Clearing the dust

It took some work, and I will not say that I am at 100% as yet, but I am getting there. Love is an extremely powerful force. I felt something so life changing in such a short time. It did not last, but it has changed the way I look at things, perhaps forever. I saw things about myself that I could not articulate any other way until that moment. I did not realize what an uphill battle I waged. I have had relationships in the past, very long relationships. But I didn't realize that somehow, I was never really in love? I was asked whether I would go to the 'jungle' with that person and I didn't hesitate. I had never been asked that before, but I have to admit that I would never answer yes to anyone before? How was this possible? What happened to suddenly make me react as I did? It was something that appears small, but it was deeply impactful. His simple act of giving felt so complete. It took me by surprise and it also unbalanced me. I could not believe that for once, someone was actually giving. Not taking. I had become so accustomed to the latter, that I didn't even know how to act. I was momentarily confused. My knee-jerk reaction was to offer a compromise, and the response at that time was, we have all the time in the world. It sounded like a luxurious statement. I don't want to get down from the cloud that I felt I was on. I continue to just want to describe how I felt. There was a sense of easy, of comfort. A feeling of knowing, and knowing the person as if forever. I also thought that my feelings were being mirrored, as though everything I was emoting, he was feeling it in the same way. It was singly the most profound adult experience of my life. It terrified and elated me at the same time. I saw myself as I always do, as separate and apart, yet also as a partner with this person. I felt as though I could do anything. Issues that had been annoying me and challenging me for ages, just slipped away, unobserved. I no longer felt stumped by anything I thought about that seemed a problem. Even in the face of his issues, I felt that I could and 'we' would meet the issues head on. I had no doubts at all. I knew that I and 'we' could just take things one step at a time.I also felt a deep desire to get to know him and let him know me through conversations that we would make time for. I felt so happy. Then, I was faced, like Icarus with a sudden realization that I was crashing to Earth. Very quickly the clouds parted and the earth no longer seemed friendly. I was coming into cold reality. I had to dig deep and look at all of the things I have told myself and agreed about and internalized. I got to this place with my eyes wide open. But I didn't know that I was still healing, and I certainly didn't know how much healing I needed...and as a saying I recently read goes, " Love doesn't find you a success, love finds you in a mess." Is so accurate. I fought very hard with my doubts to be able to feel happy. You see, not only had I not experienced love for real, I also hadn't experienced being fully accepted for all of me. When I thought about how could I have fallen so hard, so fast, and I knew that it was because he was so giving...the dam broke and I saw just how much I have given, and given and given in every relationship I have had. To the point where I hid a lot of myself. This is why The Towers's behavior was so intolerable for me. He was able to show me exactly what I did not and could not want. -end of part 1-