who knew

After what to me was a hurricane of emotions this year, I have had ample time to consider what it all meant to me. I have truly burned mental calories on a variety of views, and this time, I am now at a place where I will say that there is acceptance in the circumstances. I no longer feel a knee jerk reaction to respond. I no longer am trying to be right, or to find a way to manipulate circumstances, even though they have only been hypothetical. This evening, I'm not writing one thing and holding back in my heart that another that I would like to experience can actually happen. I have been able to get past all of this through concerted efforts. I have worked extremely hard to move forward when all that I have wanted to do is to change the outcome. Particularly as I have never had this sort of experience good and bad, before. In choosing what matters most to me...my present and my future...and my knowing, always that what I do not receive is not for me to receive...I have come around. What has helped has actually been remembering Frequent Flyer, of all people! That sobered me up after so many false starts and stops. But, ultimately what I gathered from everything most, is my resolve, and my ego made me laugh today, because it kicked in, and wanted me to explain how could I have had such a tumult of feelings and bam, shut them off so fast, as though I were shutting off a pipe? My answer is pretty simple. I still feel something. I still care. I still would really love a great outcome. However, it is not the be all and end all of everything I stand for or want for myself. I think I learned that with my ex husband and Frequent Flyer. I do dig my heels in when I think that something is for me. I commit. Despite the way I have appeared, I am a very faithful, committed sort of person. I persevere. I don't give up on people I love. But what I learned with this experience is that I don't have to feel that I am falling apart just because things did not go as I hoped. I am grateful for the experience. I would have to say that I met a soulmate. My life changed dramatically. I questioned things that I probably have never given a second thought to. I acknowledged sides of myself that I suppress. I heard myself actually want to want someone because I felt that they were worth fighting for on a romantic level, something that I am still stunned I would contemplate!When I fought with my ex, it was because I knew we were both invested. In this instance, there is no such guarantee, and I have not chosen to act on my impulses to act. But I have thought about it. I really have. The fact that I have has shown me a side to myself that I am still coming to terms with. I see that that vulnerability actually makes clear that I have taken the biggest step of all, and that is that I am ready for a new relationship wth a man for real. It scares the fucking hell out of me! But I am willing to take the steps. I am amused that all of this has happened to me and I know that the catalyst behind it all is none the wiser.None the wiser. I glimpsed myself in a way that I gather now, nothing else could have drawn those things out of me. No way! I had to be off-balanced. I had to risk. I had to change me. My set ways of doing and being to get here, in this way.