what joy would look like

This morning I saw a lovely site where the designer used African motifs. So many elements were generously designed in terms of shape,structure and materials. I have looked at it several times. This work made me fantasize about a whole house where these chairs, daybed,couches and tables would find a home.
A few years ago, MTV Cribs showed the Jamaican home of Naomi Campell. This was a series of modules off of a waterfront view that in itself was spectacular. What was so lovely about that was that each space was quite self contained. So you walk into a space where the bed is the focal point. There is a patio outside the room, so you feel a sense of indoor/outdoor luxury.
Another caribbean space I have loved, is the home of the photographer Patrick Demachievalier in Martinique. He has a casement house and the architect had the presence of mind and sensitivity to connect each case with landings, so again you have self contained spaces onto themselves. Images like that seem to feed my soul.
There was an article in Town and Country magazine of a European woman and her Chinese husband. They had the traditional Chinese house where the rooms open out to a central courtyard. I have also loved the look of Moroccan houses that also open out to courtyards and ultimately there is my deep love of Japanese minimalism.
Houses that work with the environment interest me, and as I am aware more and more of the need to have my own space, I wonder how to go about making this a reality.
I would like to have many things in the house that are hand made and artistically designed. From the drain catchers to the structures of the tables, chairs and bed, I would love a place that feels organic and beautiful, and writing about it makes me feel optimistic about it all.

ex[ansion of spirit

Will this entry sound like a bunch of babbling? Maybe, because what I have to write may sound trite and also obscure, but that doesn't matter. I was listening to my thoughts bounce around tonight, now that my ex-husband is back in the country. I had some email to send, so I ended up on Facebook sending some mail there too, and I was thinking about what I had said about that other artist several months ago. The one who seems to be living the type of life that I would like.
It suddenly dawned on me that I have to just live that life every day. Live my life like I mean it. Really keep my focus on my highest good as much as possible. I realize that I feel better when I do, and when I don't, I am aware that I am not. I am also cognizant of the fact that down times are not cause for too much concern. They allow me to take my emotional temperature and to adjust whatever negative mindset is gumming up my consciousness.
In some ways, I am so slow in getting to the right actions. But I am really trying to be a better person.
So what would having the life I want actually look like? I always jump instantly to thoughts of traveling. I think of a living space next where there is a great space to work and for my child to enjoy her life.
Today we had another wonderful day. She took me for a walk to the river,she said Mummy, I want to go, and she literally took the lead.
I love when my nearly three year old reminds me of what matters. She does this all of the time, with humor and observations, and I thank her so much.
I have felt so much that I made a very big mistake with my finances, and I get very upset about it. But then, I move out of myself and I also project forward and remind myself that my best is ahead of me, and I am working towards it.
This year marks ten years since my first show, and a friend suggested that I have a retrospective. That is a brilliant idea.
There is so much I want to do. I'd like to do a number of sculptural works and environmental works. I'd like to do books, from adult pop-ups to texts for colleges. I'd like to earn an Academy Award for some form of design. The sky is the limit.
When I think on these things, I feel such an expansion of spirit. It is like an oasis in a parched land.
When I feel like this, I can even see my ex-husband from an elevated space, where I know that keeping to the high road will insulate me from stress and pettiness. He said to me back then that it was not personal, and I can have that feeling when I think of his intended moves, now that he is back.
I think that not focusing on him, as I had done for many, many years, and finally learning to focus on myself and what I require, has been deeply liberating.
Not caring what he thinks and giving it precedence over my own well being! Waw, the shoe has certainly dropped. The scales are off my eyes.
It is now, so not about him, that my language has changed. I look ahead with my child's hand firmly in mine as we move forward together.

Part of me felt that I should not write this post to put any energy into the call that I got today. But my phone isn't ringing loudly, so I never heard the call, so he left a message.
He's back. I knew that he would be, but I had also hoped that he would stick it out in the place that he broke apart everything he alledgedly believed in, to chase a vague dream.
Now he is back and expects that things shall be as they were before he left three months ago.
Oddly enough my little one and I discussed him last night. I had a strange feeling that he was nearby, and I said a little prayer. Actually as I write this, I think that I should begin to teach my little one to pray. It is just a calming thing to learn.
He sounded no different than he did before he left, much to my disappointment. But the good thing with this call, is that it shows me my continued growth. I am not moved by his call, I have my next and future moves in place, and that is very uplifting to me.

Brand New Day

If personal guardian angels exist, mine must be so patient with me. Yesterday I went to a show of someone working in similar materials as myself.I was sensitive because I had asked that same gallery for a show and they never responded to my request.
She on the other hand,managed to sell her work, and just as had happened with the other artist last year, this artist has made me see things from another place, in other words, has taught me something that I needed to learn.
I have been bellyaching about not getting shown,yadda,yadda,yadda...today I woke up and the answer for myself,what am I not doing for my own wellbeing?
I had to literally listen to myself, and I got some interesting findings, these findings had to do with what is called my own inner scumbag.
I didn't realise that that was factoring into my life so strongly.
It suddenly occured to me, I am saying that this and that are obstacles. Yet,there is only so much information to proove that. No one is saying to my face, you cannot do so and so. They are just not responding. So what about what I can control? My own attitude, is it sound, is it healthy? It was then that I found a tiny self sabotaging voice that was expectant of the difficulties.
As is inclined to happen, this voice was not loud and clear.Instead it was subtle and underlying.
It was so sublte that I am inclined to believe that it works without my cognitive awareness on occassion! I took this to heart today, and I concluded that I had to forgive myself for my self-sabotage or self-pity.
I think that this is a huge breakthrough for me to come to terms with that.

I took a look at the Facebook page of an aquaintance today, and this person is doing alot of dynamic things. I feel as though I am standing still. But it was not looking at what is going on with that person that did it, but the suggestion last week of a friend. She wanted to know whether I would have liked to take my little one and go with her for the long Easter weekend to Tobago.
On the face of it, saying no is the expected response because she'll be there with her boyfriend and kids, and I do not feel totally comfortable with that arrangement.
However, it begged the question, what's happening with your life?
When was the last time that you went out just for pleasure?
I do not go out for pleasure. I go out for work, or to the lawyers office! My God, when did that start being my life?
As I looked at this person's pictures, I did not feel jealous, but I did feel stagnated in my own life. Maybe it is because there is so much tension right now, where everything feels so uncertain, and plans are not panning out as they should? But no, the real question is before me, what am I doing with my life is very real.
I have not had one day for myself where I just spend it on me, and take myself on a date. I just have never done that.
When I was speaking with my friend in India, I saw that I was beginning to open up to another, more fun side of myself, and when that communication uncerimoniously ended, I stopped pursuing some of those thoughts. But also, the loss of my computer and digital camera and other belongings didn't make it any better either.
I have to begin to see what I want for myself right now. How can I start to make things better for myself in my emotional life? What would it take? it is probably why it is so easy to find myself falling back ever so often into what ifs, and how am I going to manage?
There is another me, a really powerful me, a me who has the get up and go, and if I am not careful, she will get up and go without me.