Interesting

When it rains it pours. Between yesterday and today I have received much attention. One is a surprise but in another way, both were expected, it just had to do with timing. The greater question for me is whether I am calling these things to me? I think probably. But, what is the outcome to be? I went to visit my ex's house and I was really moved by all that he has managed to accomplish. He is a bit bitter because he is most likely not going to get to live in it again very soon, when he moves out all together. He showed me all that he had put into it, and the sort of decisions he had made when they first bought the property. I made him aware that he can do even better and create something even more amazing.
I have been writing about him a great deal, and I have gone against my word a hundred times where he is concerned. It is as though part of me is more curious than prudent and I just want to feel something different sometimes. But it is more than that. I genuinely care about him. So imagine my surprise when everything goes pear shaped with him? Somehow, he gets performance anxiety and the whole thing feels just awkward and sad.
Then today, my new friend, whom I have been chatting with for several months now has sort of made his interest known and then acted upon it. I shudder to think the number or millions on people on Skype who have used it for all types of foreplay!
What all of this is making me wonder, is what am I going to do? What exactly is going to happen? I did not expect all of this in this way.
My ex lives here, so he is the most immediate person. But unlike my friends, I do not have an active sex life. In fact I could still say, what sex life? At my age, I am sort of set in my ways. Wondering what all of this means now? It feels strange because it has been so very, very long.

So, we are standing there kissing and slowly taking the clothing of the other off, and we spy the bathroom. He steps away from me, and as though we have been together forever, he looks around for towels and I scout for soaps and body scrubs. We kiss again and we go exploring the bathroom, that turns out to have a sunken tub and as the water quickly fills up, w
I sit at the tub and he slowly undressed further, before me.
My heart is in my throat as he does this, because he is indeed a walking Popsicle. I want to devour him instantly.
But instead I stand and do my own striptease and as I get down to removing my bra, and just standing there in my lacy panties, I hear him expel his breath, saying to me, I didn't realize that I was holding my breath and then you go and take it completely away from me.
I blush and he kisses me again as we step into the wonderful, warm water.
..............
He has his strong hands in my hair and pushes my head back slightly as he takes my mouth again. He feels so hard all over and I am shivering with delight.
He moved one hand behind me and reaches for the liquid soap and it slides down our stomachs and as we move closer, the lather foams up and smells of roses and lavender. He bends slightly and licks my now taught nipple and sucks on it and as he does this, caressing my breast, I moan into his mouth. This is an amazing feeling as his cock begins to strain against by stomach, I reach down to touch his beautiful length and he let's out a low guttural moan of delight. He turns me around under the warm sorry and caresses my breasts and down my stomach to the heat between my legs, that he parts and caresses with assurance as he leans my head back and kisses me deeply again, pushing his erection against my ass, getting me very turned on.
I lean forward and his hands caress my ass then and he kisses down my back and kneels and takes my warm, wet centre into his mouth, licking me to perfection, then placing his finger over my clit and lovingly rubbing it. I cannot believe how skilled he is, and I am very vocally moaning and pushing myself against him.
He stands again and bends me over, entering me with such thoroughness that we both moan loudly, his hands over my breasts again and his mouth on mine as I tilt up, greedily wanting to feel him in every way.
We both keep moaning from deep in our throats and I feel his body tightening around me as he whispers to me that he is fuming for me so hard, and then I hear him give a loud, guttural moan and his head goes back for a few seconds, his body undulating around me as I too cum, telling him so, as he continues to embrace me, his chest heaving with the exertion of the moment.
As I come to myself and my head bobs forward, and I look him in the yes, he smiled at me with his whole face and gives me a laugh of triumph and as I smile back, he grabs my neck and kisses me deeply again. Only then does he s.ip out of me.
We catch our breaths, and bath each other quickly and towel the other. We seem giddy with joy, but we are also tired, and as we get to the large, plush bed, we collapse into it when he raises the duvet. I get in and he embraces me and kisses my ear, whispering to me how fantastic that was, and how much he enjoyed every moment of it and does not wNt to let me go.
.........
We quietly doze and when I awaken, he is standing looking out at the evening turning to dusk. He has ordered food for us and turns to look at me. He is wearing only shorts with his belt loose, and he makes my breath catch in my throat as I look at him looking at me.
No regrets he says softly and reaches for my hand, turning it up and kissing it.
No, none, I reply. His eyes are raking over my naked state.
I watched you as you slept. You look so beautiful, he tells me, as he sits on the bed and reaches for my neck to kiss me long and deep. I am all worked up again.
..........
He lays my hand over his arousal and I place my hand inside his pants, happy to see that he has nothing else on under it. I squeeze him lightly and whisper in his ear that this is the best meal that I have ever shared.
He looks at me and gets over me then, kissing me continuously and shimmying out of his pants.

A few days ago my neighbor and I went to a large mall to do a project. I had not wanted to go. It would take up time from important school work, and she has a tendency to get easily side tracked. But I had promised her, and so, I went. Well, after the prize giving, which was the project for her paper, we went to the food court. While there a very handsome and well built Indian guy came up to look at the pastry menu at the spot we chose. He was wearing one of those school tee shirts with the trademark and khaki shorts, very relaxed. I looked at him and chided him, half asking, half telling him that I hoped that he really went to Warton's.
We got into a lovely conversation right off the bat, and it felt completely easy with him. However, we were both dragged back to earth by the people around me and those around him. I did not even get to ask his name or to give him mine.
This is the second time in months that I have met a man who attracts me in such a way. So much so that last night I decided to actually fantasize about him. It was completely sinfully decadent and satisfying.
I could actually see the scenario unfold to perfection and I was quite impressed with how far and how detailed my mind can be. What I liked about doing what I did, fantasizing about someone I only spoke to for a short time, was that it showed me how far I have come. I can think about a possibility without restriction. So I want to write what I thought about here.
............
I was out, somewhere, perhaps the bank and I had just completed my business and as I went to turn to leave, securing my money in my purse, I literally bounced right into him again.
I started to say, oh, I'm so sorry, my hand had gone out to steady myself as I was turning and I felt his hard thigh against my hip. I looked up a bit flustered and came away smiling, as he instantly recognized me, as I did him.
What are you doing here? He asks me, and his infectious smile has me smiling back like a drooling school girl. I say, what one does at a bank, how are you? Your still here?
yes, he says, I don' t want to leave I told you.
You did tell me.
We look at each other for a moment, and I blush and look down at my bag and shove my ourselves at last into my bag.
Hey, he asks, as we clearly both have been to the bank, how about lunch?
I look at him and smile and I say, sure. That would be fine.
He puts out his hand to have me walk ahead of him, and we exit the bank. He has a rental car and I get into it. I am completely comfortable with him, and I am very beautifully dressed. He also looks as gorgeous as ever in another tight tee shirt and jeans that fit him very well and sandals.
As we drive off, I ask him where he would like to go, at the same time he asks me. We both laugh nervously and he looks at me again, with a deeply penetrating gaze. I suggest one thing and he suggests another. We drive down the Woodbrook strip and then he says, very impulsively, do you mind if I say something to you?
I give him a look of, I suppose?!
Can we just skip the formality for now. I would just like to make love to you.
I burst into a short giggle before I look him dead in the eyes and tell him that I was hoping that he would indeed move past formality.
He smiles back at me and as he heads towards The Marriote, he reassures me that he is never this forward, and I let him know that neither am I, but that somehow, this does not seem to me to be wrong or too soon.
He gives me a wistful look, his eyes smiling along with his lovely lips.
He finds a parking space, and we go into the hotel. He holds my hand, our first physical contact, and I feel no concern about anything.
We get into the elevator and we are still holding hands. We do not need to say anything, and as the doors open, he leads me down the corridor. He has the key to swipe the door and we have a moment of giggles as it gives him a moment or two to hear the click.
As the door opens, the room is perfectly warm and sophisticated. But I barely register this, because he takes me into his arms and kisses me so perfectly that my head spins.

Now

Feeling flu...eeee tonight and able to spend some time not thinking about school work or projects...although I did, I had a moment to get a gist of a future project that I would like to do. I had collected a number of images of women last carnival and tonight I saw them done on voille and other filmy materials, in plain white frames. Sometimes I would add a bit of color to define what they were wearing. From seeing these pieces on a white wall in my mind, I formed an idea for the work that I was supposed to do for Jouvert. I will also include a Performance for the show. I have not worked on my own stuff for quite some time, and I got very excited about what I imagined. I may even be able to start as soon as I feel better. I think that I have some netting already.
This is how I shall combat my dirty little demons. I will shore up my highest good. I shall be my cheering squad. I will be my lover and believer and muse and friend.I always have been anyway.
I will talk to myself when I am tired and want to believe that I am stupid and unable to stand on my own two feet, and I shall say....is that all you got? And plow through and do what makes me so damn amazing, because I know that I am amazing.
Before I met him, I was very self contained, but there was this little cancer growing in me telling me that who was I kidding, I could not make such a living with what I believed I wanted to be doing. For a very long time that even seemed to be true.
But guess what?I do not believe that bullshit for a minute anymore.
I am exactly the right person that I am meant to be AT&T is very time,and I will succeed.

Finding out about myself

So often I think that I have taken way too long to get it.dealing with my ex husband today and hearing by the way about one of his brothers doing well, I felt a pang of sadness.when I bothered to probe my thoughts I realized that anything that bugs me is always about myself and about things that I secretly want for myself but have not accomplished as yet.
I felt as though my life was on standstill.
Now this is not true. But something in the comment that my ex said allegedly to our child about me, although I dealt with it at the time, it did carry a sting. He said that I was stupid.
Now this is simply his being very nasty. But it hurt my feelings anyway. There is still and possibly will always be some small part of me that has an insecurity about being liked.
As I looked at him today and felt all of the heaviness of hurt and regret, another side of me was being defiant, telling me, come on, can you really see yourself back with this person just because your daughter would like it to be so? But not only that, how can I even consider going back as a better place to be?I would be creating an extremely delicate illusion that would crumble at the first argument and painful insults hurled at me. No, I know that at was not it.
But then my red side stirred up and asked me whether I have been. Reluctant with my other ex because somehow I think that not giving completely to intimacy would somehow keep me in a place where I may harbor hope of some kind.
I flushed all of those dirty bastards out of my mind finally and confronted what I was really feeling......damn normal.
I was with this person for my entire adult life. It takes time to get through the loss of a living person who shared so much with you, not sharing this anymore. What do I expect?
And as far as not living my life, I have had these issues before I even met him. I have so,e serious fears that I have worked through in my life and I shall work through more and conquer them.
Letting cliches catch hold of me, when the right thing to do is to push through and get beyond the typical poor me feelings is what I will do.
It does not matter that he looks and acts successful and has all of the outward proof of it, and I am making small steps. They army steps! I own them. I am proud of myself and I have many things that I want to do for myself and for my daughter and the world at large.
That has always been how I got caught, thinking that someone else seems stronger and righter than me.
It helped to stay safe.....or so I thought.
Well no more.

Musings 2

The business I am creating is based on all of the work that was done last year with the band. I am now looking at ways to continue that, and at ways to make it happen.
The work shall require the creation of a warehouse space eventually. I also want to have a small staff. What I need to do as well, it to look at other business models and compare and contrast myself against them. I know that there are some places here that are like my idea. One or two of them work all year long.
The second thing I must do is to know what I may need to learn. I certainly will over time have to buy materials and machinery. I would also like to train and put people to work.

Musings

My class today was very good with Charan. It brought back an old memory to me. I asked myself the question, what do I think my life was supposed to look like today? I certainly never saw myself as a divorced mother of one living at home with my parents.
I realize now that I needed someone to tell me some things back then that I am only hearing now. One of these things was that i should not allow anyone to tell me what is best for me. I had to tell a student that just yesterday when she began to cry when something that she heard, she believed to be negative.
I did have this belief that I was passionate enough about what I wanted to do, but I had too many doubts. I think that I needed to have people around me who understood my ideas and visions. But then, I did believe enough in myself, it was just that I never seemed to feel that I had enough money or some other issue. I suppose everything in it's own good time.
That what it's are pointless. But I did think that I would have had the stability of a lovely home, ability ton travel and a husband with whom I was still very much in love, who supported my ideas and vision and had his own successes to boot. Someone I really liked and who made me feel very comfortable and secure within the union.
We would go on family vacations. I would have had one or perhaps two children much, much sooner, and they would be nearly grown themselves. I think that that was what was supposed to happen. He would have been liked by my whole family and we would have spent vacations at the relatives in Canada and New York, but we would also have enough money to travel with hotel accommodations made.
That was probably the life that I was supposed to have made for myself. I should have had some business where my name was relatively known, I keep to a slightly pretentious , upper middle class attitude of privilege, and had only friends like myself, further securing that attitude.

I would be getting out of my Land Rover, going to my home in the best part of the country, considering what else I could do to keep myself well toned. I'd be happy, but wonder what life would be like if I had taken some risks.
......... It was interesting to do that exercise, somehow do not feel a particular attachment to that what if, as though I would have liked to have had it. Even though much of my present goals may be inside there somewhere.
I am here in the present. I have the chance to make the life I want to make now. I am not interested in a what if?

It's the where am I going now that interests me. Can I get an amen!