I took a look at the Facebook page of an aquaintance today, and this person is doing alot of dynamic things. I feel as though I am standing still. But it was not looking at what is going on with that person that did it, but the suggestion last week of a friend. She wanted to know whether I would have liked to take my little one and go with her for the long Easter weekend to Tobago.
On the face of it, saying no is the expected response because she'll be there with her boyfriend and kids, and I do not feel totally comfortable with that arrangement.
However, it begged the question, what's happening with your life?
When was the last time that you went out just for pleasure?
I do not go out for pleasure. I go out for work, or to the lawyers office! My God, when did that start being my life?
As I looked at this person's pictures, I did not feel jealous, but I did feel stagnated in my own life. Maybe it is because there is so much tension right now, where everything feels so uncertain, and plans are not panning out as they should? But no, the real question is before me, what am I doing with my life is very real.
I have not had one day for myself where I just spend it on me, and take myself on a date. I just have never done that.
When I was speaking with my friend in India, I saw that I was beginning to open up to another, more fun side of myself, and when that communication uncerimoniously ended, I stopped pursuing some of those thoughts. But also, the loss of my computer and digital camera and other belongings didn't make it any better either.
I have to begin to see what I want for myself right now. How can I start to make things better for myself in my emotional life? What would it take? it is probably why it is so easy to find myself falling back ever so often into what ifs, and how am I going to manage?
There is another me, a really powerful me, a me who has the get up and go, and if I am not careful, she will get up and go without me.