Always something to contemplate

Yesterday an old friend dropped by and I was struck by my feelings towards something she said. I checked myself and realized that I felt that way because I feel stuck in one place. It is funny, how you could be doing many things, and feel very good about it, and then someone else can be the barometre for you to check yourself. So today I took the opportunity to feel the way I would really like to feel.
I know the answer isn't to get into some high paced, energy draining job. My job is my Art. What I need to do, is to start seeing some financial success for what I create.

new joys

In a few hours I would have sent work off to be exhibited and I would have exhibited another body of work, with sketches for a third show. I am in my element, doing the work that I want to do. But most exciting of all, I am making things that I want to see, and I am doing the work that I want to be doing.
This new technique is alot more dexterous, and there is a great deal of concentration on form. I am looking forward to adding more sturdy materials to the repertoire that I am presently working with, and to include artisans in what I am doing.
For the first time, I can see a straight thread through all that I am doing, and I feel a real buzz about it. In a way that I have not quite felt before. I always love my work, but this time, I see my ideas stretching into the horizon without any completely defined form, yet, clearly focused on expanding what I am creating now, and I love how that feels.
The energy that I have been wondering how to dispel, is finally being channeled as it should. I should have been writing about it here actually, but I did so offline. I had been having real issues with the occasional missing of sexual love in my life, and wondering how to handle it. When a relationship comes to an end, or at least my relationship, I have not been able to turn off my own feelings. Naturally I have my pride and my ego is bruised, so I keep everything bottled in and to myself. But I would be lying if I said that I did not miss intimacy.
I have been through so much for me, and I am learning every day, a bit about myself, my needs, my decision making, my hopes. It has been interesting to watch my own growth along with my little sweetheart.I am so happy to have her in my life. She brings me out of myself, and as a Cancer, it seems that that whole sheltered crab thing is true.
Again, I am happy to be finding my feet and to creating. I have never stopped, but now, I am more excited than ever to work on what I love.

the Dalai Lama is born on my birthday

Everything hangs on the outcome of a process of negotiation. It's got you feeling like a puppet on a string. But the more you see yourself as a victim of circumstance, the more you will become one. Your position is far stronger than you know.
~
After my tirade in the last post, I calmed down, took my child for our favourite walk and got centred. I learnt alot from my anger, and that seems to be the way things have been going.
I am experiencing so much, and at times I feel overwhelmed by how things seem to be coming to me. But in all of that, I find the avenues for learning and seeing how the universe works, too amazing to ignore the power of it.

This week, my birthday week, I have seen my ex-husband behave abominably to get his way, and for once, FINALLY I am seeing him without my rose coloured glasses. Finally I am seeing that I do not owe him anything. I cannot negotiate with someone who is controlling. He loves seeing me react to him. He gets kicks from engaging me and trying to manipulate me. It is obvious and troubling to observe his tactics. The oddest thing has been to listen to what he says and know that everything he accuses me of, I think exactly that way of him.
Yet, I must also have compassion. But, I also have to have the law on my side.

starting over yet again

After spending several months with my parents, it has become apparant that you can never go home again. The petty squabbles, the observations that get under the skin and repeated as gripes, all are the price paid for the kindness.
I realised today that I can leave. I have not really thought of it before as I have today. If I can go to the bank and withdraw a large sum of money to help my father buy a car, then I certainly can go to the bank and withdraw enough to have first and last months rent somewhere as well. It isn't a difficult thing to do.
Today I just got tired of the insults and the sense of disrespect that I keep getting from my father in particular. My mother just says things like, oh, he is diabetic and irritable. But no, he weilds words at me like slaps. Why would I put up with that? I have decided to leave.

Greateful

My dear friend and I had an evening like we used to have in the past when she had her store. I have been missing my friend and her councel. She told me so much about what was going on in her life, and I shared myself as well. But what was more important was the spiritual lessons learnt. It was so good to listen to her experiences and to see that my friend has grown and believes in what she is doing. It gives me the insentive to take whatever step is needed to meet my own goals.

humble learning

Today has shown me the use of energy in a way that I have not had a concrete way to look at it before. I was thinking about something from the past in my marriage that had upset me, but I did not come to any conclusion about it. Like a book, I put it away for later. When later came, I had an altercation with both of my parents over a very minor thing, and it happened because of a statement my father made that reminded me of the hurt that I brooded on earlier that day.

I was so shocked at my reaction to what went on. It was completely blown out of proportion. I was so heated and demonstrative, but moreso, shouting in a very emotional way. I could see myself and hear myself as though I were standing next to myself. I was not happy with what I saw.

I was most surprised by the way one small thing is not small at all, and no matter how together you may think you are, you can find out when you are least prepared, that you do not have it all together at all. You have deep hurts, and you still have to find a way to deal with them.

I am lucky that I like to write down these things, because, now more than ever, I feel that i need to make sense of my experiences.

new territory

I have not written in quite some time.Things have settled down, and we are now officially divorced. It is strange, but now that that is the case, he wants to talk and wants to be rational. It seems that marriage was preventing him from seeing straight. I am a bit resentful that he could not see all of these very obvious signs before all of this happened? But that is just the way that it is! Say la vei.
It is a strange feeling to now have to develop another type of relationship with him. But I am determined to do so, as the person I was when we married, was always concerned about his feelings and not upsetting him with things that would make him unhappy.
Not being married anymore means that I really don't have to have that concern. I can forge what I want to see.