At other times, I can say to myself that this is about to feel a certain way and I am projecting or feeling triggered. I may even indulge the feeling and see where it goes. The point is that in the past I used to brood. I used to sulk. I used to feel really put upon. I didn't know any other way to act. My journey has been a long one to finding a way to be in the world and to be happy to be myself. I don't even know myself fully. I surprise myself by some of my actions, thoughts and judgements sometime. Not everything I think or do, is fully realized. I can be prone to act without much thought.Or deeply analytical for the most trivial of issues. I may be moody to others, when to me, I am just being observant. This year, even my liking my own company and spending so much time alone, I challenged that. I finally admit that the two greatest relationships in my life that have ended,really changed my life - and I am still carrying the hurt and pain of those experiences, along with all of the wonderful memories, and I miss both of these people so very much. Have been wanting to find something like that again, and the void has felt so deep that I thought shrugging it off as not possible was enough. But, the laugh is on me. Sure I analyzed that I saw men as inferior. But these two people, I never saw them in that light. I loved them unconditionally, and I will never get over the importance they played in my life. I am not to "get' over it. I am to continue to know that I feel the way that I feel, and I am doing the best that I can. I have met people since, and I am grateful that I have glimpsed other interesting people who have chosen to share their time with me. I have been jolted by my expectations. I think that I have done my best to have an opened mind, and with it has come a better understanding of what I will and will not accept in someone I desire to spend my life with. I know that casual relationships are not for me. I know that someone who is secure in themselves is really important to me. I know that I would love to do fun, spontaneous things, travel, take long drives and walks, talk for hours, send cheeky text messages, Skype, laugh, eat, drink, dance, sing. Live. I have had the experiences I have had, I believe now, because I have been holding myself in and holding myself back, because in a way, I feel so restricted by my space and place. When I was alone when I was last abroad, I loved the time that I gave myself. But, I admit that I desire to share this with someone I love. I love being alone. But I am for the first time admitting (I think) I feel lonely. I feel lonely in that I miss having someone be just for me. It sounds kinda wierd to write it. I suppose it comes with all of the criticism and stress placed on my from without...from my former husband. From those closest to me who challenge me every day by weighing me down without even realizing it. It comes from my job, that I know I do well...but it doesn't pay me well. I cannot be satisfied by it because it doesn't financially do what it should.Nothing is the same as it was before. Suddenly, I can no longer walk this particular path. I feel out of control to ask for what I want. But I have been pushed so far, that now, I must confront what I want. I am actually afraid to say what I want. I thought that I was saying what I want all the time. But to me, I kept getting pieces of what I want. I make lists. I think about this question all the time. I make decisions like anyone else, constantly. Yet somehow, this year...what I want and what I say and feel I want just seemed slightly out of synch, kind of like the registration on a photograph being off. The picture becomes fuzzy and blurry. I ask myself, where is the path to me? I am always present with myself, but am I always aware of how much I desire? Or hurt? or rail against how things are going? I don't mean throwing tantrums like a child. I am trying to get to the crux of what I find I cannot articulate without pushing and prodding myself. I am determined to find my own answers to me. I can be so appropriate for the world. Dress well, sound polished. Be on point. I know that I hide messy behavior...like getting angry publicly, or not caring about whether I may say something thoughtless. That one, that's a big no,no in this world right now. Lol.This is getting quite long. I shall make this a two part thing.