so much more

Every time I have come to my blog over the last few weeks I have found that I stare at the blank page and think about what I want to write, and then, I write nothing. However, I go away with so much to focus on. I am feeling very confident and happy of late. I have peared down my list of daily concerns and chosen instead to focus on the things that I can accomplish. That small act has been a comfort. In this still very active covid-19 period that is still very much with us, I have found delight in the small things. For example...my birthday was last week and my mother made me an Amaretto flavoured cheesecake. That has been a little slice of high calorie heaven. I acompished one or two niggling tasks that I have been putting off for whatever reason, and that has been a great feeling to check off of my list. The sound of the birds around the house are always an inspiration to the beautiful place that I am lucky to call home. Writing right now is another little joy. I am finding more and more that the good things that I focus on pay off in great dividends and I am grateful for that. Particularly as yesterday my ex-husband was at it again with his Lawyer, sending me a threatening letter about a simple thing like a renewal of a passport for our daughter. When those sorts of things crop up, it is very disruptive because he makes something simple into a terrible scene. But yesterday I had an out of body experience because when I did speak with my daughter I came to a realisation about exchanges with him. I saw that even though I open my own mouth and believe that I am being reasonable in the way that I express what I am encountering with him, my poor child is only experiencing it as noise. So despite my best intention, I am also part of the problem. I have the opportunity to be the bigger person, yes, and the opportunity to be the biggest person by playing the long game. and it is a game, no doubt. I have done it in the past, but now it was cemented for me. It is best summed up in a Buddhist saying that I read decades ago, which goes roughly....make yourself like water between the rocks... as I write that, I feel the sense of it. Yesterday produced so much pollution. In my desire to make things better, I also became the problem. I am so aware of it now, and I so want to fix it. But I have to give my child a little space to come back to me and trust my behavior. I felt a bit dispondent as well because of course I got into a little spiral of feeling sorry for my choices. What have I created with this whole messy issue that keeps coming up! But after I put that out there, my mind caught it and I was able to see past the block and know that it does not mean that I am stuck with that position as the only way to see. There is so much more to be happy about. I am not IN a relationship with him anymore. I am not in a situation where I stayed and put her through that scene on a daily basis as her experience with her parents. She and I communicate honestly and consistently, and despite yesterday, we will get the opportunity to talk with each other and I will listen to her needs and do better as her mum. I used to fall apart. I used to feel so grieved and disparing. I USED To. I don't feel that way any more, and that is the miracle of the situation.