Listen to your being. It is continuously giving you hints. It is a still, small voice. It does not shout at you, that is true. And if you are a little silent you will start feeling your way. Be the person you are. Never try to be another, and you will become mature. Maturity is accepting the responsibility of being oneself, whatever the cost. Risking all to be oneself, that's what maturity is all about. -OSHA .......... The other night I was reading over some of the things that I have written here. I have to say that this site has been refreshing. I write all the time, and today is the day before our nations independence. I cannot help but wonder about my own independence in my world. To me, the evaluation begins in the mind. There are things that I of course want to achieve, and I am still in the process of getting there. My mind though, my thoughts about what I want, where I want to go, how I want to be remembered, all of this feels stronger to me, than where I had been before. Recently I made a decision about love and relationships. I also decided what I am going to do about my finances and my working. My offline writing and the programme that I am doing, have all assisted me in being open enough to get where I am now, and I know that when I look back again, I shall know that this was the year that I turned an important corner.

Wonky affair

I know that I go back and forth with this issue. God, I know it. But today I feel the other way again, and I want to write it here and I want to do my best to make it permanent for me. Frequent flyers birthday was yesterday, and he had had a bad day, lots of work, and we still managed to chat. Fine. Then today he gives me all of the details of his upset. It turns out that he had planned on spending time with his kids and miscalculated his vacation, so naturally he is out of sorts. Ok...all normal, and I would feel frustrated about that too. Here's my thing, what the hell am I doing? This man sends me too many mixed or I would even say complicated signals, and I just think that I should continue to be his friend and NOT expect anything else from him. I will feel much more comfortable doing that, and NO, it is not because I am afraid of commitment. It is because I cannot for the life of me tell what the hell he wants? Nor do I believe that I should try to understand it either, at this time. When I was in my twenties dating my soon to be husband, my father used to tell us that one of us had to have their head on their shoulders. I now understand this fully. Sure it would be nice to have this man's love, affection and attention. But suppose he cannot actually deliver anything I would like? I already do not get to see him in person, we have a virtual friendship, and that is nice. But he takes it further. I cannot even get an opportunity to have a proper long assed conversation with him, where I can iron out some of my misgivings, because when I can, one of us usually does not have the time. This is all very frustrating to me. I do not think that it is worth it. He is looking more and more to me like a once upon a time....and could have been...but it isn't now ...kind of issue. It won't hurt to stay friends. After all, he has given me no real sign that he is pursuing me, not truly....it's not like he has gone out of his way to buy me a plane ticket or booked a romantic weekend to be with me. So, there you have it. That is how I feel about whatever the hell this thing professed to be. It isn't the first time that I have drawn a line. But god, I hope that it is the last time. I cannot keep getting thrown into his path all of the time, wanting to think that it is something that it isn't. Other than a horny friend needing comfort, and for that, I will have to draw the line at friend. No perks.

Back and forth and back again

My particular circumstances, divorce, the loss of my closest friend and the change of my way of life, I sometimes feel acutely. I am not always aware of how much I have adjusted my expectations. But yesterday and today, I saw that in my conversations with Mr.World traveller First of all, I contacted him and just needed to hear from him. I did not want to discuss what was bothering me at first. This is because in the past it would be my closest friend who would hear all about what was going on with me. It was so weird that it felt like I was taking a leap of faith to unburden myself to someone whom I consider a really dear friend. We talk about all sorts of things, so why not move right along? So imagine my delight when he decided not to have me type it all, but literally called me and looked at me face to face. I was so pleased. Then today, the tables were turned and he wanted to get some thoughts off his mind and he called me. We might be mirroring the other. I see now that we have lots of ambivalence about our lives. We get up every day with the best intentions. But there is so much more to say, so much unsaid. More and more he reaches out to me, as a real friend. I do not push him though, it is a sensitive thing, to know that you are doing so very much and yet, you do not feel that you are doing nearly enough. Sometimes he feels so very close to me, in a romantic way, and then at other times, I feel that to get remotely close like that is just not that important. It is an interesting place to be. It shows me that I really care about him. I am not about to behave rashly. I think that one thing that I must do is to decide once and for all what he actually means to me and just leave it at that.

Elephant in the room

Finally I was able to put a dent on the question that I have been wanting to ask Mr. World traveller. I need to come up with a nickname for him and stick to it. Anyway, we has our usual wonderful, friendly and a bit flirty talk on Skype. Then he did me something that threw me off. I probably do the same thing to, I know that I certainly have done it in the past, so I am conscious of it. He went from flirty to friendly. Suddenly he says something so cute and PC that I feel as though he has left me out in the cold with the sensual statements and just wants to pull back to being friends. Now I have no right being anxious about that because, as I stated before, I am the queen of ambivalence when it comes to such things. But now that I am having it done to me,my first thought and second thought is to pull way, way back and observe what is going on. Anyway, I kick down my inhibitions and I ask the important question and he gets right into answering me. What bothers me with this man is how long we have been dancing around our feelings. It has been years! Every time I think that there may be something, something comes up. This time around, I feel the way I did the last time. I feel that I should just give up on the whole thing. From the conversation that we had,I feel badly for him. He is still at the beginning of where I was five years ago. I think that there may be some hope yet for his situation, although he may not think so. As long as they are working out staying in the same place, raising their children, I think that they have a shot, and I am much, much happier knowing that he can be made happier and that things can work out for him, than what I would like to experience with him. This is simply age and reason talking. I have nothing to gain by pushing this situation in any way, so I think that I should just relegate myself to good friend again. After all, that is what I am, and really, with all that he has to do, that is actually what I do have, and it is a lot. So, hear I go again, shutting down something that he riled up...again. But I know that it is for the best.

Curious...

Yesterday I had been writing and also working feverishly on my computer on some work for a deadline, when out of the blue my overseas friend Skyped me a very long note. I was extremely surprised to see it and more so to read it. It was obviously filled with emotion. It was clear that he had taken some thought to put his feelings down. It actually made me get a bit choked up. He wanted me to know how much he values what we have. More and more I am finding that he is revealing a side of himself that is amazing me. I have known him for a decade and yet,he still manages to surprise me. I have come to my online diary tonight to try to work out some of my feelings about this man. When I read what he had written, it took me awhile to get passed the fact that it cluttered up my thoughts. I felt overwhelmed. Although he has said such things to me before, this time, his need to write it in such depth really affected me. I go back and forth about my feelings where he is concerned. I have planned on discussing my need to know what is happening with him before I invest another moment of feelings for him, but I have not been able to do this because we have not had an opportunity to really have a long chat about it. So, that decision being the case, the note really did a number on me. It got me all goggly eyed and soft hearted. Today though, I am back on the ball about what I want and what may or may not be going on with us. I really have to know whether he is moving on with his life or not. I cannot really react to his lovely words to me until I know once and for all, particularly because we keep building whatever this is into something more and then we have scheduling conflicts that prevent anything from happening. Anyway, if I am pragmatic, and if I look at this whole thing from a logical standpoint, I would say that all of this is happening as it should.

energy

There is something to be said about the day. It began one way and ended so unexpectedly. I do not know whether it is just a moment? If it is, I savor it. What a moment. After writing at length about my disappointment with my gentleman whom I shall now call frequent flyer because I forgot what I have called him before, I was so upset with him weeks ago, regarding the Skype conversation.
Then tonight, I was multi-tasking. I was online, on my I-Pad and had Fifty Shades Darker by E.L.James open while listening to music and lo and behold, I get a message from him.
I never expected the level of romanticism from this man. He had a whole fantasy planned out in his mind and he told me all about it. I could not believe it. He just let it all out, and I felt so awed by it all. it was delightful, delicious....I loved every moment of what he revealed to me.

My ex husband has let the other shoe drop. He has served me papers for full custody of our child. I half expected that he was up to something, but I had hoped that he would somehow see reason and use other tactics.Now that he has shown his hand, he now puts me in a position where this case will take up time and financial resources. He is basically being a nuisance. However, today is also the second anniversary of the death of my closest friend. For a moment that is much more important to think about. He has come to my thoughts as he has every day since his death. I miss my darling. I miss him very much.