This morning I thought about how everything has turned out, and I was wondering how I could make all of this work for me. What I mean specifically is that I was thinking that whatever I do must not be in reaction to his behavior. His decision to not pick me up at the airport is pretty devastating, and again, I find that it is always so easy for him to be unkind. That seems to come to him without effort.
My thoughts also ran to my own words over the years. Did I somehow cement these things into existance? Was I not kind, helpful and supportive? God, I hate all of this, I keep going over picked over territory again and again!
How can I get out of this? When will I feel good again? Also, is there a part of me that likes the drama, likes the attention and the ultimate poster party for 'Poor Girl' status?
My poor girl status VS his contolling dick-tator. (laugh)
What a pair we are indeed. Is that the game that we have played?
I can say that I am only doing what I am because of his actions. But suppose he does come to the airport and does drop me to my parents (after seeing our child) Or I stay at his mothers' that night and then go to my parents the next day?
That would make the situation a bit easier to take. But in a way it just postpones the inevitable issues.
But suppose he surprised me and behaved decently?
Then I would be softened into believing that we could work something out.
Can we?
If not for us, at least for our little one?
What more could I want or expect?
Actually I want alot more, much more.
The fact that I am returning to my country and I have nowhere to live and no job is an amazing feeling. I am oddly, not worried about any of that at all.
I have some new options, so I am not scared. I will do well, in Canada and at home. I will do well no matter where I am.
I think that I need to bring that same sort of conviction to my emotional life.
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