the ironies of life

I have met someone who has been contacting me every day, sometimes two and three times. I appreciate the interest, but I have made it very clear that I am not interested in them romantically. I shall call him the Spartan. I feel odd about the whole thing, but I can tell that this person is in for the long haul. Part of me is a bit angry about it. I want to complain that I don't need someone coming around me trying to be friendly and friends, when I know that they are not going to wear me down for romance. I am not attracted to him, even remotely. I do appreciate his mind, his professional experience at his work and he is a very nice person. No doubt about it. But to me, I cannot fake chemistry. I didn't feel it with The Towers and tried to intellectualize a possible relationship to disasterous effect....But,at the time I did think that he met all of my intellectual ideas of the right person for me. So if the Spartan thinks that he can stick around and I will eventually give in he is going to be damn disappointed. But then I am punched in the gut by the fact that it was the one thing that juliemangoman did not do, and now this person is more than doing it. It is as though you can't find one person to make you happy! It is mind blowing to be faced with so much fragmentation. I feel as though I should not dear wish for anything ever again, if the fates choose to have a good laugh at my expense.Which they seem to be falling over on the floor crying with mirth about my downfalls. You want to meet someone to love for life. Fate decides that that sentence is flawed, so it gives you a rougeish looking drug addict wearing a tee shirt with the word LIFE on it for example. You want to meet the love of your life. He's looking at you with deep intense passion while holding the hand of his pregnant wife. Shit like that! As a child I always imagined that there are superior beings watching us individually and collectively like reality tv. Every being on their planet watches us as a sort of entertainment and betting factor. We really have no ultimate say. But, whether this is true or not, venture one must. I see way too many happy, content couples to believe that it isn't possible to find the person right for you. There is still hope.

I know nothing

The older I get the only guarantee I have is that I know nothing. However, I also have to write tonight that more and more I am getting with the understanding that everything that happens, everything that one can name and point at as a behavior or an issue in your life...when you listen to others with their challenges, I find that everything evens out to just life happening. You could be troubled. You could be content. Who is to say that anything is working? Who is to say that a negative thing isn't for the very best for you? It is all about perspective and the ability to rally in the face of both success and failure. Sure you can beat yourself bloody about what went wrong and how short sighted, misguided you were. That is a natural reaction. It is about what you can manage ultimately in your life. I really believe that you get what you can envision. Also, I think that everything we see in the media and hear from friends and family are only guides. Your life is yours and it is ultimately up to you to make the conclusions for yourself in this life.

green eyes

The most unusual thing is happening. I am expecting a promotion at work, but it requires some patience. While I wait, I have been noticing that my co-workers are sending me some snide remarks doing some fishing about me. The moment things shift in the workplace, everyone closes ranks and literally sees how they can manoeuvre themselves for advantage. Now, before it is even announced, people are trying to kiss my ass and its weird! I feel embarrassed by the obvious pandering and I am doing everything I can to deflect from little things that show that I am one wrung up from them. These are people who yesterday were basically vanilla with me,now pouring chocolate all over me. Lol. What I have to do is to look at what's next on the totem pole because those at the top don't trust each other either and are always snipping about what their colleagues aren't doing. So I shall study the role anyway.At the end of the day it really does not matter who or what the characters are all about...what matters is doing work well and efficiently. That's what counts in the end...and enjoying your job.

ready...set...go

It feels like September already. I am projecting into the future. There is so much to be done. I am determined to accomplish at least one of my projects before years end. I also have to travel. My sister and I have made arrangements for my daughter and I and things are on stream there. Some things are happening, I am pleased to write.It makes me very hopeful, and encourages me to push and to work even harder on the things that I want to take into consideration is the vending that I did quite a lot of research on. I have a strong hunch on that that I should pursue it. The logic to think about my plans every day really works. They do not seem as formidable as they usually do. They now seem not only do-able, but actually vetted. I just want to get on with things.

feeling some kinda way

As our local slang goes. Of course I am feeling some kinda way. But it isn't mind numbingly, heart and soul crushingly bad. Lol. However, it is a hovering sadness. How can I be mad? I state it again. When I saw the images of his little family. How could I even begin to object! They are getting a second chance. I am so happy for them. I was lucky for the time given to me. I experienced something amazing too. His son looked over the moon with joy. The scene looked hard won. I am sad, but guess what, I can't be mad about it. I can't.

that's the way it goes, it goes, it goes...

I was in a rush to get here tonight because of some news I came across that I was not expecting. I found out that juliemangoman has reconciled with the mother of his child. When he and I last spoke he brought up their estrangement and seemed a bit irritated by even discussing her. But now, I see that they are definatly back together. I could be mad about it, but I am not. I have to say that it is a testimony to how we have been with each other. For a moment though, I felt that tug of deja vu. I find this out and he didn't just tell me himself! That's disappointing. So here I am again. Yet, not. Perhaps I was right about the yellow inside too? Lol. I learned a great deal with this person. Learning comes no matter what. All of this by the way sounded way better in my head. I always wondered how in the world we were going to work out? That was my initial thought. Then over time, I had other concerns...mainly the issue with the way we communicated, or didn't as the case may be. I just have to walk away. I am happy for his family. I would not have liked to be an issue anyway, and I have to assume now that at a certain age and stage in ones life, it is inevitable that I will continue to meet men whose lives are not uncomplicated. I can be magnanimous because I think that if I were struggling with my ex and he was in a position where we could be on better terms, I would be torn by the chance. I am not likely to ever be in that situation, so I don't consider it for myself. Nevertheless I relate. I go over how much he impacted me. He did, big time. I have male friends who have told me about great loves of their lives whom they did not end up with. I have even seen it up close by being considered that person. Now, I have to say that juliemangoman may be my kryptonite. I really was into him, and it was so simple, who knew that I had those needs? He was attentive, sensitive, gentle, masculine in a very domineering way that I liked a great deal. We laughed easily and talked easily about many things. He was practical and had street smarts. He didn't crowd me, contacting me all of the time in an overly needy manner. The chemistry between us was bananas!!! I felt that we had some sort of telepathy going on. (ha,ha,ha) The time we had made me actually consider him in ways that I never bother to consider a man around me. I don't go off contemplating the kinds of experiences I want to have, but he made me do that because one of our first long conversations was about traveling somewhere, and we just blurted out that we would go together. I loved his spontineity and his sensual, elegant manner. He said erotic things to me and loved being naughty and nice. What was there not to enjoy there? I appreciate what we had. I really felt that he matched me well, and I was looking forward to more. Alas, it seems not to be. ................ One important take away here is that this experience opened me for real love in my life, and by that I mean the kind that will truly be right for me.I can only say thank you. I am grateful for what I was able to see because I took the time to see.

confidence

My sister left yesterday to go back home. When we set out together to travel, little did I know how fast the time would go, and how much I would miss having her so close to me. I have found and she has found that we are a formidable team together. I marvel at her strength, her beauty and resilience. Talking with her late into the morning about everything and nothing was wonderful. I saw how lucky we are, in the way that we were brought up, and all that we have learned separately. I feel nothing but confidence going forward, and I also know that what challenges may come, we are both on spot to work together.