Hear me

This is the last day of 2011. It cannot be helped that writing tonight about the year as it passes into history comes up. A few days ago I had a romantic evening that was quite unexpected. But this was after having a really lovely encounter with man from India one early morning when I was working particularly hard on a project and he knew exactly how to warm me up.
I am now officially a slut of sorts, because I am experiencing more than one man at a time in a cyber world. Of course I am not the only person having this duality in my life, but to me, it leaves me wondering about myself....but not in a bad way, I am just amused actually. So, yes, I spent the late evening with my first ex...at his friends absolutely stunningly beautiful house. He has an infinity pool, and he has lit the pool with colored lighting that changes every few seconds. We decided to skinny dip, he and I...not the home owner...that would have gotten into territory that could have proven a bit too much....he has had this fantasy though....anyway, we had a wonderful time and then went back to my house, but before that, we had a bit of a heated session, and finally it was taken to the inevitable step. Although I do not believe that it went as far as he may think.
All of that aside, so much changes on a dime, but more so, I am now thinking that in 2012 I do not want to be in limbo anymore in any aspect of my life. I feel that all I have been doing is putting up with the least common denominator. I am not really living. I have not travelled in five years...that in itself is shocking to me. I have been working, but I do not have the kind of money that I should. I still have the same list of things that I need to take care of that I had five years ago?! Now come on now....what am I doing? Can things be better? I am sure that they certainly can, but I have to make it so.
I admit that getting divorced and starting over was scary because I had left my job and my ex husband was threatening me constantly and the court costs ate a big hole in my savings. But now, I find that more and more I am putting myself out there, taking risks and experiencing new things and handling failure very differently...making things happen in my life on my own steam. I think that it is time to say to the universe, give me better, give me the things that I am asking for. Hear me!

The man from India

Today I saw him online and I said hello. We had not spoken in a bit. He always sends me happy birthday greetings, and we chat, but there is something about him...because we live so far apart, I cannot really think ahead.

But we have a past that we share that he brought back up today and had me blushing.

It has been six years, and yet, it is still so sweet. What lovely memories.

I wondered about myself...I had discussed the ex yesterday and now this man! The difference though is that this man is very available...but hundreds of thousands of miles away, maybe a million miles away.

This man can speak and lull you with what he says.

This man can touch you and make you forget where you are.

He is gentle, and sweet and funny and speaks several languages....he's a cunning linguist....and talented as hell.

This tells me that I am open to much.

I probably am not monogamous?

It is not as though I am being asked to choose am I?

It just feels a bit odd to be thinking of more than one man at a time.

Am I a ....slut?!?

Lol.

The men who hold my interest share many traits in common. The bottom line is that they are all very stimulating, in terms of speaking to them and then further, in touching them.

I have had sex with none of them, so that may also be the interest.

I have no idea who or when I will have such intimacy. There is some fun in speculating.
They are different in height, all taller than I am though.
They are almost the same complexion. But they are of different races.
One is married. One is divorcing and the other is many years divorced.
Also, I know one almost all of my life, another over a decade and the other just under a decade.
I do not have the tendancy of knowing men for short periods and I also tend to love and have the men in  my life love me in return. I am fully aware of how wonderful that is. I am speaking in terms of friendships. All of my male friendships are strong except for one lone person. my ex-husband, who does not want to be my friend.
That is so strange to me that I have taken a long time to accept that.
 But my cousin told me several months ago that it is important to keep thoughts of good times where he is concerned, so I do that.
As I did today with my partner who is sceptical about some work that I am to do. I told her squarely that I knew fully well that she has doubts and I am keeping my focus on where we need to be, so her opinion is just that.
It has taken me a long time to understand and see when something is not about me, and I can get out of the way and not let my ego kick in or up.
I think keeping aware of larger goals can do that.
...........
So, man from India. If I were to see you sometime soon, we would certainly not be talking. It would be so easy, so quick, so natural to just turn to the other and kiss like we never parted.
~It would be so very natural for you to take my hand in yours and to whisper how good it is to see and to feel the other.
~He would allow that standing in place, just touching and smelling and feeling the other with the wind gently blowing around us, before he used his hands to caress my face and place his nose against my cheek.
~I write allow because, one would want to rush, but also one would want to savour, and he savours completely.
~He would push my hair back and gently move his fingers down my neck and look into my eyes, smiling at me, his eyes oh so close to mine.
~ He would whisper in my ear, something that would make my groin react and he would breath and speak and lick the tender flesh there before he would pull away...he would take my hand and lead me where we need to be.
We might both laugh because the leading would have to be to a place where there is cool water flowing. He would get out of his clothing and help me with mine and we would get under the warm spray and we would embrace and kiss and feel the others body in a way that would be all about the touch, first....the touch...his mouth and the water would make me feel so restful, yet also so aware of the fact that his body responds to mine so completely.
We would lather the other, enjoying the others' body, again, taking on the touch, massaging, feeling our way along, kissing, sucking, tenderly biteing, remembering and creating anew.
He would turn my body to the wall and touch me with everything, including himself...his hand going around me to touch my stomach and down to between my legs. I would feel him insistant against me, I may moan softly.
My head going back against his shoulder and he would cup my soapy breasts in his hands, gently, so gently...as his strong legs would rub up against my parted ones.
My hand would go into his long hair and I would turn to kiss him properly, deeply and he would lean into me, my leg against his muscular back.
He would say my name again and again as I slide down his body to take him in my mouth.
His hands caressing my neck and in my hair now, his head back, his breathing erratic over time. He slides in and out, blissfully.
He reluctantly pulls away and reaches for me. This is not where he wants to be, and as I stand, he reaches for me, more agressively. his hands parting my thighs.
His mouth over my breasts, one at a time, and down, wanting as much as possible.
He whispers, he smiles, he moans as he acts.
Is the water warm or is it us?
May I? He asks.

A dear former student and I have been chatting lately. She is very emotional about someone whom she loves who is still with another, despite declaring her feelings for her.
We talked today, and I was giving her some strength to deal with the situation. Meanwhile, after I wrote the other entry, I realised that I should also mention that I saw my old flame last night and we ended up at one of his houses being used for his band. We stripped off  our clothes and wondered around the dark garden, touching the other and giggling, then raced back inside when being freaky outdoors proved to be a bit much.
As always it went only so far, and I wonder for the millionth time why I am still after all of this time, a fence sitter.
I will not give in, but I will not stay away.
I cannot believe that I am behaving this way. I keep being dismayed by my behaviour, yet also titillated too.
Geez!
I can only shake my head at the moment.
There is a level of control and familiarity for me. Also there is a lovely fact that he respects how far I am willing to go and no more.
He provides excitement and I provide excitement with him.
What a pair we are indeed.

I have not been here in quite sometime. I wanted to visit tonight, like visiting an old friend. I got hacked a few weeks ago, so this email address used for this site needs to change, but I have not altered it as yet.
I have also been extremely busy, of the many things being done, I have to close up a number of things because of what is coming. The band is going well, but very slowly and more and more I am aware of how much more my input is needed to make everything come together.

I fell off the wagon regarding my former squeeze. I know that it shall not do. But yesterday it hit the spot. I am a hypocrite for sure. As my main focus was self fulfillment, even if in a small way. This side of myself is a head shaker. One moment I find that I am steady and clear, and then at other times, I seem to be courting a 'bad' girl vibe.
Even with what I am learning, I find this side of myself coming out in baudy humour. What is all of this about? Somehow I cant feel too guilty as it is all part of me. I am curious to see where this is all leading me.

"Writing down your thoughts is both necessary and harmful. It leads to eccentricity, narcissism, preserves what should be let go. On the other hand, these notes intensify the inner life, which, left unexpressed, slips through your fingers. If only I could find a better kind of journal, humbler, one that would preserve the same thoughts, the same flesh of life, which is worth saving."

Anna Kamienska

Excerpts from “In That Great River: A Notebook”

What is this life...

In some ways, do you ever have a handle on life? I am now doing so many things that I have to pace myself. I am enjoying all the learning and teaching that I am doing. I am loving th creative things that I am making. It is all wonderful, and I am pushing to see more and more. This leads me to question time and how much of it is really available.
I have much work to create and I want to get to it.