Facing my face

A few days ago I had to confront a niggling issue that has very slowly been coming to the fore. I have a friend whom I have known for at least eighteen years. He's probably about ten years younger than I am. He has always liked me, and we have had a very solid relationship as relationships go. I don't call him up to chat, but he calls me up, and over the years it has been simple and easy. About a year ago he told me that he was getting divorced. I know his whole history with his wife and was sympathetic and listened to his struggles with being newly single. Now, he has been contacting me more and more and I know that he is positioning himself 'all how' to find a way to get closer to me. This makes me feel weird. I had an encounter with him about ten years ago when he kissed me in a very sneaky way and stunned the shit out of me when he did it. I never made him feel that he had another chance with me again. At the time I felt that he had crossed a line. Now that he is on my horizon again, he leaves me with much to ponder. I have seen how I have gone from someone who had very clear views and even lists about what and who I would like romantically. I would state that post divorce my experiences with men leave much to be desired and I am now wary and tired of even considering getting back into anything, although while I was away, I felt that I might be ready to pursue something new. This has me dismayed. I must certainly come across confused. What do I want? I will never have an idea situation if I am ambivalent. Why do I feel this way? Well for starters, someone recently divorced is wounded. To get involved with someone right out of divorce to me is a bad idea. I have made enough bad choices post divorce. I still have residual feelings for juliemangoman who I shall no longer give the nickname...my husband. Jeez! Irony of ironies as well, this new person has a lot of similar features to him. He's a great guy.But somehow, I cannot get past how fed up I am with meeting men, or knowing men for a long time and deciding to accept their advances only to have it not work out. This last time to me has proven to be the straw. It has been just too much. I really fell for him and I think that I felt hurt the worst because I never saw him coming. I have not gotten over it. Not really. So I don't want to lead anyone on and make this person think something that I am not ready for. I now wonder whether I will ever be ready again? It seems far off in the very, very distant future before I can trust any man's advances of any kind. This is a bit sad because as I stated before, there was a moment this year when I thought that it may be so nice to meet someone and have a real relationship. One where we speak all the time, send texts, pplan dates, get to know each other, enjoy the others company...make plans around each other...the last time I did that seems like the last century! I am putting this all here because I do want to have companionship and not one that is had with a pet or just a friend. i do miss what a romantic relationship is all about. In fact, despite all of the things that I write, I feel extremely embarrassed to admit that I need anyone. I can't explain it properly, but somewhere, somehow, I don't like admitting that I would like to be in love again. Thus said, it shows just how damaged I still am over all of the relationships I have been in. I guess I should state thank god that they have not been many. I need to write because I want to figure out where I am and whether I really can take such a step in the future where I don't feel as I do now. So I would say that despite myself, I hold out a little hope, and that's not a bad thing.

creating my story

Being away as I have has swept the cobwebs out of my mind. I would even say that I needed a moment for the racing, happy thoughts that filtered through. What I love is going from wondering how to do something to seeing not only how possible it is, but how much it IS happening in real ways elsewhere. I wondered for a few moments whether I would have been so open if I were actually living in Canada as it had been planned ten years ago? I never gave it another thought until that moment. I have no answer. I would like to say that I would have hoped that I would have been making more work and happy Some of the things I have been able to accomplish here, I am grateful for retaining my focus on what I have wanted to do. What matters to me now is the road that I am on now. I am on another crossroads, career choice and country choice again.This time on my terms, and I shall be revisiting the title that I have given for this entry.

travel for the soul

I have been away for a few weeks from my home country. It is good to get away. The distance helps me see more clearly. Yet, this time, I have had a chance to listen and observe others having their own challenges. There is one root situation in all of the variations I have listened to, and that is the person against the actual issue at hand. It seems that most of us hold to our position of whatever narrative we tell ourselves about a particular thing. In so doing, the thing grows with us, and as things grow, we lose sight of the individual parts and everything gels together. So what ends up happening is that even if you could be objective, you are not likely to be completely so, as, as things pile up because you are observing and feeling the thing as negative and an obstacle....more of the same continues to happen. As an outsider, it is easy to see what is going on, and it is easy to think that it can be so easily fixed by changing perspective. However, the person within the experience is blinded to the outside. They are seeing the thing up close. Another observation is that the person may say that they want things to change. But they seem to be stating this while standing in quicksand. They may want help, but they somehow do not know that they have the tools to get out of the sinking sensation. Again and again I heard completely intelligent, rational people make excuses about why they remain stuck even though they completely abhore their circumstances. Looking from the outside my heart aches for the position I see them placed in. If only they could separate themselves from the thing that hurts them and literally float above it. If only they could see the illusion for what it is.

Why do I usually end up writing when I am longing to sleep? My eyes are closing, and yet I must make three entries because I have wanted to come to this space for hours and days now. Not to write anything in particular. Just to meet an old friend. ........

I was looking at the Netflix show Billions. I like it a great deal, and the term, arousal template came up with one of the characters whose lifestyle follows the BdSm path. It got me to considering the language. I see a template as a fixed thing and arousal as a fleeting thing. It tickled me because it sent my mind to the last experience I have had where I was completely thrown off guard by my own feelings. Thus stated, my template was the timbre of a voice. The intensity of a stare, the smell of the chosen fragrance, the confidence of his stance, the stillness of his countenance. The quiet of his smile. The beauty of his person. The subtle give and take between us. The timing, the anticipation of the next move, the not sure, timidity met with determination. The hope , the easiness. The halting struggle within and the reward of more.

two points

It was suggested to me that I do a twenty-one day meditation for my ex-husband. I am on day two. So far I must state that I feel better for doing it already. I decided to do it when he sent me one of his provoking letters. It's been a decade, but he will not relent. I now find it less distracting than I used to, but I still react, however small. Eventually I will not react at all. I am nearly there. What was good about this last experience is that after I reacted, I got quite stoic and re-read his diatribe. I saw all of his language from a position of what actually mattered and what could or could not be done. Once I did that. I ignored most of his ranting and focused on the matter he was requesting of me anyway, regarding the only thing that keeps us rooted together. Once that was clear, everything else fell apart. ........ I have also noticed this week that i attract complainers. This is to my horror, because I do believe that you attract 'what you are.' I have been consciously cutting back on grumbling about things, but when I speak to people I know, they recite a litany of woes. I interject with as many positive salvoes that I can and most of the time I am able to talk them off the ledge. That's a good thing, but it has begun to tire me. I understand that if we all listen to media all of the time becoming jaded is inevitable. Yet, I am weaning myself off my diet of negativity...so perhaps that is why it seems writ large to me in others.

the vibes

Sometimes things come out of left field. A dear friend of my mothers' got in touch with me to assist her with a project. It has been an honor to help in any way that I could, because she has always been a dear person to me for most of my life. So you can imagine, I squirmed when she brought up her love life with me. I definately graduated from being a child to adult with that one talk. She usually speaks to me about my own life. She gives me advice from one divorced person to another. But this one was new to me. But as always I learn from any and everything I experience. She shows me something that I don't even think that much about, and that is getting older and having relationships. To think of myself at her age, I usually talk about never really retiring. But I do not consider anything else. But it is time to think about all of the things that I still want to do and to accomplish. Good health is key of course, and also taking care of ones mind...taking time to spend it on making myself happy......................her talking with me like that makes me want to state here some of the things that I want to write about myself. When you meet your husband at nineteen and then spend decades together, divorce sucks. However, I was on my own before I got married and even within marriage, I have not lost myself within it. But now that it is so many years later, I admit that a relationship is something that I do miss. I have also lost my best friend, so there is that too. I am much more solitary not, and I have liked that for so long, but now, I would like to talk on the phone, send texts, plan activities, go on a trip or two...have some fun and serious romance with someone I really feel comfortable, happy and loving with. Waw! I am writing that and not cringing at the admission. I miss having someone to talk to who gets what I am interested in and can discuss their point of view and we are an asset to each other. My heart actually feels warm and filled with emotion as I write that. Just a gentle, loving, sensual, rewarding relationship......hmm.