truth and consequences

Your heart knows you're not entirely happy with a certain situation or with your declared plan for dealing with it. Coming events will vindicate your viewpoint. Try not to worry about something already on the mend.
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Yesterday my soon to be 'x' husband asked me to meet him for lunch. I though meeting was unnecessary, but soon came to realise that he wanted to see as well as speak to me because he has a court order not to email me any threatening letters, so he has decided not to email me at all. Thus, having to meet.
Time is such an important elixer, and although I needed to vent my pains and I certainly did, I was also able to push past much of what I had been feeling, to listen to his suggestions to me.
He repeated the plans he has had for Canada, yet again, only this time, I really can affect him negatively if I decide that I just don't want to go. Yet, he would allow me to affect them, because he can go to Canada anyway. He doesn't need me to be able to go.
I sat in the restaurant and felt like I was having an out of body experience.He and I said so much, that all I can muster now is that we are now tentitvely on the road to a new 'relationship'. Not just for our child's sake, but for ours as well. Can we be friends? I don't know? I have never had such a contentious friend. However I will try, because I did like many things about him, and I prefer seeing him than being broadsided by his strategies.

moving on up

I have not written in quite sometime. So much has gone on. The decision to start this site was a very good one, and it really helped me considerably. I am now truely standing at a new doorway, with things to do that impact me first and only. It is both exciting and daunting at once, and I am ready to be much more creative in my life and in my work.

Think of all the experts charging their inflated fees who would be out of work if only we knew how simple most of their jobs really are. You are about to get much satisfaction as you discover how simple a troublesome situation really is.
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Ok, now this is getting creepy in a good way. That is my horoscope today in the Toronto Star and it is on point! I have been dealing with a few matters in court. (Yes, it has been that long and reached to that) and I have spoken to five lawyers and have to conclude that they ask alot to do very, very little! It is appaling. But the worst part is that I have been trying to get it into my soon to be x-husband's head that talking over custody is better than going to court and fighting over what we will be asked in a court of law to do anyway. But he seems determined to make everything difficult and to spend what he cannot afford to 'show me!' It is all so unnecessary and wasteful.

long, cool breeze

I have not written in awhile, so much has been going on in my life. I am actually glad that I have not had a chance to, as the things that have gone on have been awful. I have been stressed out and my family and friends who are closest to me have been as well. It has ben a very trying time.
Yet through it al, in my inimitable style, I look for the blessings within the experiences and manage to find them. The biggest one being the little one, who is with me at last!

Though you are keen to take decisive action on an important matter, the key to success involves approaching your next challenge with quiet confidence, not noisy nervousness. With the right frame of mind, you'll win.
~

I keep saying that somehow this information that I keep getting is uncanny. I can see how people get hooked on it.
I have decided to return to the apartment. It is a big change for me, as I have not spent any time there at all. But it is the right move to make.
I am actually very excited about the move.
It shall send a very clear message to all concerned, and be the jolt that I need to take to go forward with my little one. Once I move, I have to start looking for work in earnest (and I have already begun to do that) and I have to get a car.
That may take some doing. I have never had a car, and I don't even know how to fill one with gas! I have so many things to learn this year that I feel like a twenty- one year old with a child. The great thing is that, it will feel like an adventure, and when things feel that way, you are more interested in enjoying the experience and being present within it, instead of constantly judging your own performance and rating yourself as lacking.

By the way....

One of the things that helped lead to the ah,ha moment, was the fact that to someone else, my situation is not a problem. I thought about it, hearing someone say to me, "But this isn't a problem," and after that statement, hearing myself as if from on the outside looking in, seeing it all with detachment.
Being able to do that, led my thinking to what has been bothering me specifically, now. My mothers' meddling, while trying to be helpful.
She keeps talking to everyone she knows about my 'situation' so much so that my aunt in Canada had to call me to tell me that my business is all over the street. I expected that that would happen, once I spoke with my mother and her other sister. But hearing those words, really pissed me off.
I spoke to both of them about it, but they haven't stopped talking!
The answer is simple, take control of your life. Thank them for caring, but make it clear that you do not require their opinion, even if you cannot live on your own right away. Don't allow yourself to fall into the parent /child trap and the take care of me, I am needy, poor me trap either.
Do the things that you need to do to get your life in order. it is that simple.

Growing up

What a difference a day makes

I got up this morning in much better spirits, knowing that I am in control of my life. No one is going to make me feel inferior. Yesterday when I sprained my foot, I thought, oh great, "poor me" is looking for the ultimate drama. Preventing me from being able to do what I must do this week! I went to bed convinced that today had to be better than yesterday, and you know what, it is.
Just a shift in consciousness has done this to me, and I have to write about it because I want to show and to know that I will continue to be positive and better and better in my life.
Today, I am so greatful for what I am feeling. This feeling knows that I can control the way things are and will continue to be. By affirming that I shall be fine and that the love of my child shall create for me better and better, makes me feel at last, a fullfilment in my heart - as opposed to the gaping hole I felt yesterday.
I let so many thoughts, opinions and actions intimidate me. It is clear that when I am faced with behavior that is strange to me, my reaction is uaually to shut down and overthink the situation.
I worry myself into a fit, and respond by listening and being advised by others, thinking that they somehow know what is best. Not realizing that I am an adult and my decision is as relevant and moreso, important for me.
I need not apologise for myself. I need not feel weak and unable to cope with what life has given me.
The worst thing that I have been doing is giving over my power to others, and I have been doing it very, very well.
Fortunately, I have been feeling twinges of rebellion...thus the leaving the house and the sprained ankle.
Today I can see so much more clearly, that I am filled with relief because of it. But again, I must learn from this realisation today. Life isn't so simple that such realisation concretizes all of the time. I have been asleep for a long time. It shall take some serious monitoring of myself.
I notice that whenever I feel good, I have something else that happens to floor me, and I mean literally make me freeze. It has been hard. I have felt pulled in every direction. Yet, today, I can see straight and know that the answer for me is to have goals, have my opinions, stand on my own two feet and declare that I shall be better, happier, stronger - and it shall not be a fluke. It shall happen because I finally understand that I am not a victim, I matter.