two

So, after having a really positive outlook on life, it seemed to me that negative things just kept pounding me. Eventually I found that I only expected the worst. It takes an awful lot to be able to see the best when the proof always appears to be the opposite. I felt very skittish and distrustful of anything good happening for me.However, I have had a few things that have always worked in my favor. I have always had my tenacity, humor and creativity. I would say that that is a lot! Despite how I have felt, I see that I inspire people around me. I have been waiting to have what I believe should be some worldwide plan of action that should plow me to the top of the world.In fact, recently, I have noted that one or two things have come about and I have said to myself that I can get behind that and put out all of the stops...but then I have to pull back because they turn into lame ducks. My answer to myself today is that I should and I will make my daily life one triumphant move at a time because life is a miracle. What my friend talked with me about is the knowledge that I am not incapable of changing my situation, no matter how bleak it may appear. I can take my matter in hand and using the force of my will and ability to maneuver, I can turn things around.

one

Recently I did some work for a friend of mine and in return she answered a question that I had. She is a life coach and I felt that my ex had really seemed to be amping up his nasty behavior above and beyond my ability to move past it. I was feeling stumped by everything. I'd been offered a project, read the contract, negotiated a better figure, begun the project and bam...my payment was pushed back. I finished the project last week and as of today, i am still waiting to be paid. Then my other job is going on apace and I am yet to receive the contract for that, despite letters written and promises made. That, coupled with ill parents and visitors coming to look at work and then never returning, trying to get work back from a colleague who is just ignoring me and getting rejected for funding of my book project as well as no reply for support for my upcoming trip...well. it just seemed like a stack of negativity piling up endlessly. Something had to give. My friend basically let me know that I can trust mu instincts. Although, I still have one or two questions about what she told me. One of the people I admired deeply in the world was my mothers cousin. She seemed to let nothing phase her. She went from strength to strength. She had a few businesses, and she brought up my two cousins after she divorced their father and took on three of her brothers children without any help.She never gave up and she had the looks of a glamorous film actress, a great sense of humor, she was extremely artistic and creative and she was very self contained. After her husband, I do not recall any men in her life. I recall most of all her building her dream house and how beautiful it was, She had at least three courtyards with vines and spanish tiles, fraught iron grillwork sandlots of natural light peeking in.She was born in London and lived there most of her life, but she left and made the places she ended up living, her home with ease.Her sons, my cousins are remarkable men because she brought them up and gentle yet strong people. Auntie died under strange circumstances. We believe that she started a business with an investor who may have poisoned her. Waw...Yes, very dramatic story.My cousin only got vague information about her death from the person and when going through her personal effects saw discrepancies with her money. The person swindled her.One day I hope to get to the bottom of that story. So, back to my story...I feel as though I can look at myself for a moment as though I am observing from a great height. In doing so, I am not making a judgement, I am simply an observer. I can see where I have let my emotions run rings over my life. I see how I was brought up to think a certain way, and to let certain things affect me more than others. I see the person that I was being a complete stranger to me, and more than ever, I see myself through endless possibilities of the now. That is perhaps the greatest gift from these times. For ll the foot and hand tying going on as I do my best to move forward, I will not be swayed. I will persevere. This is the first part of this entry.

on another note

I had a very good day, thinking through my business plan today. it may be slow going, but it occupies my thoughts and every day I feel great when I am in that frame of mind. I admit that I am also a bit antsy about just starting anywhere. However, I like the process.

settling in between

Over the last few weeks, I have been through a number of family health scares, and it has changed my outlook on a number of things. I have to state that I am very grateful, as I believe that only going through what I did, could have created my mindset now. I had a great deal of skepticism about prayer. I was big on it as a child, and then as I got older, it seemed to only matter as a very last resort. Then I concluded that it was a good way to centre the mind and had meditative powers. But I didn't give it much appreciation until recently. In my family it is a relatively big deal for my mothers side of the family, and the women on my fathers side. Now, I find it very comforting to do. I won't say that I am suddenly great at it, but it has now become something I feel good about. Then the next thing, is the coming to terms with my ex-husband. I have been steadily doing it, but I would say that I should write that I have to put in writing, here online that I am letting everything go. I get into my mind and I dredge up our past whenever I have to communicate with him, and it drains me. I think that once and for all, I have to state some things to myself as a way to move on. One of the things that I have to conclude is that I know that the things I so desperately wanted to see changed for the better, I could not get. I could not get he and my parents to get along for example. Now, I have to turn that to me. Perhaps he just will never be my friend again. Perhaps, he will always have nothing but his present obvious contempt every time he has to deal with me. I need to not react to that. I react because it feels really awful to me still to think that he doesn't like me...which means that I clearly still hold him in greater regard than I hold my own feeling for myself. If I didn't then, what he may think should mean nothing to me, and I have yet to reach to a place where I can feel that in my heart. It sucks that I am writing that, but I am willing to bare my feelings about this as a way to get it out of me. He disappointed me, but I still carry the burden of wanting his regard! Waw! That is simply completely absurd, but that seems to be the case. I really put him up on a pedestal. Good god! Why did I have the need to worship anyone? My upbringing comes into this. I see my mother do that with my father and she is as attracted to my father for the same reasons I was attracted to my ex-husband. It has been ingrained in me to think that thats how it is. Yet, I push violently away from any man who tries to control me. So my instincts are not in alignment with my learning. I think that that may be my saving grace. I can find my way past my reactions of the past. I just need to acknowledge myself under all of the layers of perceived protection and living that I have done, where constant blaming of myself was in train. I am happy to write that stepping away from parental perception or ex-husband perception and finding my voice is the greatest thing I can do for myself, and what a damn relief at that.

wild optimism

For some time I have been searching for the opening to a more productive way to approach my challenges in my life. I have been very fortunate over the last few years to have been able to focus and meditate enough to realize that answers are all around me, if I take the time to look. Yet sometimes living gets in the way. Well today, I was buoyed up by one of my favorite Mentors. I visited him and as always, just the opportunity to sit with him, well, that made a world of difference. When you know that its the thinking, the planning and the knowing that you need to break out of whatever is holding you back...yet you feel paralyzed at the same time...it can be something else. It is so very true that you need to seek out alternatives...whether it be in a conversation or finding another path to get to somewhere you have to go...it is important to do whatever you can to get out of whatever rut keeps you rooted. Today I was able to do that. Today when we spoke, I discussed ideas. I felt such liberation, particularly because of the fact that everything I suggested and felt strongly about was met with encouragement. Nothing said faced some sort of negative reasoning. It was so refreshing. Also, when I left him and visited another friend, who was in doubt about all that I have found he has accomplished...I was able to return the favor. Then tonight I found this wonderful quote that I shall share here...

So much has gone on in the last two weeks that for the first time since my divorce, I for a moment wished that my ex husband could give me a hug. I don't know why him, but he came to mind. I suppose that I have been feeling really, really vulnerable lately. It has been a lot of turmoil and just faith keeping me going. But sometimes that is how it is. I am even too tired to really write. I just wanted to make a note here.

You have projected onto yourself a world of your own imagination, based on memories, on desires and fears, and you have imprisoned yourself in it. Break the spell and be free. Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj