so much more

Every time I have come to my blog over the last few weeks I have found that I stare at the blank page and think about what I want to write, and then, I write nothing. However, I go away with so much to focus on. I am feeling very confident and happy of late. I have peared down my list of daily concerns and chosen instead to focus on the things that I can accomplish. That small act has been a comfort. In this still very active covid-19 period that is still very much with us, I have found delight in the small things. For example...my birthday was last week and my mother made me an Amaretto flavoured cheesecake. That has been a little slice of high calorie heaven. I acompished one or two niggling tasks that I have been putting off for whatever reason, and that has been a great feeling to check off of my list. The sound of the birds around the house are always an inspiration to the beautiful place that I am lucky to call home. Writing right now is another little joy. I am finding more and more that the good things that I focus on pay off in great dividends and I am grateful for that. Particularly as yesterday my ex-husband was at it again with his Lawyer, sending me a threatening letter about a simple thing like a renewal of a passport for our daughter. When those sorts of things crop up, it is very disruptive because he makes something simple into a terrible scene. But yesterday I had an out of body experience because when I did speak with my daughter I came to a realisation about exchanges with him. I saw that even though I open my own mouth and believe that I am being reasonable in the way that I express what I am encountering with him, my poor child is only experiencing it as noise. So despite my best intention, I am also part of the problem. I have the opportunity to be the bigger person, yes, and the opportunity to be the biggest person by playing the long game. and it is a game, no doubt. I have done it in the past, but now it was cemented for me. It is best summed up in a Buddhist saying that I read decades ago, which goes roughly....make yourself like water between the rocks... as I write that, I feel the sense of it. Yesterday produced so much pollution. In my desire to make things better, I also became the problem. I am so aware of it now, and I so want to fix it. But I have to give my child a little space to come back to me and trust my behavior. I felt a bit dispondent as well because of course I got into a little spiral of feeling sorry for my choices. What have I created with this whole messy issue that keeps coming up! But after I put that out there, my mind caught it and I was able to see past the block and know that it does not mean that I am stuck with that position as the only way to see. There is so much more to be happy about. I am not IN a relationship with him anymore. I am not in a situation where I stayed and put her through that scene on a daily basis as her experience with her parents. She and I communicate honestly and consistently, and despite yesterday, we will get the opportunity to talk with each other and I will listen to her needs and do better as her mum. I used to fall apart. I used to feel so grieved and disparing. I USED To. I don't feel that way any more, and that is the miracle of the situation.

Going back has helped

I may have mentioned awhile back that I was looking through a few old diaries of mine. Well, a few weeks on I can state that going back has rejuvinated going forward. I went back in time and eavesdropped on my much younger self.I remembered what those times meant to me... I recalled the way the horizon was before me, completely uncharted. In so doing, I know that the horizon is still very much there. I recalled my curiosity about my plans, goals and dreams.Again, they are still very much part of who I am. I am, I have, I became and continue to be becoming. What a relief that is to me. My past is not something I lament. Time has indeed smoothed over so many things that appeared only one way or that I have forgotten. Putting one foot in front of the other understanding what 'present' means in all its ways...today I feel a gentleness within me and I am grateful.

Future conversations with myself

Sometimes I have conversations with myself that feel as though I am having them with someone else. Such moments make me laugh and also take me way out of my comfort zone when I catch myself doing it. However, I will now state that those moments are opportunities to catch myself off guard where I am not "on" for the world, but on for myself. This week I had an unusual moment along those lines and I am going to try to see whther I can explain it. It was as though I went into an alternative universe for a moment. I felt a sort of out of body experience yet I was very aware that I was still where I was. Then it was as though someone was speaking to me and through me. I was wondering what was going on and I was also still enough to be patient and listen. I should have written this before, because I do not recall what it was that I heard. I will just state that I may have more of these experiences and the next time I shall write it down as soon as I can.

Two things this week

One....reading an old diary from three decades ago and then...TWO...with the cleaning up,coming across endless bank statements and old journals and realizing that no matter how excited you get about the things you buy,either because you have a desire for them or that they are practical purchases, everything ages. Everything becomes a space in the negative spaces around your home. The many, many shoes I have, they are all just lined up. My clothing are hanging in the closet like I left the house and live elsewhere. The old toys are in a way the strangest of all. I found what may have been some novelty one, a blue bird whose wings flap and carries a little rider on its back who appears after you crank the wings long enough. Can one imagine that it was once an idea on a drawing board and then there was a decision to make perhaps a gazillion of them! Then they were marketed and distributed all over the world! It now sits in a pile of things to throw into a landfill. I feel so bad about it too. One moment something brought pleasure or entertainment, fullfilment or necessity and then, it is looked at with hesitation...bin or sentiment leading to the bin in the end. Greedy Greg ate all the green grapes . A refrain that just came to mind. All of that also gave me a chance to see distance between me and the past as I looked at it with some fondness as well, and of course. Perhaps going forward there is a chance to think about practical things. Think more and more about what else I can do for my environment. In some of the journals I saw the many, many times I wrote down inspirational lists, things on business plans, tons of work documents that I am finally throwing out (an aaahhh feeling there) and with everything I wanted to say in a loud voice, just live. The lists are fine, but it is the actions that prove them to be true. Just live.

Spring cleaning

I have finally started to look into a long time chore that I have not wanted to deal with. I am happy to report that in the starting I have discovered that there is a method by which I can, with some more days and weeks ahead, see the end of that rainbow.I find that doing one good thing does indeed lead to another. It compels me to push forward with other things on my list and that is a very, very good thing.

Strange and interesting

I went over to my neighbour's house with my aunt today. We had some pawpaw's from our tree to give to her. We have not been out of the house since last week Saturday, so just the act of doing what we did felt very odd. The street was empty of cars, apart from one neighbour who parked outside of his house. The entire place felt so still, not a peep from anyone. I must admit that I enjoy the peace. It is a shame that to achieve it, a pandemic had to occur.

LOCKDOWN

Our Prime Minister came to the nation a few days ago and declared a state of emergency. The covid cases that have suddenly begun to climb this month are worrying enough to cause it to happen. Amidst all of this, further pause is caused. I do not think that I have ever contemplated death more. mine, my closest family, friends...appreciation for life...wondering what to make of the life before me. Some countries like England are celebrating getting out of quarantine and getting back to being in groups and going out and having fun and it is easy to look on at them and feel a bit of a twinge of envy. But I also think that what covid-19 spikes have done is to show us here that we still have been very fortunate. Our curfew is from nine at night to five in the morning, so the disruption is not really that oppressive. The SOE is being done to prevent congregation of people. My aunt and I were out two weeks ago at one of our large markets and we observed how much people were lingering around and crowding and we were concerned then. So we understand our situation now. I must also write that one of my favorite places, Taiwan, was doing so well and now they are also experiencing a serious spike. The whole world has to be vaccinated for this virus to dampen down. It shall take some time. I am thinking that by this time next year life shall be better. It shall not be the same of course. I think that the rules of covid-19 shall remain...wear a mask, sanitize and social distance shall be a choice to focus on every time we go out, as there are people who refuse to take the vaccine. For the end of the last century and this century, we have heard of Ebola, Chickenguniya and now Covid-19. These virus varients kill. We have no idea what may come next and I still marvel that a piece of cloth with two strings keep us alive. We have much to be grateful and thankful for and I am definetely thankful.