Staring down fear

I believe that I may have named another post this before? But after writing what I just did, I remembered that I also wanted to write this.
When I feel as I just stated, I think that I should also just dare to go into the abyss and stare down whatever it is that seems to hold me fast.
Is it that I worry that I shall never make enough money to have my own life? Am I fearful of not living up to my childs' expectations? Do I worry that I will not be able to have a better life in my future? Am I concerned that I do not know how to go forward in my life?
Writing these things down actually helps that chasm that seemed to leap up in a blue haze. To see those words come leaping across the page is to see their ordinariness and to realise as well that they are just that, words that coat the psyche until one can see beyond them to other things.

Ever so often I feel blue...although I am aware that it does not last long. For example tonight my little one was studying my fingers as I put her to bed. So that helped me feel less down.
I suppose that it is only natural to feel this way when someone I have known all of my adult life now has walked away and not looked back.
The person I used to know would never do this. It makes me wonder what could be in such a mind? Is it that he is so steely that he could just forget with ease all the good and the great things of the past so very easily? I do not know anyone who can do that? Or even if he has gone away still justifying his rage, surely he should be able to see that it is not worth it?
What it tells me is that I probably never knew him at all? I know that I should not encourage this funk, but it all feels so wasteful, all that has gone on, wasteful to have done all that he did? For what?
Will I ever know and do I really want to?
Perhaps if I had had a different story by now, some new person in my life to distract me, I would not be feeling this way? Possibly?
Thankfully these moments dissipate quickly, and I move on to all that I am o thankful for now and for the future. I also suppose that the funk is there to remind me of better and better feelings around the corner.

Learning from work

At the moment I am working on a freelance job with someone who brought me on board. It has turned out that that person is not as professional as they claimed to be, and the worst of it is that they do indeed feel that they are extremely professional. It has been very challenging to work with them. They have made so many mis-steps that the client has called me several times and basically asked me to reign this person in.
It has been an experience to say the least.
For me the project has been straightforward. Get all of the elements to do the design, and she has not managed to give me these elements in a timely fashion, so now, she is bitching and moaning about charging too little, but she is still working on her part of the project although the deadline is next week.
She has also chosen to go to cricket when she should be working. So there it is.
What working on this job has shown me is my own work ethic. I have stayed on course (as I usually do) and I am very clear about my role (as I usually am)certainly the cost could have been higher, but in the negotiations, the client made it clear what could be afforded. We could have said no. I said yes based on the time factor and I have worked accordingly, not doing what I should not do.
So I am quite pleased that the project is on stream where my work is concerned.

much contemplation

Today I listened to my internal dialogue as I did a number of tasks. I was thinking about where I am at this moment, and the possibilities that lay ahead.
Some of my thinking was hedged in something that was said on television by an American. He was discussing the economy and saying that for the people who lost or are losing their homes because they could not afford their mortgages, they should simply cut a loss and move on. Your house is not your 'home', your 'family' is your home.

I understood the jist of what he was trying to say, but it sounded both harsh and condescending. Yet, within that statement there stood a nugget of thought that related to me in my life at this time.
It propelled the thinking within me about managing my present and what would my future bring?

I felt that a plan, any plan would benefit me, as long as at the end of each goal I saw results for myself and my child.
I felt as though I had not seen things this way before, and I became more and more curious about how I felt and what I want.
I was able to see that a large part of my inertia came from fear of the unknown and of course the suddenness of going it alone. I put all of that into perspective quickly and got down to brass tacks.

I gave myself a quick wake-up call. Where are you now and where do you really want to be going? But more importantly, what do you think happiness will really look like in your quest to be happy? Is happiness getting a house and a car and being able to travel and to have a large disposable income that keeps your needs met without worry?
In many ways, it feels as though aquiring these things is what you need to feed the machine, that machine is both ego and what society says you need to make it in the world.

Quite obviously there is no going back to primitive living, there is no point in that, and society would eat you alive and your child too.
There is a careful balance that one feels must be in place for life at this time. As I let the older lady pass me in the taxi, I wondered, am I preparing myself adequately for old age? Will my daughter be proud of my efforts?
What am I leaving behind?

When you are thinking like this, it seems as though every thought is concentrated, and life is swimming by. You feel as though time has slowed down for you to take a look at yourself from a distance. I saw things that I was not happy with, but I also was able to size myself up as not half bad at all.
I confronted my concerns about my age and timeframe for some of my plans, and I looked at the legacy thing too.

Did I get everything answered, obviously no, but I got started.

About myself

My year is off to a robust start, from having to nip an attempt to sabotage my job, by an alledged superior to the sudden end of communication with an intended interest. I cannot say that I am bored.
With all the hullaballoo, I have felt myself feeling highs and occassional lows. I have sometimes concluded that the lows, though few, seem to engaging, and I too sensitive. But in the end, I have always felt growth.

I am faced with new ways of handling the things that come my way, and the things that I want for myself and my child are not unattainable. We all want to feel secure and to know that our work is rewarding. Of course I want to leave a legacy that I am proud of, and I want to look back on my life as a spectrum of fabulous colours that invigorated my soul with so much to be thankful for.

Going forward alone does have its challenges, but also, I feel so good about myself, and I impart my positivity to others as well.

Some of the things that I have experienced in the last month are annoying and have made some setbacks, but, again, I decided to look at the advantage to these issues instead of harping for any length of time on the downer they have been.
But I am only human, and I will feel knocked about by things. But I will stand up and continue to do what I need to do.

yucky to yummy feelings

What a tumult of emotion went through me today. I started the day feeling so chipper and positive and then ended up being combative with a dear friend of mine. I am so glad that I now understand the energy of things enough to know that it is never about the thing at hand, but about the underlying 'thing at hand' that must be looked at.

Naturally I did not want to look at anything because I was venting my spleen, feeling so deeply frustrated about everything, whether I still had a job, how was I going to make money? What about all of the niggling things that seemed to be pervading my life at this precise moment...everything good seemed to vanish and a mess was what I found myself staring at.

It was then that I realised that under all of my combayah stories that I wake up and tell myself every day, there was a knot of pain that I clearly had not unraveled.
I had to get to it.
What would I find there? What would it be?

At one point I just started to say aloud all the things that I want to see in my life now.
It felt a bit strange to just put them out there in the open and to sort of swim in the sound, but I did it.

I didn't feel miles better, but I felt that it was important to vent what was hidden down inside.

I have to stop repressing what I feel. It comes out anyway in the end.

I want to feel that my life is going well for me, that I am making strides in my life and that there are things that I am developing that are yielding positive results.

I now also find that love in my life is important to me too. Not in a dependent way, that has never been my style. But more of a mutual joy and sharing that belongs to the adult me.
My little one provides deep joy, but I have to share her, and she is not my possession after all, neither would a man be to me, a possession. I am talking about the things that are special, the planning, the letters, the anticipation that is built through getting to know the other and liking that process...my work is going well, and I am very happy about that. I am also a bit scared because it looks so different and off the beaten track...which is me anyway.

A friend said it best this afternoon to me, he said, hey, your feelings tell me that you are healthy.
Now that is worthwhile.

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt
and dance like no body's looking

~

I found that quote on a blog and had to post it here. It is so cute, and so true. As I was writing, I felt a very strong earthquake. We do not normally feel them on this side of the island, so i can just imagine the reaction of many people. Particularly as yesterday it rained almost all day.

The Christmas season is bringing out a lot of thoughts about the year and about making peace with myself and others.

It is a time for reflection, and for making plans. It is really wonderful to be able to do any of that.
My friend is better, her son is here and his wife shall be coming in a few days, so they shall have a little romantic time.

I feel optimistic about my work and my plans, and I feel really good about things for myself and for those I love and know.

A few days ago I saw an image of myself on a student's cd. I looked bloated in the stomach, and I was alarmed at my silhouette. But the oddest thing happened. I was surprised, and then I instantly realized that I had to give thanks for even thinking of myself from the point of aesthetic beauty. i am fine, I live, I breathe, I impart information. Yes, I need to cut back on fructose and bread. But I am fine. I have nothing to be upset about. So what if I look less than my sexy best!
I thought of Britney Spears in front of the whole world being ripped to shreds on her body this year.
The perspective came home to me quickly.
I know what I can do to look my best, and it isn't difficult to do.

I think that what is helpful is the feeling better about myself and cultivating positivity in myself and feeling it from others that can guide you.

All is well.