A friend of mine called to let me know that she is house sitting for a month. She said that she had really wished that she could get away from all of the drama going on at her own place. So when suddenly she got the call to look after the person's dog, she took it. I like the way that my friend manifests her needs and wants. She is a very focused person. Her work consists of environmental, mystical and emotional content, so this is just an extension of who she is and I dig the optimism.

My other side

Being in this house as I wrote before is like living with a ghost. I have moments when I feel as though I have gone bac in time. It isn't anything specific. It is a hovering sensation. I feel like all I can do is hold still and pretend that it isn't there and it will pass by like a cloud. Then there is also an awareness that my reaction is clearly a remnant of something I thought I had expunged. That is a but annoying. But then, I also see that it factors into a place that I never wanted it to reside in and that is insecurity. I know this because right after I stop playing that song on repeat, the next one is a litany of views that I battle with about myself that come up in rapid fire. Seeing what I am doing, the way that I am behaving, I centre myself and let it pass over me and I replace those feelings with what I am doing now.

On the other side

It has been five days since moving to my ex husband's house to take care of our daughter. It has caused she and I a slew of emotions beginning with being quite thrown by the way he chose to handle the matter. I also have found nostalgia kicking my ass until I was summerily kicked elsewhere this afternoon. He has not written to me to tell me that he has arrived. He is moving true to form. But before he left both he and my daughter got covid. In the last two days she has been complaining about shortness of breath. I have been monitoring her and doing everything that should be done for such a maledy. This afternoon she had a meeting with the Psychologist she has been seeing for a few years and I finally met her. She called my ex husband about my daughter's breathing and he then wrote to our daughter asking how she was. I have been so burned by that man that I am writing in a paranoid way about the entire thing. However, it triggered me because it seemed that he is planning to behave as though our daughter is living on her own, and the Psychologist didn't tell me anything but called him. I spent a few minutes feeling some kinda way about all of this. I really observed myself doing my best not to spiral into a place of serious doubt about simply everything. Was he going to spend the next four months pretending that I do not exist while doing what he wants? I felt trapped, tricked and angry. Then, fortunately I got a grip. Lately I have found a strategy for triggers....I say to myself how far are you wondering from your target? Why am I being distracted? That has helped tremendously and I used it and was so much better after for it.

new path

In a few days I shall be writing from a different house. I have been doing my best to not think about it too much, as it shall be a change that is twelve to thirteen weeks long. However, the same way that I can fill my time with a certain anxiety, I also fill my mind with all of the things that I want to experience with my daughter. For the first time in five years and really...ever....I shall have her on my own for the longest stretch of time. When I had her more, he still managed to take up her weekends. I see us doing a lot of walking and talking. The weather has been very wet, but there is the opportunity to do that nonetheless. We can plan our weekends together. There is the proximity to both the zoo and to the botanical gardens, lots of food places and other types of entertainment. There is the opportunity to teach her how to do all of the things that a young girl soon to be an adult must know to do, and there is a chance to just give her all the hugs and kisses and proper attention that she so deserves way more than she's had. But also, for me, it is an opportunity to go in a brand new direction with my other work and that too is exciting for me.

The Crown

I broke down and decided to look at The Crown. I do not know whether I can stick it out and I am now on the second episode of the new season. One thing is coming home to me very strongly and it comes from a conversation had with a former student today. She was extremely upset about her job and wanted some advice. She's teaching in a religious school as someone in love with a transwoman, so she is feeling the threat to her psyche. I had her know that anywhere she chooses to work she has no guarantee of any change in attitude, so she must nurture herself. She is extremely resourceful and curious, so she must hone her talents when not at work and use them in her classes if applicable. The Crown comes up to me because in the wake of Prince Harry and that book of his called Spare (that I refuse to read or know anything about) it is clear that at every level in society people have problems. We want to believe that 'other' people are doing great and living a life that we want. But what is that? When a Prince Harry or a Lady Diana start picking away at their challenges living in luxury we all turn on the snooze button. How dare you complain? What more could you want? Wealth shouldn't mean loney, hungry or angry. Wealth is not supposed to mean depressed, scared or scarred. But it does and it can. i always think that we all should consider our lives and imagine those who wish they were us. That puts so much into perspective.

In the last few days something interesting has happened to me. I don;t really know how it started, but it may have been a combination of things. Perhaps it was reading about wellbeing, doing a few more exercises, eating a bit better....but suddenly I began appreciating some little things about myself. It sounds absolutely absurd.But it is true. I just began to notice that I didn't have to be uptight about things that I am always being uptight about and have been running like a non stop loop of criticism on low frequency all of the time. The following day that little bit , that sprinkling of something good...good vibe spread like mustard...now today it got bigger.

So damn lucky

The argument yesterday has me confronting the value of 'being GOOD anyway.' His belief is that you cannot be happy 24/7. He is correct. You cannot be up forever. It does not exist. However, you can be mindful for a large amount of time. When the belief slakes, it does so because of habit and comfort. If you really analyse that feeling of down and of comfort within it, I find that you begin as Tolle stated, see that there is space between you and the emotion. You have just enough to breath in a literal space of rest. How does this impact chronic pain or serious illness? I believe that it is most relevant in those constant moments even moreso.