curioser...is life
A few weeks ago I heard from someone whom I have very strong feelings for. I had thought that it may be the start of something very sweet for me. Then, to my surprise, it just did not go as I had hoped.
Yes, the feelings are there, but the will, is not.
It has left me with something that I knew from the start, yet felt a sort of quixotic sense about...it may even also be within me.
On the one hand, you can feel so deeply about a person...yet hold yourself in because the time is just not right.
Then, because you make the choice to not act, you are forced to look at the thing more seriously, you conclude that it is all about you, and you put those feelings away very carefully.
Then one day you are released, unexpectedly and they find you again. You give yourself the permission to dream, but still, you do not dream too much, for the fact that you concluded the last time that it was always about you. Yet, there is that internal smile. Should you hope?
So the game begins, and somehow you are not ready to show all of your cards until you know for sure. The trouble is, they feel the same.
Stalemate.
You have to push past, and you do and then they tell you what you knew before...they can't. They just can't.
It doesn't matter why not.
Thank god that you know that it isn't about you at all. It is about where they are, and what they just simply cannot seem to see.
~
What did I learn?
We say that we want certain things in our lives, we want them so badly that we can feel and see these things before our eyes. Yet there are also those who see as plainly and are too afraid. They are afraid for whatever reason that may be, and there is nothing that can be done for it.
I saw that the first time, and the irony was that I felt that I was the one with so much more to lose.
But I felt it, I saw how afraid happiness felt had left him so vulnerable.
So I thanked him in my note and quickly got into another type of discussion. One where I offered my friendship instead.
I will always remember what if... I shall smile, and I shall remember what I meant to him and he to me.
He is part of my growth as a person.
I will also say this, this then means that whomever the person shall be...what a thing, I know that I shall look on with justified amazement at the beauty.
Friday, October 31, 2008
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