what you resist persists

How many times have I read that whatever you want in life you must embody it first?A ton of times!Now that I take my emotional and energy temperature all the time, my eyes are opening wider and wider. I see when I experience conflict in others, the importance of letting them speak, so I can see where they are coming from and what they are saying and not saying. I now am able to onserve without feeling that I need to fix their problem. I also know now how to not absorb their anxiety. What has been interesting too is observing where I connect or attract a particular energy. My mother and I had a funny incident that proves this. She bought a large container of milk with a screw cap and I kept it to put n the kitchen cupboard. usually I know that she doesn't keep them because we do try to keep plastics, but we just can't keep everything for re-use. So she saw it and told me that she was throwing it away. I took it up and stashed it in the laundry room next to the iron. Hours later, she's back from the super food market and has two large containers of the same milk. They are joined together by a hard plastic ring like the kind you see for six pack beer. She is able to push one open, but the other one gives her trouble and the black clasp to open the milk breaks off and is nowhere to be found. What does she need? She needs the cover of the milk container I felt somehow compelled to keep...but she has thrown it away in the trash. We had a good little chat about intention, hunches and blind faith. That made us feel a sense of spiritual support from that experience. I have had this also happen with other little things, like taking too many paper towels in the morning and then realising that I need it for something completely unrelated, or someone needed one. Those little moments of kismet are beautiful to behold. Everything feels like it has lined up and that your intelligence is way greater than you actually give yourself credit for. If only you would tune everything out all of the time and focus squarely on the natural rhythm of the world!Perhaps I have to confront what I receive, more. I have so many moments where I could have acted, but chose to decline. I know that I am improving. Once upon a time I would have pycho-analyzed everything I just wrote. On yet another note, I had a situation happen yesterday where I met an old colleague. I had not seen him in a few years. I had gone to the pharmacy with my aunt. I saw him first and approached to wish him all the best for the new year. He was so rude and obnoxious, thinking he was being complementary and ...I suppose clever. It was horrendous. I told him point blank that he was being mean, but he just kept up his onslaught until I finally made an escape. I have to note that I had a similar odd energy from a guy I paid to drop me to and from on or before New Years Eve. It is as though the person doesn't like me. They don't wish me well, but they are attracted to me. I am thinking that after all of tis time there is something in that sense of rejection. Attracting rejection...I used to be loathe to be in a situation where someone showed that they didn't like me. I can recall one or two experiences where I was bullied, and the person, a bigger girl terrified me in primary school. But with that guy at the pharmacy, I heard everything he said and I had the best reaction I could not have imagined in the moment....I said to myself, I don't care what he thinks or says. This certainly isn't about me at all. I stepped back from all the trash he was spilling. Earlier that day, I was not feeling one hundred percent about myself. I was doing the negative self talk, but by the time we were on our journey my mood lightened. Clearly, that person picked up on it and matched his with mine. I believe that that is why so many of us believe in bad luck, karma or black magic. The body reacts long before the mind processes the pros and cons of a situation. What I really love about the way that I think now is that I know that I do not have to believe everything I conger up. I don't have to believe everything that I think. I don't have to imagine that someone is talking about me negatively...it doesn't matter if they are, that is their right and none of my business. Even if I am the worst person someone can encounter, as long as I am minding my own truth, my own concerns and not pushing my emotions on others...that's what matters. I have never understood why anyone feels that they have to have other people to be able to be at their best. However, as much as I enjoy my time, I do miss my best friend...gone a decade now! How absurd is that! Ten years in a few months... I do miss my ex- husband as well sometimes. I have decided to confront all of the things I cringe about and find my way to the other side. if I don't do that, I will just be making a bigger deal and building a threat to myself that I will then have to deal with. Right now, my desire is to focus on my very,very best.

seeing double

I had my first day back doing my exercising and was graced with a fantastic sight of a full rainbow and three-quarters of a second one above the first to nearly equal chromatic splendor. It felt as though I was walking inside a film set. It was perfection! The year has begun with a sleepy, quietness that cannot last, but is deeply appreciated.

A new decade approaches. To look at my life in terms of ten is something I have never considered doing. However, if I give myself a moment, then it feels like a progression to mark my personal growth that way. The next decade...hmmmm...all one knows is that you know nothing (John Snow) you want to afford the future. You want to be healthy, happy and confident that life has given you more successes than losses.All of a sudden life seems so damn fast. It is as though I cannot keep up ,and I am being pushed along with the crowd. More than ever I am conscious about taking care of my thinking... I have to work on maintaining a good attitude about things. I cannot go through life using my thinking to perpetually hash up the past. I cannot live there. I am now also finding myself asking what is happiness? I don't have to be constantly entertained? Solitude is very enriching to me. After a year of uncertainty for a large part of it, and watching people plot and scheme to insinuate themselves into positions, I am entering the next decade with a shift in my focus of what matters to me and how I am going to work now. A dear friend very kindly told me that what I experienced is not as uncommon as it feels.I just felt let down and tired...overworked, underpaid and under appreciated. The situation I realized was a wake up call. I can be doing other things, and that's the direction I will be taking.

Devastated

Over the last month my family and I have been faced with coming to terms with the swift yet slow, painful death of my mothers youngest sister. One year ago she was diagnosed with Liver Cancer. From then on we all formed a group for prayer and support. My middle Aunt finally travelled to see her a few months ago. We have been communicating with them all of the time, and as they news became more and more bleak, we spoke hourly. and then half hourly and then fifteen minutes apart. We have been devastated by this death. My Aunt was never ill. She had retired from Nursing, and was one of those people who was always so conscious of her health. She ate organic stuff before it was even popular to do so. I shall be writing about what her death means to me for a long time to come. ............

debris

I was speaking with my mother a few days ago and I was telling her that she and dad brought us up to feel very optimistic and confident about the world. I internalized everything as terrifying though, and very early my sense of perfection coloured how I viewed my own efforts. I believe that only now do I feel the confidence that came from theorizing things, Life and experiences gave me a sense of the pessimism I expected. I see it in others too. I think it comes from a number of places. Internally from family experiences, but also from what you are listening to and reading at home and then hearing from people in and around your family, including Teachers and aquaintances. I think that the subtle self talk and ambient noise of the world can settle like silt at the bottom of your consciousness and get stirred up whenever another type of stress gets to you. It is a constant struggle. I have written here over the years of looking in on the lives of people I know and of strangers, observing the knowing smiles, the everyday normality of a hug, a good talk producing laughter, a parent lifting a child into the air, and wondering about the fragility I felt at being on the other side of that. I asked myself many times what was it about me that was leaving me feeling as though my world of happiness had been blown up and I was sitting in the debris. I was sitting in it. Most definately. My mind was sitting in it, trying to find the horizon that shone through it. I kept asking myself, when would I become friends with the only person I could not ignore? When would I just trust myself all of the time? When would things someone said off-handedly not wound me and leave me in a ball of pain? When would I take up those great moments of confidence as a permanent battle cry? Then, very, very slowly I saw myself as a person for real. I saw that I will have moments of doubt, of setback, of pain, of confusion...but it would not have to hang around me like a bad smell. It is life happening, and I am inside it and part of it and I am a shard of that energy and refraction and reflection and I am right where I need to be.

bright lights ahead

The year is nearly at an end and I am looking back at it. What I did, what I didn't do (yet) and what I want to do soon. This year my time has been cut down by scheduling between my mother and aunt regarding my fathers health. The time that I get with my daughter has also arbitrarily been cut down by her father. As usual, I have had projects that I have wanted to establish this year. I would say that I have had this same mood about that for the last five or so years. I always feel that I am so close, and then things have not worked out. I feel that closeness again, as I am presently waiting to get an email from a company specializing in something along the lines of my big project. I am very excited about that. I know that as soon as I have something that I can see as consistent, I shall feel much better about all of the things that presently stress me out in that area. This year I had to confront so much about human frailty in myself and others. I had some breakthroughs with travel and looking in on my self confidence and goals. It has not been a bad year. I could always use more money. Lol. 2020..... I would like to travel more, particularly to somewhere I have never been and want to experience. I have the group show to work on, as well as three books to complete. The months ahead can be filled with everything I want to achieve and then some.

Questions

A friend of mine is currently abroad for three months, she does that every year, so we end up speaking via Skype or Whats App. After one of our chats, she mentioned something that has made me curious. She stated that I know very well that I give myself my own issues to deal with. I agreed, but now I want to take a closer look at that. Time flies, I remember being twenty-one and wondering about this future. I certainly did not see any of this ahead of me. I wonder as well about the next fast twenty years ahead. What will I grapple with, what shall blindside me? What will bring me joy? What am I doing now that I shall look back on and wish or honor having done? Suddenly there is no more time sometimes. Suddenly, the fears are so great that acting in any direction leaves me un-mobile in my mind, but somehow, I want to have these conversations with myself on paper. I would say that 2019 has brought me to a place where I am willing to dream again and to set forward plans based on pure speculation for a change. I finally understand that the planning does not have to be perfect, or even long term. As to the question my friend put to me, I will write that if I give myself these tests, then I shall continue to write them and respond to them the same way. What matters to me now is the times in between. The times when I am not being predictable. I know that I am being a bit of a smart-ass here...about time. I have some set ways, and this year I have been very confrontational with the parts of me that I usually downplay. I have noticed them piping up and have been feeling a lot more balanced for it. The messy and not so messy sides are facets and assets. It is also so funny, I could intellectualize all I want, but there is much to be said for experiences. For whatever is ahead, that freedom to THINK for a moment, to rest in an assurance of your next step...that is so important. You make the best plan or you wing it from thing to thing producing....what? You at this moment. I saw it in an article in "O" magazine once....the actual number of brushed teeth, sleeping, eating, walking that one will do in a lifetime. All life times add up. We all impact each other. It is wearisome for me at times to consider that I am creating my experiences to "feel' something I need to prove or disprove. To add or to subtract. Why? Because I feel everything in the end...and I go straight into analysis mode...why, how? What was the point of doing that? All of that is me. I sit at home and I plot the course and I hurt my own feelings and I get up and do everything all over again in a different type of sequence that makes me feel that it is all new to me....again. What a life?!? Yet, can there be anything better?