ex[ansion of spirit

Will this entry sound like a bunch of babbling? Maybe, because what I have to write may sound trite and also obscure, but that doesn't matter. I was listening to my thoughts bounce around tonight, now that my ex-husband is back in the country. I had some email to send, so I ended up on Facebook sending some mail there too, and I was thinking about what I had said about that other artist several months ago. The one who seems to be living the type of life that I would like.
It suddenly dawned on me that I have to just live that life every day. Live my life like I mean it. Really keep my focus on my highest good as much as possible. I realize that I feel better when I do, and when I don't, I am aware that I am not. I am also cognizant of the fact that down times are not cause for too much concern. They allow me to take my emotional temperature and to adjust whatever negative mindset is gumming up my consciousness.
In some ways, I am so slow in getting to the right actions. But I am really trying to be a better person.
So what would having the life I want actually look like? I always jump instantly to thoughts of traveling. I think of a living space next where there is a great space to work and for my child to enjoy her life.
Today we had another wonderful day. She took me for a walk to the river,she said Mummy, I want to go, and she literally took the lead.
I love when my nearly three year old reminds me of what matters. She does this all of the time, with humor and observations, and I thank her so much.
I have felt so much that I made a very big mistake with my finances, and I get very upset about it. But then, I move out of myself and I also project forward and remind myself that my best is ahead of me, and I am working towards it.
This year marks ten years since my first show, and a friend suggested that I have a retrospective. That is a brilliant idea.
There is so much I want to do. I'd like to do a number of sculptural works and environmental works. I'd like to do books, from adult pop-ups to texts for colleges. I'd like to earn an Academy Award for some form of design. The sky is the limit.
When I think on these things, I feel such an expansion of spirit. It is like an oasis in a parched land.
When I feel like this, I can even see my ex-husband from an elevated space, where I know that keeping to the high road will insulate me from stress and pettiness. He said to me back then that it was not personal, and I can have that feeling when I think of his intended moves, now that he is back.
I think that not focusing on him, as I had done for many, many years, and finally learning to focus on myself and what I require, has been deeply liberating.
Not caring what he thinks and giving it precedence over my own well being! Waw, the shoe has certainly dropped. The scales are off my eyes.
It is now, so not about him, that my language has changed. I look ahead with my child's hand firmly in mine as we move forward together.