With great shame I must call myself out this early morning, 2:18am. I miss my ex-husband! God, I sqirmed writing that. It felt really crawly to admit. I think it may be because he has our little one this weekend. I am trying to figure out why I feel this way? What is it that I think I miss? I know right away the things that I certainly do not miss.
Perhaps it is the idea of family that I actually yearn for again.
I think that that is actually it.
I do not like the fragmenting that has gone on because of divorce.I know that I do not miss the hurt, the dislike, the unkindness that met me at the end.
I do not miss the meanness, the loneliness and the anger either.
Getting out of that relationship was a good thing to do. I could not have continued under those circumstances.
What I miss, and what time has done, is gloss over the bad and kept the good, and I am naturally responsive to that.
That is all.
What I miss is the best of what a relationship can bring.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Larry King had a number of people on his show a few nights ago for a panel discussion. The group brought up a number of salient points that I want to record here.
Bringing love, that energy of love if you will into any situation you can, whether you're right or wrong doesn't matter. But it's using that energy of love.
2. They are a higher frequency. And what you give out, that energy you give out, you will get that back.
It's almost like, think of it as creating a portrait, a picture, OK? Painting. And you're creating that painting with your actions, with your thoughts, with your words
3. All choices are based on two things, either love or fear. That's all there is.
4. I think we materialize our thoughts. I think right now we are exactly what we thought about before.
5. About guilt - Overcome it? Through observation, through not allowing the guilt, the shame, the blame to run you. You become aware when it's there. You bust it. You identify it. And then you place your attention on living a more inspired life. People that are guilty are living in the past.
6. You have to have the courage to look inside yourself and really look at yourself, who you are as a spiritual being, have to look (ph) at experience and what lessons are you learning this time around? What's it going to teach you? Are you going to learn from the lesson or are you just not going to learn? It's wonderful opportunities every single day.
The biggest thing is to fall in love with yourself. You know? If you're not on your side, nobody is going to be on your side. Life is a gift. Death isn't a gift
7. We create our experience of reality. Most people don't experience reality, they experience their thoughts about reality. That which is real is eternal, it's forever. It's never been born, it will never die so the thoughts act as a filter and we end up experiencing that filter and we think it's real so people as J.Z. was saying, they project their fear onto a future.
8. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
9. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
10. why, why give up your future by holding on to an incident in your past? Your life should be more important than holding a grudge.
11. Because forgiveness is a process of the heart. The head says, no, no, no. How could I do it? And that's the hardest. That's why unless - I believe that unless you find really the gift, like what could I learn from this? How could I step into my next level of greatness? What could I create? How could I share? How could I make this world a better place because of this event? Then you're free.
12. forgiveness is the dynamic act of self-empowerment. You're not going to allow what someone else did to determine your destiny.
13. Karma can only determine starting points, it can't determine our destiny, however, and so you may have put out a lot of negative energy and you may - it will create a starting point for you but your destiny is determined by the attitudes and also your character.
14. We don't need to experience how someone else is treating us. We only experience how we're treating someone else and how we think about them and what we say about them and when you begin to understand that, you're now empowered.
Bringing love, that energy of love if you will into any situation you can, whether you're right or wrong doesn't matter. But it's using that energy of love.
2. They are a higher frequency. And what you give out, that energy you give out, you will get that back.
It's almost like, think of it as creating a portrait, a picture, OK? Painting. And you're creating that painting with your actions, with your thoughts, with your words
3. All choices are based on two things, either love or fear. That's all there is.
4. I think we materialize our thoughts. I think right now we are exactly what we thought about before.
5. About guilt - Overcome it? Through observation, through not allowing the guilt, the shame, the blame to run you. You become aware when it's there. You bust it. You identify it. And then you place your attention on living a more inspired life. People that are guilty are living in the past.
6. You have to have the courage to look inside yourself and really look at yourself, who you are as a spiritual being, have to look (ph) at experience and what lessons are you learning this time around? What's it going to teach you? Are you going to learn from the lesson or are you just not going to learn? It's wonderful opportunities every single day.
The biggest thing is to fall in love with yourself. You know? If you're not on your side, nobody is going to be on your side. Life is a gift. Death isn't a gift
7. We create our experience of reality. Most people don't experience reality, they experience their thoughts about reality. That which is real is eternal, it's forever. It's never been born, it will never die so the thoughts act as a filter and we end up experiencing that filter and we think it's real so people as J.Z. was saying, they project their fear onto a future.
8. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
9. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
10. why, why give up your future by holding on to an incident in your past? Your life should be more important than holding a grudge.
11. Because forgiveness is a process of the heart. The head says, no, no, no. How could I do it? And that's the hardest. That's why unless - I believe that unless you find really the gift, like what could I learn from this? How could I step into my next level of greatness? What could I create? How could I share? How could I make this world a better place because of this event? Then you're free.
12. forgiveness is the dynamic act of self-empowerment. You're not going to allow what someone else did to determine your destiny.
13. Karma can only determine starting points, it can't determine our destiny, however, and so you may have put out a lot of negative energy and you may - it will create a starting point for you but your destiny is determined by the attitudes and also your character.
14. We don't need to experience how someone else is treating us. We only experience how we're treating someone else and how we think about them and what we say about them and when you begin to understand that, you're now empowered.
Another chance
A dear friend of mine has a brain tumor. He wrote me to tell me yesterday, and it really shook me up. You need to ask yourself, what are you doing with the short period of time that you have? This person has children, and a new wife. He now has to confront his mortality, and he is handling it very well.
It made me realize that it is important to live your life every day. Stop complaining about what you don't have. Start being grateful for the day, for friends, for life.
All of this is already known, but the illusion that is life gets in the way and you start acting on auto pilot.
My friend's illness has made me ask myself, what are you doing to create and keep joy in your life every day?
Thank you so much for teaching me something from this situation.
A dear friend of mine has a brain tumor. He wrote me to tell me yesterday, and it really shook me up. You need to ask yourself, what are you doing with the short period of time that you have? This person has children, and a new wife. He now has to confront his mortality, and he is handling it very well.
It made me realize that it is important to live your life every day. Stop complaining about what you don't have. Start being grateful for the day, for friends, for life.
All of this is already known, but the illusion that is life gets in the way and you start acting on auto pilot.
My friend's illness has made me ask myself, what are you doing to create and keep joy in your life every day?
Thank you so much for teaching me something from this situation.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Looking at the turned corner
There is much to be said for personal growth.It comes sometimes, or possibly most times,from some experience that may be traumatic in nature.
My ex-husband returned to the country after giving me only two days notice when he left to immigrate. I expected that he would do what he is presently doing, which is returning and assuming that it is business as usual.
This time I was prepared for any outcome,and I was saddened that this could all have been solved with basic courtesy from him. If he had called at any time, or talked to me in a way that I could see that he understands that joint means working together. It doesn't mean kissy kissy, but it should mean civil behavior on his part. But he is not yet at a place where he can act that way, and so I have had no choice but to act as I have.
What is interesting to me about this latest experience, is that I used to be so afraid to put a foot wrong, and naturally I felt as though I made many mistakes. This was so pervasive that in some ways I gave up my opinions to him in our marriage. I also felt that I had to defer to those older than I,for advice. I realized that I had an authority problem.I did this under the guise of my own confidence,because I was not completely lacking in it,it was just that there were moments when I felt that I did not know something,and,I didn't venture forward.
I stayed in the background assuming that they knew better than I did.
What I observe now is that although I still display worry and sometimes fear in the unknown, I am not letting that stall me. I am not saying to myself that I cannot move because I am afraid of making a mistake.
Instead I am interested to feel the trepidation,as, in a way, it leads me to feeling what this fear is, and in looking at it stone cold, I can dissect it and lay it plain out before me and look beyond its alledged spikes.
Fear,worry, they are there, but they are not looming over me making me unable to move.
There is much to be said for personal growth.It comes sometimes, or possibly most times,from some experience that may be traumatic in nature.
My ex-husband returned to the country after giving me only two days notice when he left to immigrate. I expected that he would do what he is presently doing, which is returning and assuming that it is business as usual.
This time I was prepared for any outcome,and I was saddened that this could all have been solved with basic courtesy from him. If he had called at any time, or talked to me in a way that I could see that he understands that joint means working together. It doesn't mean kissy kissy, but it should mean civil behavior on his part. But he is not yet at a place where he can act that way, and so I have had no choice but to act as I have.
What is interesting to me about this latest experience, is that I used to be so afraid to put a foot wrong, and naturally I felt as though I made many mistakes. This was so pervasive that in some ways I gave up my opinions to him in our marriage. I also felt that I had to defer to those older than I,for advice. I realized that I had an authority problem.I did this under the guise of my own confidence,because I was not completely lacking in it,it was just that there were moments when I felt that I did not know something,and,I didn't venture forward.
I stayed in the background assuming that they knew better than I did.
What I observe now is that although I still display worry and sometimes fear in the unknown, I am not letting that stall me. I am not saying to myself that I cannot move because I am afraid of making a mistake.
Instead I am interested to feel the trepidation,as, in a way, it leads me to feeling what this fear is, and in looking at it stone cold, I can dissect it and lay it plain out before me and look beyond its alledged spikes.
Fear,worry, they are there, but they are not looming over me making me unable to move.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
what joy would look like
This morning I saw a lovely site where the designer used African motifs. So many elements were generously designed in terms of shape,structure and materials. I have looked at it several times. This work made me fantasize about a whole house where these chairs, daybed,couches and tables would find a home.
A few years ago, MTV Cribs showed the Jamaican home of Naomi Campell. This was a series of modules off of a waterfront view that in itself was spectacular. What was so lovely about that was that each space was quite self contained. So you walk into a space where the bed is the focal point. There is a patio outside the room, so you feel a sense of indoor/outdoor luxury.
Another caribbean space I have loved, is the home of the photographer Patrick Demachievalier in Martinique. He has a casement house and the architect had the presence of mind and sensitivity to connect each case with landings, so again you have self contained spaces onto themselves. Images like that seem to feed my soul.
There was an article in Town and Country magazine of a European woman and her Chinese husband. They had the traditional Chinese house where the rooms open out to a central courtyard. I have also loved the look of Moroccan houses that also open out to courtyards and ultimately there is my deep love of Japanese minimalism.
Houses that work with the environment interest me, and as I am aware more and more of the need to have my own space, I wonder how to go about making this a reality.
I would like to have many things in the house that are hand made and artistically designed. From the drain catchers to the structures of the tables, chairs and bed, I would love a place that feels organic and beautiful, and writing about it makes me feel optimistic about it all.
This morning I saw a lovely site where the designer used African motifs. So many elements were generously designed in terms of shape,structure and materials. I have looked at it several times. This work made me fantasize about a whole house where these chairs, daybed,couches and tables would find a home.
A few years ago, MTV Cribs showed the Jamaican home of Naomi Campell. This was a series of modules off of a waterfront view that in itself was spectacular. What was so lovely about that was that each space was quite self contained. So you walk into a space where the bed is the focal point. There is a patio outside the room, so you feel a sense of indoor/outdoor luxury.
Another caribbean space I have loved, is the home of the photographer Patrick Demachievalier in Martinique. He has a casement house and the architect had the presence of mind and sensitivity to connect each case with landings, so again you have self contained spaces onto themselves. Images like that seem to feed my soul.
There was an article in Town and Country magazine of a European woman and her Chinese husband. They had the traditional Chinese house where the rooms open out to a central courtyard. I have also loved the look of Moroccan houses that also open out to courtyards and ultimately there is my deep love of Japanese minimalism.
Houses that work with the environment interest me, and as I am aware more and more of the need to have my own space, I wonder how to go about making this a reality.
I would like to have many things in the house that are hand made and artistically designed. From the drain catchers to the structures of the tables, chairs and bed, I would love a place that feels organic and beautiful, and writing about it makes me feel optimistic about it all.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
ex[ansion of spirit
Will this entry sound like a bunch of babbling? Maybe, because what I have to write may sound trite and also obscure, but that doesn't matter. I was listening to my thoughts bounce around tonight, now that my ex-husband is back in the country. I had some email to send, so I ended up on Facebook sending some mail there too, and I was thinking about what I had said about that other artist several months ago. The one who seems to be living the type of life that I would like.
It suddenly dawned on me that I have to just live that life every day. Live my life like I mean it. Really keep my focus on my highest good as much as possible. I realize that I feel better when I do, and when I don't, I am aware that I am not. I am also cognizant of the fact that down times are not cause for too much concern. They allow me to take my emotional temperature and to adjust whatever negative mindset is gumming up my consciousness.
In some ways, I am so slow in getting to the right actions. But I am really trying to be a better person.
So what would having the life I want actually look like? I always jump instantly to thoughts of traveling. I think of a living space next where there is a great space to work and for my child to enjoy her life.
Today we had another wonderful day. She took me for a walk to the river,she said Mummy, I want to go, and she literally took the lead.
I love when my nearly three year old reminds me of what matters. She does this all of the time, with humor and observations, and I thank her so much.
I have felt so much that I made a very big mistake with my finances, and I get very upset about it. But then, I move out of myself and I also project forward and remind myself that my best is ahead of me, and I am working towards it.
This year marks ten years since my first show, and a friend suggested that I have a retrospective. That is a brilliant idea.
There is so much I want to do. I'd like to do a number of sculptural works and environmental works. I'd like to do books, from adult pop-ups to texts for colleges. I'd like to earn an Academy Award for some form of design. The sky is the limit.
When I think on these things, I feel such an expansion of spirit. It is like an oasis in a parched land.
When I feel like this, I can even see my ex-husband from an elevated space, where I know that keeping to the high road will insulate me from stress and pettiness. He said to me back then that it was not personal, and I can have that feeling when I think of his intended moves, now that he is back.
I think that not focusing on him, as I had done for many, many years, and finally learning to focus on myself and what I require, has been deeply liberating.
Not caring what he thinks and giving it precedence over my own well being! Waw, the shoe has certainly dropped. The scales are off my eyes.
It is now, so not about him, that my language has changed. I look ahead with my child's hand firmly in mine as we move forward together.
It suddenly dawned on me that I have to just live that life every day. Live my life like I mean it. Really keep my focus on my highest good as much as possible. I realize that I feel better when I do, and when I don't, I am aware that I am not. I am also cognizant of the fact that down times are not cause for too much concern. They allow me to take my emotional temperature and to adjust whatever negative mindset is gumming up my consciousness.
In some ways, I am so slow in getting to the right actions. But I am really trying to be a better person.
So what would having the life I want actually look like? I always jump instantly to thoughts of traveling. I think of a living space next where there is a great space to work and for my child to enjoy her life.
Today we had another wonderful day. She took me for a walk to the river,she said Mummy, I want to go, and she literally took the lead.
I love when my nearly three year old reminds me of what matters. She does this all of the time, with humor and observations, and I thank her so much.
I have felt so much that I made a very big mistake with my finances, and I get very upset about it. But then, I move out of myself and I also project forward and remind myself that my best is ahead of me, and I am working towards it.
This year marks ten years since my first show, and a friend suggested that I have a retrospective. That is a brilliant idea.
There is so much I want to do. I'd like to do a number of sculptural works and environmental works. I'd like to do books, from adult pop-ups to texts for colleges. I'd like to earn an Academy Award for some form of design. The sky is the limit.
When I think on these things, I feel such an expansion of spirit. It is like an oasis in a parched land.
When I feel like this, I can even see my ex-husband from an elevated space, where I know that keeping to the high road will insulate me from stress and pettiness. He said to me back then that it was not personal, and I can have that feeling when I think of his intended moves, now that he is back.
I think that not focusing on him, as I had done for many, many years, and finally learning to focus on myself and what I require, has been deeply liberating.
Not caring what he thinks and giving it precedence over my own well being! Waw, the shoe has certainly dropped. The scales are off my eyes.
It is now, so not about him, that my language has changed. I look ahead with my child's hand firmly in mine as we move forward together.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Part of me felt that I should not write this post to put any energy into the call that I got today. But my phone isn't ringing loudly, so I never heard the call, so he left a message.
He's back. I knew that he would be, but I had also hoped that he would stick it out in the place that he broke apart everything he alledgedly believed in, to chase a vague dream.
Now he is back and expects that things shall be as they were before he left three months ago.
Oddly enough my little one and I discussed him last night. I had a strange feeling that he was nearby, and I said a little prayer. Actually as I write this, I think that I should begin to teach my little one to pray. It is just a calming thing to learn.
He sounded no different than he did before he left, much to my disappointment. But the good thing with this call, is that it shows me my continued growth. I am not moved by his call, I have my next and future moves in place, and that is very uplifting to me.
He's back. I knew that he would be, but I had also hoped that he would stick it out in the place that he broke apart everything he alledgedly believed in, to chase a vague dream.
Now he is back and expects that things shall be as they were before he left three months ago.
Oddly enough my little one and I discussed him last night. I had a strange feeling that he was nearby, and I said a little prayer. Actually as I write this, I think that I should begin to teach my little one to pray. It is just a calming thing to learn.
He sounded no different than he did before he left, much to my disappointment. But the good thing with this call, is that it shows me my continued growth. I am not moved by his call, I have my next and future moves in place, and that is very uplifting to me.
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