curioser...is life

A few weeks ago I heard from someone whom I have very strong feelings for. I had thought that it may be the start of something very sweet for me. Then, to my surprise, it just did not go as I had hoped.
Yes, the feelings are there, but the will, is not.
It has left me with something that I knew from the start, yet felt a sort of quixotic sense about...it may even also be within me.
On the one hand, you can feel so deeply about a person...yet hold yourself in because the time is just not right.
Then, because you make the choice to not act, you are forced to look at the thing more seriously, you conclude that it is all about you, and you put those feelings away very carefully.
Then one day you are released, unexpectedly and they find you again. You give yourself the permission to dream, but still, you do not dream too much, for the fact that you concluded the last time that it was always about you. Yet, there is that internal smile. Should you hope?
So the game begins, and somehow you are not ready to show all of your cards until you know for sure. The trouble is, they feel the same.
Stalemate.
You have to push past, and you do and then they tell you what you knew before...they can't. They just can't.
It doesn't matter why not.
Thank god that you know that it isn't about you at all. It is about where they are, and what they just simply cannot seem to see.
~

What did I learn?

We say that we want certain things in our lives, we want them so badly that we can feel and see these things before our eyes. Yet there are also those who see as plainly and are too afraid. They are afraid for whatever reason that may be, and there is nothing that can be done for it.
I saw that the first time, and the irony was that I felt that I was the one with so much more to lose.
But I felt it, I saw how afraid happiness felt had left him so vulnerable.

So I thanked him in my note and quickly got into another type of discussion. One where I offered my friendship instead.

I will always remember what if... I shall smile, and I shall remember what I meant to him and he to me.
He is part of my growth as a person.
I will also say this, this then means that whomever the person shall be...what a thing, I know that I shall look on with justified amazement at the beauty.

what I have learnt so far

A few days ago I got an epiphany as I looked at the picture of some old friends who are happily married and expecting their first child. Naturally I was struck by the pure joy and pride in their faces. I then found my mind wondering to whether I was ever that happy? It took no time for me to be able to recite the list of things that went wrong in my own relationship.
Then it happened, I saw what it was that I felt, saw and knew to be the answer, and it was the oldest cliche in the book...L O V E

That realization struck me so strongly that it went into the next day. I found that I was able to look at the day from that place, and the day was just better for it.

I do not know whether that can be something that I can sustain, or should sustain every day. But I can certainly try.

Grateful

I am grateful for life,
grateful for the hugs of my little one
her smile, her cries, her no! I will not.

I am grateful for my work,
my energy,
my experience.
My plans
my dreams

my future before me...

I am grateful to have known real love
when it felt so strong that I felt that I needed nothing more in my life

I am grateful that I have more feelings of happiness than sad

I am grateful for my family and friends

I am grateful for myself as my first friend

It is so easy to forget just how much more there is to be happy and moreso
thankful for.

thankful

full

fullfilled.

grateful.

and further more.....

Today I also felt very sad about my marriage. I am not the first woman to have this happen to her. I should know that feeling sad about this is not unusual or unexpected. Yet whenever I feel this way, I feel embarressed and upset about it. I cannot seem to get past the fact that from time to time it shall feel as though I have not managed to move past the emotions.

I should take a good look at that. It was traumatic, so what do you expect.

It was traumatic!

There, you said it.

A trauma is a trauma. You will find it difficult to transcend just like that. it takes councelling. it takes time. it takes a conscious observation of what it makes you feel. It isn't something that you get over in a weekend.
Perhaps I need to speak with a professional too?

money,money, money

I had a money moment today that I have to unravel and solve here, once and for all. I have found that I am worried about money in an unhealthy, unrealistic way. On the one hand, my concerns are reasonable, in that, I know how much I spend monthly, and I know where my taste is extravagent...I prefer buying cauliflower from America than the local type because I eat it raw, for example.
I just got a part time job and I am very sensitive about my savings after spending a great deal of it on survival over the last year and a half.
Why I feel this way, has to do with something that I want to buy for myself. The item is something that I have wanted for three years, that the designer has made especially for me. It cost a bit more than I expected. In fact it cost twice what I was expecting and I was surprised. I wondered whether it was too much, and I should nix getting it after all.
I reminded myself that I am working on a number of things that shall bring in money for myself, and that I should not be afraid to buy things.
I suppose that what I am saying is that I am concerned about going below my limit for how much further I want to dip into my savings. I know that I shall be able to go in the other direction in a few months, that of putting money back into my account instead of spending from it.
i can very proudly say that I have not touched my credit card since I decided not to, since May. I have the disciplne. I have never really been ridiculous with money. It is just that this is the first time that I am in this particular position as mother, divorcee, part-time worker and full time artist. So I am mindful of what I want to achieve and what is happening.
This has nothing to do with the world financial crisis, as I know from experiencing recessions, that money can still be made. It is a matter of creative will to see things from a position of abundance no matter what the perceived outcome around you.
I think that I simply needed to write down my concerns. Now that I have, I feel alot better.
My intentions are still sound, as money comes in, as much of that that I can afford to put back towards my savings, I will.
I have also decided that I shall hold off on putting money into a money market account until I can hear a bit more about what is happening with such investments here, and the world stock exchange settles down.
I was feeling as though I am spending, spending, spending and not seeing savings. That was my concern. But I must remind myself that earning and saving is very much in my ability to do. i can do it, and I will do it. So there is nothing to fear.
My ability has helped me to survive through a divorce. My good financial planning has helped me through the last two years. I have alot to be proud of in myself.

Something I said to a friend of mine today has resonated with me, for me.

Life is an illusion, so you better make your illusion good for you.

Sometimes I think that it takes so long to learn what is necessary, that by the time the information comes, it may be too late. But I also know better. If you really want certain things in your life, you set them out mentally first.
We had a really good talk. We had not had a true heart to heart in some time. We have both been extremely busy, and although we try to talk every few days, sometimes things get the better of us.

The world is still good

In many ways, since I was a child, I have found that as I got older, many aspects of life seemed to get worse. I remember very, very little crime on my island. I remember feeling very safe to play outside.
The economic downturn has made me look at what has been good about the world, and the sense of entitlement that most of us feel. Thinking differently has met us and we cannot turn back to old ways anymore.
What would have happened if most of us were happy with the first cellphone model, or the first computer? Naturally we all want to do better, look better, get better. No one can put the Genie back in the bottle. But I could not help but wonder about the things that one thinks is needed to have a good life.
When I was in my twenties, I made a list of the things that I would need to have my own home. If I made a list of twenty things, eighteen of them were appliances and high technology. I remember being quite stunned about that.
I remember looking at the list and finding it very unfortunate that after a bed, chairs,stove, everything else looked like things you could not do without...yet once, obviously, we did do without.
I think that it was then that I began to look at all of the consumer things that we all feel we just must have! We must have them, now!
This year I looked at my own money, realising more acutely that you must put a price on how much you spend in a month, months and a year. Then you look at it all over again in another year. You find yourself spending much more than you realise, and you feel bad when you decide not to buy that magazine, but you go ahead and buy the dress.
Also, you can spend your money much faster then you can make it last, if you do not become cognizant that.
But as I stated before, I have been looking at life a bit differently lately. You want certain things, and ultimately you want to be happy.
But you know that being happy isn't necessarily about money. It is giving my little one a piggy back, or walking with her in the garden. That makes me very happy.
Happy is knowing that I can have a lovely house, but filling it with the laughter of friends makes it a home.
So much happiness gets compromised because of all the work to get the time to 'be' happy.
When do we finally get off the treadmill?
What do we really want?
Do we even understand it when we get it?
This was my problem with my ex-husband. I found that he never seemed to exhale and be happy. he was always finding something worthy of delaying satisfaction for. He claimed that he was happy, until that fateful day when he finally looked at me and said that he was unhappy.
I look at people in their cars, and walking with their children or lovers, and what is this world? What is this life? So much of it is routine and what do we really think we feel, or want to feel?
What is happiness when that day lasts and lasts for more than a few hours?
I want to come back to this thought again very soon. I have much more to say, but for now, I shall end here.

LOVE is the answer


Last night, the third debate between Senator Obama and Senator McCain had an unexpected energizing effect on me. The words of Senator Obama, the confidence he expoused to the American people, made me think and moreso, see that confidence is a large part of being able to move forward in uncertain times.
You do need to rally people around you who are of like mind, and with cold, hard facts and a bit of creative thinking and determination, you can actually see your way.
This morning, my plans have more certainty for me. I have marked 2012 as the date for me to have the home that I want. That date has actually helped me to feel an optimism that was not there before. I can now plan with much more certainty. I can get a sense of what it would cost, icluding the fact that I also need a car. A number of things have actually now alighned themselves in a way that i do not feel anxious about them. In the past I would have started putting down in my mind a number of possible road blocks on my way to my goal. But now, I can think about my plans without sabotaging them.
Lately I find that I have been looking more analytically at the challenges that come to me, from the standpoint of "what is the blessing here?" How can this moment that appears negative be actually beneficial for me?
Doing that helps put many things into a better perspective and reminds me not to take life too seriously. There is so much more to be thankful for than not, that it would be extremely stupid to spend my life wishing I could have done better, when better is a day to day process.
I feel alot of love.

my own take on my finances

When I was leaving high school for the real world of work, there was a recession. Then when I was leaving college for the real world of work, there was another one. You never forget them. In fact they unwittingly inform your life forever.
It makes you very cautious. It also makes you feel that when there is money, that you have some entitlements. So you have the tendency to say that you want some things like a spoilt child.

In my life, I have lived with my parents more than once. I was thinking about that last night. I have been in situations where I have had no job, and had to rely on others.
I realise that I have spent much of my adult life not expecting much for my effort because of the financial challenges that I have faced. I have been on the ground floor with businesses where I did not see a profit.
Now, I have been reading about money much more over the last few years, and I have seen my investments work for me during my divorce. So I know that I am a very good saver, and I can make things happen for myself.

I have come a long way from feeling that I would not have anything, to doing very well, to starting over. I have been able to look at money differently, and it took some doing. But I was able to do it.
Today I make plans and I make arrangements for where my money should go on a consistent basis. I read the fine print and I ask the relevant questions.
Before I had to spend my money on a lawyer and on relocating, I had planned on shifting some of my diversified portfolio. All of my money can be tapped at a moments notice.
Today, my money isn't what it was at the beginning of the year, but I have a plan of action about it in the next several months and years to come.

One very good thing is that I do not have very pressing needs. One cannot avoid spending money, and I know that my tastes can be high where food is concerned. I spend on that, and on my little one.
Of course I think about getting a car and having a house, and I am looking at what those things shall cost me.
I am also looking at other ways to make money too, so that saving can be accelerated.
Overall, I am being proactive and thinking about how to make things happen for myself, and I know that this is a long distance race and not a sprint finish.
I have a good attitude about it all, and ultimately I am doing everything that I am doing for my daughter to be comfortable in her life, with comfort in mine as well.

In the next few months I shall be looking at ways to invest a little bit of my money, say ten thousand dollars, diversified in a few high yeild funds. Funds that may now have to adjust themselves because of the world economic crisis.
I had thought that I should have invested at the time that I got a small windfall of money, but now I think that I was very fortunate to not have done that as yet, and instead done some homework on all of the funds.
Now that no one knows where the bottom is, and we are unsure about what will happen next, it is important to have some patience.

The financial global crisis is so unfathomable, and is imploding so fast that from one moment to the next , it is difficult to know just how to react to it. Every hour CNN keeps reporting another meltdown.

Yet, this is also a time, as someone on BBC radio put it, to...

* have your wits about you.

*project an air of strength

* be able to project a sense of confidence and an understanding that "this too shall pass"

* Act decisively

I was very happy to hear that. It is also a guide for life. It is inaction, panic, fear and rage that keeps you stuck when everything seems to be careening out of wack. It is so necessary to see it for what it is, even if it is happening to you very directly and you do not know what to do. You have to find it inside yourself to know with certainty that you can and will go on.

What is difficult is getting past the raw feelings that take you into a whirlwind of emotions. You feel stuck, you fel paralyzed to act. Then when you do, you feel out of control and scared to make mistakes, so then you do exactly that.

This is important to know how to really act, because these things come at you when you expect it least.

now that the time has come for seduction~

Now that the time has come for seduction, I am shy. After so many, many years with one person, the interest of another leaves me in a fret of emotion.
Yet what a change from sad, hurt and angry.

sweet seduction

I got a blast from the past yesterday, and I am mulling over how to respond to it.

It is always lovely to be part of a seductive sparing, and that is what I am looking forward to~
and this person certainly is a master of the art.

When my ex came to collect our child today, I felt myself go into a bit of a funk. Of course I knew he would come, and of course he has all right. But I still felt upset. I decided to sit with the feeling, something that I am doing more and more and finding it very good to do.

When I did this, I focused on his personality, and that was very helpful. It made me see that his behaviour is a-typical, and it is foolish to react to something that I should expect.

I was very satisfied that what could have gone on and on, as a dull ache, was something tht I could instead feel, acknowledge and move past quickly.

Just feel

Yesterday my mother was very rude to me and I had an unusual reaction to what she said. First of all, I did not take what she said very seriously. She was being deliberately nasty. To me, this came out of nowhere. One moment she was talking normally, the next, she was venting at me.
But what made this moment different, was that I saw it not only from the outside, looking in, but also from the place of the hurt itself.
I decided to feel the pain, to observe it, as though it were an object.
In doing so, I felt what I was observing (abstractly) was to feel the word HURT,and it proved to be a funny thing.
When you confront it, it becomes less about the feeling you think it is. In fact, in a way, it is not a real feeling at all, but an action.
So I studied what it was I was experiencing, and I decided, and this is the key thing, I chose to just allow the feeling it's moment.

For me that was big. I have a tendency to feel emotional. I seem to take things personally a lot, and I am quite fed up with myself for that. I am hurt, and I am upset, and i feel wronged and I am shocked and I, and I and I...please, get over yourself already!

So, the ability to take myself out of the argument and to decide that the hurt was just an identifyer for the moment, was without question, huge for me.
To call the word, an action, I was then able to choose a different response for myself. I no longer then said (I feel hurt) instead I saw, hurt in action, and thus, something that appeared, was present and would dissipate shortly.

So, I literally gave the word it's (attention) like a fish might observe a human being swimming around in its natural habitat. There is a bit of detatchment, and no real meaning given to it, and guess what....the sting is removed completely!

Can I do this every time? i do not know, but it felt very liberating to be able to think this way.

Seeing that love is real


Looking at the vice presidential debate tonight, and going back and forth between rooms, putting my little one to sleep...the world has been so topsy-turvy this year! So much has gone on for me, for it seems everyone I know! Yet, with a possible world recession that may be on par with saying World War III, I stand, at least at this moment in a moment of perfect peace.

I can say this definitively because I feel the loving arms of my darling girl.

It is not a small thing.

It is a huge thing.

I want to honor her in my small way, here in this blog.

There are so many things that cause one's head to dramatically turn in every direction, wondering what is real, what is best? What to do?

Then my girl says to me, Mummy, sit here and I will sit here, and she wants us to just enjoy the wind and the chairs and the stillness, and I am reminded that I have not lost love but gained it...but, guess what, I also have it always.