settling in between

Over the last few weeks, I have been through a number of family health scares, and it has changed my outlook on a number of things. I have to state that I am very grateful, as I believe that only going through what I did, could have created my mindset now. I had a great deal of skepticism about prayer. I was big on it as a child, and then as I got older, it seemed to only matter as a very last resort. Then I concluded that it was a good way to centre the mind and had meditative powers. But I didn't give it much appreciation until recently. In my family it is a relatively big deal for my mothers side of the family, and the women on my fathers side. Now, I find it very comforting to do. I won't say that I am suddenly great at it, but it has now become something I feel good about. Then the next thing, is the coming to terms with my ex-husband. I have been steadily doing it, but I would say that I should write that I have to put in writing, here online that I am letting everything go. I get into my mind and I dredge up our past whenever I have to communicate with him, and it drains me. I think that once and for all, I have to state some things to myself as a way to move on. One of the things that I have to conclude is that I know that the things I so desperately wanted to see changed for the better, I could not get. I could not get he and my parents to get along for example. Now, I have to turn that to me. Perhaps he just will never be my friend again. Perhaps, he will always have nothing but his present obvious contempt every time he has to deal with me. I need to not react to that. I react because it feels really awful to me still to think that he doesn't like me...which means that I clearly still hold him in greater regard than I hold my own feeling for myself. If I didn't then, what he may think should mean nothing to me, and I have yet to reach to a place where I can feel that in my heart. It sucks that I am writing that, but I am willing to bare my feelings about this as a way to get it out of me. He disappointed me, but I still carry the burden of wanting his regard! Waw! That is simply completely absurd, but that seems to be the case. I really put him up on a pedestal. Good god! Why did I have the need to worship anyone? My upbringing comes into this. I see my mother do that with my father and she is as attracted to my father for the same reasons I was attracted to my ex-husband. It has been ingrained in me to think that thats how it is. Yet, I push violently away from any man who tries to control me. So my instincts are not in alignment with my learning. I think that that may be my saving grace. I can find my way past my reactions of the past. I just need to acknowledge myself under all of the layers of perceived protection and living that I have done, where constant blaming of myself was in train. I am happy to write that stepping away from parental perception or ex-husband perception and finding my voice is the greatest thing I can do for myself, and what a damn relief at that.