two points

It was suggested to me that I do a twenty-one day meditation for my ex-husband. I am on day two. So far I must state that I feel better for doing it already. I decided to do it when he sent me one of his provoking letters. It's been a decade, but he will not relent. I now find it less distracting than I used to, but I still react, however small. Eventually I will not react at all. I am nearly there. What was good about this last experience is that after I reacted, I got quite stoic and re-read his diatribe. I saw all of his language from a position of what actually mattered and what could or could not be done. Once I did that. I ignored most of his ranting and focused on the matter he was requesting of me anyway, regarding the only thing that keeps us rooted together. Once that was clear, everything else fell apart. ........ I have also noticed this week that i attract complainers. This is to my horror, because I do believe that you attract 'what you are.' I have been consciously cutting back on grumbling about things, but when I speak to people I know, they recite a litany of woes. I interject with as many positive salvoes that I can and most of the time I am able to talk them off the ledge. That's a good thing, but it has begun to tire me. I understand that if we all listen to media all of the time becoming jaded is inevitable. Yet, I am weaning myself off my diet of negativity...so perhaps that is why it seems writ large to me in others.

the vibes

Sometimes things come out of left field. A dear friend of my mothers' got in touch with me to assist her with a project. It has been an honor to help in any way that I could, because she has always been a dear person to me for most of my life. So you can imagine, I squirmed when she brought up her love life with me. I definately graduated from being a child to adult with that one talk. She usually speaks to me about my own life. She gives me advice from one divorced person to another. But this one was new to me. But as always I learn from any and everything I experience. She shows me something that I don't even think that much about, and that is getting older and having relationships. To think of myself at her age, I usually talk about never really retiring. But I do not consider anything else. But it is time to think about all of the things that I still want to do and to accomplish. Good health is key of course, and also taking care of ones mind...taking time to spend it on making myself happy......................her talking with me like that makes me want to state here some of the things that I want to write about myself. When you meet your husband at nineteen and then spend decades together, divorce sucks. However, I was on my own before I got married and even within marriage, I have not lost myself within it. But now that it is so many years later, I admit that a relationship is something that I do miss. I have also lost my best friend, so there is that too. I am much more solitary not, and I have liked that for so long, but now, I would like to talk on the phone, send texts, plan activities, go on a trip or two...have some fun and serious romance with someone I really feel comfortable, happy and loving with. Waw! I am writing that and not cringing at the admission. I miss having someone to talk to who gets what I am interested in and can discuss their point of view and we are an asset to each other. My heart actually feels warm and filled with emotion as I write that. Just a gentle, loving, sensual, rewarding relationship......hmm.

closer

A few days ago I was thinking about an obscure topic and today on Yahoo, I saw the said information as news. When this sort of thing happens it always makes me stop for a moment and goosebumps to play along my arms. What does it mean? Is it a coincidence? Or is it that I am in synch with the invisible energies around me? I am inclined to assume the latter to be so. What can be done with such a connection? Is it that like the Buddhist Monks, I am to be still and to listen? Perhaps. Also it may be that I am to let go of pre-conceived notions or more accurately control of any situation that I feel I have a handle on...for a moment I must be quiet and observe what else is going on in the world...mainly that of something other than the layer of human attention seeking, hustle and bustle and demands made on self and others. That is but an inevitable layer. There is an undercurrent. Something that may be the collective consciousness. It may be the din of all of our energies constantly coalescing. It may be higher, purer thought because it seems to catch other actions elsewhere in the moment and define or strengthen it....almost as though one were a fortune teller. But its just that it is a fortune teller of trivia. That came to mind, or a person came into your thoughts and they call a moment later. Is it a sort of millisecond time travel? Whatever it is,observing it is always refreshingly tantalizing. I am even beginning to wonder whether it is a subconscious bank of not only energy but language as well...a fount of left over inclinations, ideas, whims. lost plans or forgotten sentences, some left unfinished that now need closure? Languages echo...or ghosts?

acceptance

After ranting about being unfairly treated the other day, I had a good rest and then contemplated on everything again and concluded that I had to accept responsibility for it. Tonight, I want to expand on what I now know. I must state that ever since I can remember my attitude to money was formed by some pivotal issues that happened in childhood. From the Nun who cheated me of my allowance money to yet another one asking me to do a project for the school and not compensating me in any way....some patterns are appearing...I now see it in my high school years of not getting an allowance and having to find ways to get the things that I wanted by constantly manipulating one parent against the other. Then in college where I was very frugal and then the world of work where I began not being paid what I was worth for a few years before finally being compensated as I should have been, only to get divorced and faced with compromising with my present job. It has clearly not gone as it should. Along the way I have had one belief about money and experienced something other than my expectations. Now it has not always been terrible. I have ad some great moments, no doubt about it. But now, I see that I have to take a look at what I was not doing for my best interest. In this case, I happened to have stated that I just wanted to meet my obligations with this project, and it has come to be exactly that. If I could set my mind to such a small goal, imagine what I could do if I set my mind toward better! I have done it many times, and I am very capable. In the past I have let fear, doubt and a host of distractions rob me of my best. I have also seen my strengths whisk me into better places and experiences as well, thank god for that. ...... So no more being lame with my needs. As I said to my partner years ago, what are you saving all of your energy for? BE TRUE TO YOURSELF IN THE MOMENT, ENJOY YOUR LIFE. STOP WAITING FOR WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU NEED TO PROMPT YOU TO WHERE YOU SHOULD BE. That used to drive me crazy with him. I felt that he was holding himself back. ......Now it is my turn to give myself a proper shake-up, and no, I am not writing in two's tonight.

I post in 2's

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variety and the spice of life shtick

Well yesterday I was everything but zen. I was in a rage about a professional I know who hired me for a job and from the start I could see that she was on games. But I didn't want to tar her with a full brush because I have worked with her in the past, she is an older person, and she has always usually been very reasonable and trustworthy in the past. This time around, she withheld information, got me to consider giving her a discount on the premise that...(a) they had no money, no real proper budget. (b) They (she) could only afford to do one of the two things requested. (c) Could I do it for a nominal cost because she had an extremely short deadline. Now as I write this, I know that a bit of tis is my fault. i got completely shistered because I thought she was an honest person, I wanted to do the job and I believed that she was really desperate to get it done and would be on the up and up. Damn! I am pissed because after I agreed to do the literally today for tomorrow work, I then found out indirectly that she palmed off another aspect of the project to someone else...meaning that there was a budget in place after all, and she was just trying to soft soap me. Such a nasty business. I railed at myself for a good hour and then I get my ass up and went for a vigorous walk. In so doing I was able to look at the whole thing anew. I saw something about myself that I have to work on. It was not easy to admit to myself. But I was largely at fault. I chose to be 'helpful.' Although I stood my ground and got the job at a figure I could work with, I did not get the job at the figure it was really worth. I think that this is a wake-up call to me. I used to say that I do not work for less than a certain amount an hour. I must now restructure my prices. I believe that what must justify a job is based on a few factors that I have not taken into account in the past. Rush jobs are NOT less expensive jobs. They MUST be more expensive because of the fact that I pull all nighters. With that job, I worked 24 hours straight. No kidding around, I think I just had a glass of water and a cup of coffee as I raced to complete the task. Also, when I do more than is required, everything must be worked out in a way where it is damn clear that the client can't weasel out of what it costs to put everything together. But most of all, when I make up my new costs, I must also go back to my old practice of half up front, particularly for rush jobs.No exceptions.

How do I reconcile the need to fall to earth? It seems almost too much to be so weightless. The want...wanting to control comes back with a rush...but ha,ha,ha...what I see is the illusion of that too. It is not any more real than anything else. L O V E ............. The Beatles sang it right. ............ All you need is love, love. Love is all you need. ............. Simple. Yet so damn hard to grasp? Why? Because it is not to be grasped. it is to work through you like mist. ............. While I can, I want to sit in this feeling, embody it completely for as long as I can. I see why meditation is key. .............