Finding out about myself

So often I think that I have taken way too long to get it.dealing with my ex husband today and hearing by the way about one of his brothers doing well, I felt a pang of sadness.when I bothered to probe my thoughts I realized that anything that bugs me is always about myself and about things that I secretly want for myself but have not accomplished as yet.
I felt as though my life was on standstill.
Now this is not true. But something in the comment that my ex said allegedly to our child about me, although I dealt with it at the time, it did carry a sting. He said that I was stupid.
Now this is simply his being very nasty. But it hurt my feelings anyway. There is still and possibly will always be some small part of me that has an insecurity about being liked.
As I looked at him today and felt all of the heaviness of hurt and regret, another side of me was being defiant, telling me, come on, can you really see yourself back with this person just because your daughter would like it to be so? But not only that, how can I even consider going back as a better place to be?I would be creating an extremely delicate illusion that would crumble at the first argument and painful insults hurled at me. No, I know that at was not it.
But then my red side stirred up and asked me whether I have been. Reluctant with my other ex because somehow I think that not giving completely to intimacy would somehow keep me in a place where I may harbor hope of some kind.
I flushed all of those dirty bastards out of my mind finally and confronted what I was really feeling......damn normal.
I was with this person for my entire adult life. It takes time to get through the loss of a living person who shared so much with you, not sharing this anymore. What do I expect?
And as far as not living my life, I have had these issues before I even met him. I have so,e serious fears that I have worked through in my life and I shall work through more and conquer them.
Letting cliches catch hold of me, when the right thing to do is to push through and get beyond the typical poor me feelings is what I will do.
It does not matter that he looks and acts successful and has all of the outward proof of it, and I am making small steps. They army steps! I own them. I am proud of myself and I have many things that I want to do for myself and for my daughter and the world at large.
That has always been how I got caught, thinking that someone else seems stronger and righter than me.
It helped to stay safe.....or so I thought.
Well no more.