F*ck, yeh

Irreverent title, irreverent, intemperate, kick ass thought. Dream, and dream big! Expect what you want. Set up in your mind that it is already yours to have. Don't worry about how improbable it may be. Just believe it completely and let it go. What do you have to lose? It sure beats the alternative. The speculation, the dumbing yourself down.The hiding yourself away, making yourself small. I just looked at a short video on the contrast between North and South Korea. It looks like what I was just writing...on one side, people looking happy and free and the other side. completely regimented. So which one will it be? The red pill or the blue pill? When I do my yearly introspection, I always find that I should have had more fun and less worry.I berate myself for allowing my mind to be in a funk, doldrums...fear...you name it. Why did I obsess about this or that? Why didn't I shake it off and just go for the best thoughts! When I read biographies of Artists, Writers and other luminary people, I always wish that I could see and know more about their work. When I read about their struggles with their lives, it is their creations that move me. I think that I focus that way for my own sake as well.To me, the energy behind what you bring into existence is an amazing thing. When I travel, I look at people passing by. I get an inkling of who they are, or what they may be doing as a career. I wonder about whether their life is good for them? Are they at the peak of their lives? Or are they struggling? This year, I had moments where I vacillated between doing or not doing specific things. I really wanted an answer to shift that position I put myself in, as it was driving me a bit round the bend. Make up your goddamn mind! In the past I would make a list of pros and cons. But in this instance, the list was evenly wighted! Agh! I would talk myself into a no for a whole day, and then revert to a yes the next! Eventually, I decided to experiment with exploring the intentions behind no only and then yes only. It took a bit of time, but it was helpful to not stare down either position. I left the decision, being able to do so, and the oddest thing happened...I found that it was actually a question put to myself about my own strengths and challenges. It had to do with perception and belief that something can or cannot be done. Once I exploded such narrow viewpoints, I actually liberated myself to say no or yes with conviction.

expectations

When I was a child, I remember asking a favorite uncle for a rabbit. I think that I hassled him about it too. He was really sweet to me, but I didn't get the rabbit and when finally I realized that it may not happen, I remember that I told myself that perhaps asking for a pet when I never even took care of a fish, might be for the best. I remember that so vividly because I believe that ever since then, I have always had that attitude. I believe that I don't really bemoan what I cannot have. In high school I had a beautiful large sticker with the saying; "If you love something set it free...if it comes back it is yours. If it doesn't, then it never was." I used to get questioned on that sticker. People would know their heads and say, hmmm, deep. Lol. Sometimes it takes more than old habits or sayings to minimize disappointment or expectations. Here is where you bring out the big philosophical guns...It's not meant to be, or, It's for the best. You hope that that would calm and soothe your hurting, yearning heart. There is nothing for some unfulfilled desire. Affirmations, prayer, begging? This is just how it is. Hopefully something else will come along and take your mind off of whatever it is that made your heart race. Perhaps you may be fortunate and what you felt you wanted was nothing, next to what is coming your way. You tell yourself. But, why is it that reward is all that drives us? The search for constant gratification? We discourage our children from it, but we all secretly and not so secretly are impacted by it. Of course we all want nice things, nice experiences...n i c e. with all the horrors in the world, we desperately need a lot of nice. we 'deserve' to have it. It is so funny. It is as though every character trait we have as human beings can be turned on its head, negative. There is no winning with anything we do. Our lives are incremental moments of, nice. But, none of us would change a thing for it.

It has been a tumultuous year. When I state that, I must be careful of the word, as it can always become even greater than that in the future. However, it is the right word, as this year, it appeared as though in the lives of my family and those around me, nothing was as it seemed. Life happened, but somehow everything felt speeded up, closer to the surface. Personally, things that I took completely for granted as a matter of course, was no longer a matter of course. In fact it was as though I were experiencing an upside down world. Comfortable belief structures became incapable of holding. Even the weather has been challenging. Amidst all of this, is my ever increasing awareness of time and how fleeting life is. How much things change, and how much I do not hold the answers to the things I seek. I have been greatly humbled, like a Boxer, yet, I never felt prize fighting in nature. I have nonetheless felt successes along the way. What lays in wait for me? My family? Our future? By extension, all those I have touched and shall touch in the future? I remember more than a decade ago, I felt that perhaps there may be safety in not making any new acquaintance. Perhaps, I thought, it would shield me from the pain of loss. "When nothing is certain, Anything is possible." Is a saying I love. It has helped me through the years from when I first heard it. It is like the saying, " It is what it is." Such words formed in a sentence has had the power to quiet my anxious heart. This year, I have felt as though stark reality, like a bright light has been shone on my face, and I am squinting, because, there is unexpected raw drama, and it is not coming from the usual places, but concocted in the air. It is fate or some such thing that is testing in an undefinable way. So, I want to believe in what i have believed, but like a hurricane or a tornado, it has torn me away from my footing. I have been left discombobulated, giddy. I don't know what I am dealing with and I have to dig very, very deeply to find myself again. Yet, after so much violence, like the pressure to create a diamond, I have held glimpses of beauty. At least I have had moments within myself to capture it.

Lord have mercy

I have not been able to sign in to this blog for an age!SO much has happened. Most of all, I am relieved to finally be here. I shall just state this for now.

The worldwind feelings that just engulfed me was such that I had a choice to make. I loomed between acceptance and sentimentality. Eventually I decided that it made the most sense to allow my feelings to just happen. Trying to struggle between the two was tiresome and pointless, I was getting nowhere. I do not know what the future may hold. What I do know is what I hold in this moment. Usually I have wanted to be the person who stays in the mind. Now, I am the person whose mind is staying on a certain person. I was profoundly affected, and I have not known what to do with myself ever since. So, I have come to this blog as a way to make sense of my feelings. The ego is never cut and dried. It is known that the forbidden or the unavailable interests you more, and this may be all there is to my attitude right now. I acknowledge it completely. I have looked at things logically, and when I have, I can dismiss my sentimentality, but I have not been able to dismiss it out of hand. When someone says the things you have longed to hear, and they lavish the attention that you have not received,to me, that has been a powerful thing. I was affected. So much so, that I want to believe that we shall meet again, in a better place where the things said to me can be made true. They felt so sincere, that I would like them to be as they sounded to me. That is my human frailty speaking.That is my wanting closure. That is my wanting a happy ending. That is hope against all odds and that is clinging to an illusion, fully blown. The reality is that I have to leave well enough alone. The reality is that no news is good news and whatever I am being shielded from is a mercy. I have been left with the best of the person. I just do not know what to do with this energy. I feel it, and it engulfs me, and I don't know how to shut off what I was made to feel? Bob Marley has an excellent quote that their is no greater crime than to open a woman's heart only to play with it later. Yet, I have felt that I have had this happen to me over and over again.Perhaps I have been thinking about this all wrong. What am I to learn here? Prior to this ending, I struggled with the belief that I could have what I dearly wanted. I felt so wretched and undeserving, I knew that I had to do some serious work before I could relax in the knowledge that happiness has not eluded me. What I must do is to continue to put forth the best feelings about myself and know that love is not a booby prize and something that I cannot aquire. Everyone is allowed love...including, me.

two-clearing the dust

The constant demand for more,do more,give me more...I could not bear it anymore. I saw no need for a relationship. I concluded that I was better alone. I thought that all that would happen is that I would keep getting the same man in different guises. I was skeptical underneath all the hopes I had written about what I said so many times I wanted. I didn't actually believe that "he" existed. I have always said that I exist, so he is out there existing too. I do believe that. But that is not enough, the inner and outer must agree. Now, I understand. I get it. What I wanted, I had to give it to myself, and what I felt with him was a reflection of myself. That is why I believed that I had met 'the one," and perhaps I did meet him. He however had other plans. He also has no idea how much he has impacted my life. No idea at all. That is a bit jokey and a little sad in a way, that someone could do that and have no idea. All the things said was so beautiful,so fulfilling. So etched in promise. To have touched heaven was amazing. It was about acceptance of the person no matter what. It was willingness to come together and be "us.' Imagine, an US? I was not afraid to say us and we and yet I hadn't had to give up anything of myself because I was completely open. It was because I was made vulnerable, I could receive. WTF! That blew my mind. I had no fear. I had certainty. For all who have felt that, what a tremendous gift indeed.

Clearing the dust

It took some work, and I will not say that I am at 100% as yet, but I am getting there. Love is an extremely powerful force. I felt something so life changing in such a short time. It did not last, but it has changed the way I look at things, perhaps forever. I saw things about myself that I could not articulate any other way until that moment. I did not realize what an uphill battle I waged. I have had relationships in the past, very long relationships. But I didn't realize that somehow, I was never really in love? I was asked whether I would go to the 'jungle' with that person and I didn't hesitate. I had never been asked that before, but I have to admit that I would never answer yes to anyone before? How was this possible? What happened to suddenly make me react as I did? It was something that appears small, but it was deeply impactful. His simple act of giving felt so complete. It took me by surprise and it also unbalanced me. I could not believe that for once, someone was actually giving. Not taking. I had become so accustomed to the latter, that I didn't even know how to act. I was momentarily confused. My knee-jerk reaction was to offer a compromise, and the response at that time was, we have all the time in the world. It sounded like a luxurious statement. I don't want to get down from the cloud that I felt I was on. I continue to just want to describe how I felt. There was a sense of easy, of comfort. A feeling of knowing, and knowing the person as if forever. I also thought that my feelings were being mirrored, as though everything I was emoting, he was feeling it in the same way. It was singly the most profound adult experience of my life. It terrified and elated me at the same time. I saw myself as I always do, as separate and apart, yet also as a partner with this person. I felt as though I could do anything. Issues that had been annoying me and challenging me for ages, just slipped away, unobserved. I no longer felt stumped by anything I thought about that seemed a problem. Even in the face of his issues, I felt that I could and 'we' would meet the issues head on. I had no doubts at all. I knew that I and 'we' could just take things one step at a time.I also felt a deep desire to get to know him and let him know me through conversations that we would make time for. I felt so happy. Then, I was faced, like Icarus with a sudden realization that I was crashing to Earth. Very quickly the clouds parted and the earth no longer seemed friendly. I was coming into cold reality. I had to dig deep and look at all of the things I have told myself and agreed about and internalized. I got to this place with my eyes wide open. But I didn't know that I was still healing, and I certainly didn't know how much healing I needed...and as a saying I recently read goes, " Love doesn't find you a success, love finds you in a mess." Is so accurate. I fought very hard with my doubts to be able to feel happy. You see, not only had I not experienced love for real, I also hadn't experienced being fully accepted for all of me. When I thought about how could I have fallen so hard, so fast, and I knew that it was because he was so giving...the dam broke and I saw just how much I have given, and given and given in every relationship I have had. To the point where I hid a lot of myself. This is why The Towers's behavior was so intolerable for me. He was able to show me exactly what I did not and could not want. -end of part 1-