Elephant in the room

Finally I was able to put a dent on the question that I have been wanting to ask Mr. World traveller. I need to come up with a nickname for him and stick to it. Anyway, we has our usual wonderful, friendly and a bit flirty talk on Skype. Then he did me something that threw me off. I probably do the same thing to, I know that I certainly have done it in the past, so I am conscious of it. He went from flirty to friendly. Suddenly he says something so cute and PC that I feel as though he has left me out in the cold with the sensual statements and just wants to pull back to being friends. Now I have no right being anxious about that because, as I stated before, I am the queen of ambivalence when it comes to such things. But now that I am having it done to me,my first thought and second thought is to pull way, way back and observe what is going on. Anyway, I kick down my inhibitions and I ask the important question and he gets right into answering me. What bothers me with this man is how long we have been dancing around our feelings. It has been years! Every time I think that there may be something, something comes up. This time around, I feel the way I did the last time. I feel that I should just give up on the whole thing. From the conversation that we had,I feel badly for him. He is still at the beginning of where I was five years ago. I think that there may be some hope yet for his situation, although he may not think so. As long as they are working out staying in the same place, raising their children, I think that they have a shot, and I am much, much happier knowing that he can be made happier and that things can work out for him, than what I would like to experience with him. This is simply age and reason talking. I have nothing to gain by pushing this situation in any way, so I think that I should just relegate myself to good friend again. After all, that is what I am, and really, with all that he has to do, that is actually what I do have, and it is a lot. So, hear I go again, shutting down something that he riled up...again. But I know that it is for the best.

Curious...

Yesterday I had been writing and also working feverishly on my computer on some work for a deadline, when out of the blue my overseas friend Skyped me a very long note. I was extremely surprised to see it and more so to read it. It was obviously filled with emotion. It was clear that he had taken some thought to put his feelings down. It actually made me get a bit choked up. He wanted me to know how much he values what we have. More and more I am finding that he is revealing a side of himself that is amazing me. I have known him for a decade and yet,he still manages to surprise me. I have come to my online diary tonight to try to work out some of my feelings about this man. When I read what he had written, it took me awhile to get passed the fact that it cluttered up my thoughts. I felt overwhelmed. Although he has said such things to me before, this time, his need to write it in such depth really affected me. I go back and forth about my feelings where he is concerned. I have planned on discussing my need to know what is happening with him before I invest another moment of feelings for him, but I have not been able to do this because we have not had an opportunity to really have a long chat about it. So, that decision being the case, the note really did a number on me. It got me all goggly eyed and soft hearted. Today though, I am back on the ball about what I want and what may or may not be going on with us. I really have to know whether he is moving on with his life or not. I cannot really react to his lovely words to me until I know once and for all, particularly because we keep building whatever this is into something more and then we have scheduling conflicts that prevent anything from happening. Anyway, if I am pragmatic, and if I look at this whole thing from a logical standpoint, I would say that all of this is happening as it should.

energy

There is something to be said about the day. It began one way and ended so unexpectedly. I do not know whether it is just a moment? If it is, I savor it. What a moment. After writing at length about my disappointment with my gentleman whom I shall now call frequent flyer because I forgot what I have called him before, I was so upset with him weeks ago, regarding the Skype conversation.
Then tonight, I was multi-tasking. I was online, on my I-Pad and had Fifty Shades Darker by E.L.James open while listening to music and lo and behold, I get a message from him.
I never expected the level of romanticism from this man. He had a whole fantasy planned out in his mind and he told me all about it. I could not believe it. He just let it all out, and I felt so awed by it all. it was delightful, delicious....I loved every moment of what he revealed to me.

My ex husband has let the other shoe drop. He has served me papers for full custody of our child. I half expected that he was up to something, but I had hoped that he would somehow see reason and use other tactics.Now that he has shown his hand, he now puts me in a position where this case will take up time and financial resources. He is basically being a nuisance. However, today is also the second anniversary of the death of my closest friend. For a moment that is much more important to think about. He has come to my thoughts as he has every day since his death. I miss my darling. I miss him very much.

Life is so very interesting. From one week to another, so many things can happen.
My almost tryst has been sending me emotacons and trying to test the waters with me. Depending on how I feel, I shall just let him know what happened, if he chooses to be thick about it.
Then the other person has also been sending me texts and calling, and the most interesting thing is that some very important information that impacts his business fell into my lap completely by surprise.
When I was told, my fingers raced across my phone in seconds, it was that serious. How it came to me in itself was very unexpected.

My schedule has finally slackened a bit, so I can finally breathe out a bit and do some very important things for myself.
I have not been successful in really reducing the things I have to do. I am as busy as ever, and even with my workload reduced, I still have enough to take up all of my time.

I am looking forward to making the things that I am setting out to make and doing the projects that I know will be the start of exciting things to come.

For the last few days I have thought quite a bit on what happened with both men. every cliche in the book seems to have been achieved. They both omitted information and both expected that they could just go on with business as usual.having experienced that, despite myself, I wonder about my own standards. Yet, these have been men who have been in my life for a very long time, so this is more about my own personal growth and the simple fact that I believed something at one point that I no longer believe as I move toward where I really want to be. That is really at the crux of the matter, and I am also wondering about my next move. At my age the cliche divorcee does not appeal to me. The dating scene does not either? The person suited for me may come along, who knows? I do know that there are enough things taking up my time to not have me feel like I need to worry about it too much. But I admit that there are moments when I would like to know that there is someone in my personal life. What these last two weeks makes me wonder is whether I may have been unclear myself about what I wanted to experience? I do not think so? Although I was relieved in both instances, at the way things went. I would not have liked to have taken either issue further and felt that it was all a farce. I think that I knew deep down that I did not want either thing in the bigger scheme of things. Both suggested a great deal of adjustment down the road that could not be guaranteed. I do not know whether it is that these men just have fantasies and are actually unwilling or afraid to act on them? I cannot say? I believed most of what they said to me, and what they implied, and what I did not believe, I confronted head on. I also believed that they do see my friendship as important. I think that neither of them is in a really good place right now, and I am a dangerous distraction, so I have taken myself out of the equation. They have both shown me a bit about my own value. They have reminded me that I am attractive beyond my own beliefs, I have much in my person to be proud of, and they did and do show me love in their own ways. Have much for which to be grateful. They are lovely men when I come right down to it, but at this time, neither suit what I really do want. They are not really free, and even if they were, neither may be right for me. Knowing this already, is a good thing for me.

Perspective is an amazing thing. I have had certain views about two men I have known for more than a decade, and now I feel differently about it all. This came about because they chose to say something to me that clued in to their motives.At this time I believe that both know that they have screwed up, and today I dealt with both of them in different ways. One I ignored and the other, I kept to professional conversation. I plan to stay that way. I was really disappointed with him. He really had me believing that we could get together. I had put having any feelings for him behind me, and he encouraged me to think that we were actually building something together, just repeating that makes me feel I'll! Ugh. Now that I am annoyed, I have no patience, as both are acting as though nothing of any great consequence has occurred. But I would prefer and should talk about what this revelation means to me now. I have to admit that a weight has been taken from me. I had no idea the amount of energy I was giving to supposition. my desire right now is to focus on things that I want to do. Last night as I gave thought to my day, which was spent preparing and supporting my mom as she helped a friend celebrate their hundredth birthday....I got a clear idea for the long suffering project that I was working on. I also have a few outstanding things to complete and to focus on creating my own work. All of this has me excited, and that is way more important to me than anything else.