Once more from Canada

There may be plenty to feel uncomfortable about. The sky insists you have a chance to escape playing a part in an old drama that keeps going 'round on the same old emotional treadmill. A constructive change has already begun.
~

I just thought that I would read what my sign said for today. If I didn't know better, I would say that this person were tailor making these snippets just for me.
I got a beautiful send off from Stephen and Ash, the owner of the college where I studied also sent me the kindest note. i was touched.
My time here has been much better than I could have foreseen.
I have learnt that everything is up to me. I can make 'it' if I try. I have felt more loved than alone. Missing my little one has been very hard and it has not been helped by the wrangling between my husband and myself. But, apart from that, I came here with an open mind, and I shall return with an open mind. I shall return. There is so much that i can do, that I do not feel discouraged. My education has been a big deal, and I plan to continue to learn. The beauty of the end of the year is that it always encourages a sense of looking foward.

A sense of looking forward is always an optimistic feeling.

I shall leave tonight with my heart quite full of all that I have experienced here, and I am greatful for everything that I have felt and done for 2007. I faced more challenges from 2006. But I now walk on knowing that challenges are just that, creative puzzles that enter your path. There is no wrong way, only ways. People in your life may see them as such, they shall come and go. You will face decisions and choices that give you pause. It is important to remember that life is about learning, having grace and a sense of the much bigger picture.
Ever since I started this blog, one of the things that stick out for me, is something I wrote about a month ago, about my husband and I standing at either ends of something we cannot see. That was very helpful somehow. it made me see that I was not hopeless or alone, or weak. Somehow the thought was comforting to know that what we stand in is beauty.

BEWARE:Poor girl status

This morning I thought about how everything has turned out, and I was wondering how I could make all of this work for me. What I mean specifically is that I was thinking that whatever I do must not be in reaction to his behavior. His decision to not pick me up at the airport is pretty devastating, and again, I find that it is always so easy for him to be unkind. That seems to come to him without effort.
My thoughts also ran to my own words over the years. Did I somehow cement these things into existance? Was I not kind, helpful and supportive? God, I hate all of this, I keep going over picked over territory again and again!
How can I get out of this? When will I feel good again? Also, is there a part of me that likes the drama, likes the attention and the ultimate poster party for 'Poor Girl' status?
My poor girl status VS his contolling dick-tator. (laugh)
What a pair we are indeed. Is that the game that we have played?

I can say that I am only doing what I am because of his actions. But suppose he does come to the airport and does drop me to my parents (after seeing our child) Or I stay at his mothers' that night and then go to my parents the next day?
That would make the situation a bit easier to take. But in a way it just postpones the inevitable issues.
But suppose he surprised me and behaved decently?
Then I would be softened into believing that we could work something out.
Can we?
If not for us, at least for our little one?
What more could I want or expect?
Actually I want alot more, much more.
The fact that I am returning to my country and I have nowhere to live and no job is an amazing feeling. I am oddly, not worried about any of that at all.
I have some new options, so I am not scared. I will do well, in Canada and at home. I will do well no matter where I am.
I think that I need to bring that same sort of conviction to my emotional life.

What is true?

Why is it that the things you worry about come to pass as though they are the only things that are true?
Although I am writing here to get my feelings out, and to assess myself and my issues, tonight, a pang of sadness hit me. I suppose it is also because I am having difficulty finishing my final assignment for my certificate and my internship assignment is going very slowly. On the one hand I am very optimistic and the other, concerned. That may be making everything stay in a neutral place.
What is bothering me too is that I have really given up.
I tried, I really did. I tried! It just was not enough, and I grieve for that.
It really hurts when you can do nothing about all of the feelings still inside you that are rejected. I am numb from the treatment, and numb from the shock, still! All these months later, I still manage to feel as though this happened yesterday.

returning

As the days count down to my return, a number of thoughts bombard me. I am already faced with my husband's adamant refusal to pick me up at the airport. So I will have to get a taxi to my mother-in-law's home. I would like to stay the night, but it is likely that she will have no room for me. If that is the case, I will then have to take another taxi to my parents house. Not the way I would like to spend my first day back in Trinidad, but that seems to be the way it shall go.
My parents are going to find the whole thing very suspicious, and I shall have to be very selective in what I say.
My husband shall possibly call me at their home, because even in his nest of bile, even he would not be able to withstand the curiosity about me and my plans, and his mother would tell him that I came to the house to see our child, and he will want to know what I may have told her.
He would call me and fish around with me about what my plans are. In this instance, the only meeting that he can factor on, apart from seeing me by chance at his mother, is the possibility of meeting me for my appointment that is the reason that I am in the country to begin with. But he won't want to do that, instead he will call me on the 11th or 12th and try to quiz me about how it went. That is three or four days into my arrival back. I should make it a point to not be home. Why be available to him at all?
The trip already sounds stressful, but this unfortunately is the result of the sort of decisions that have been forced upon me by circumstances. After three days, my parents will become bolder and ask me what is going on? They will also want to know why and when they can see their grand-child.By then I will possibly have to say that we are having some problems, but reveal as little as possible. To reveal alot is to be brow beaten and harassed into depression.
In my process to secure my well being, it is instances like the one stated above that I shall have to by steely about.They shall pry, poke and cajole. But it would be best for me to let them know that I am dealing with the situation and I need understanding and respect.
By the end of the week, my husband will see that I have not backed down about staying longer. By then he would have also heard that I visit our daughter every day. He may endeavour to stick around so that he can see me. Not because he cares, but because his curiosity would get the better of him. My concern is that I not take our child out of her comfortable environment too soon, for too long, so I shall not do anything dramatic in that first week.
If he makes it his business to see me at his mothers' he shall again try to talk to me about my actions being irresponsible and selfish and state it as the reason why we cannot reconcile. All of these threats shall sound very hollow in person, as we are now face to face. If he reveals our situation then, then I will be inclined to speak to his mother about what has gone on.
I expect that she already knows, but she will try to seem magnanimous and unaware. That aside, she would know in due course.
At this time as well, he may wise up and want to actually talk with me about our child's well being. He may not want to do this at his mothers' home. No matter, where ever he wants to talk, my views are the same. Do you want to work on the issues we have or not.
If he says no, then we have nothing to discuss other than filing for divorce and by then, I should know when my check shall be available to me, so that I can then say, well, I am waiting to collect my money in hand.He shall tell me that that is fine, but that I should not return to Canada with our child. He shall wrangle with me until he leaves for London if he can get away with it.
Meanwhile, i shall have childcare issues that he shall attempt to strong arm, blaming me for all of our problems as much as he can, with the greatest forceful tone he can muster.
I certainly am in for it. But I must persevere.
Obviously I can write this script.
I have to keep my goals clear. He shall try to make me look as bad as possible. But I cannot let him get to me.
My parents shall be chorusing, we told you so's. My mother-in-law shall feel torn between her son and her grandchild. He shall also accuse me of ruining the well devised plans he has for Canada.
It is then that I will have to trot out that none of this would have been the case if he had made different plans a year ago when he decided that he was not happy. Here are the consequences of that casual decision - not said to upset, just said to make him see how what he decided affected our lives.
All of this sounds like a plot from a slow French movie. The bottom line is that one of us has the time to sit the others actions out, and that person is me.

A sprinkling of an inkling

The last few days have been revelatory as well as consistantly challenging. My friend and I had a mamoth chat on the phone where I finally brought into the open the whole divorce talk that my husband continues to bandy about. The conversation was very helpful to me because with the pieces of the puzzle in place, I was able to make some firm judgements for myself. It also helped show the complexity of the matter at hand. But that being the case, the decision is actually quite straightforward.
One of the things Stephen asked me, was whether my husband and I are always so competative with each other. I had to think about that. The answer is yes, we actually are, and what for? That is the question.
Our arguments are always about who can outwhit whom. I have realised that he may have started out with the intentions of taking the high ground and wanted to come across as though he had come to terms with his decision, but of late, all of his actions have been as emotional as mine.There have been the calls and more calls.
I would be lying if I didn't think that this gives me hope. But because of my own views, that thought is only a sprinkling of an inkling signifying nothing.
There are two things to say now. It is either that we put this rubbish behind us and move together or we seperate. Those are the options. In the instance of the latter, I am free to take my time with returning. (All within reason of cause)
What my husband fails to see is that his divorce decision would force(or encourage) a greater understanding between us. One that we would have to build to make our child's life better anyway. We would have to forge a better relationship because the alternative would be completely unacceptable-at least to me!
So if he thinks that all he would be doing is picking her up and bringing her back and having a standing order at his bank going into an account for her, he is wrong. He shall have to learn to communicate with me in a mutually amicable way.
I think that it is possible that he may feel a relief when he thinks of seperating because of all of the stresses that we both have been under. It has been hard on the both of us. It is a shame that we could not have gone another way. It would have been so simple to nurture instead of tear down. I am sad about that.
Running from what you perceive as stress is actually running from life in a way. I am still left with questions when I think of his revelation.
Yet, I also continue to feel in my gut that this is NOT about me at all. I am just the fallout of a bigger issue that has everything to do with him.