Is iit possible...

The kind of issues that I come across sometimes, I know that whatever I experience, I am not the first or the last. Yet sometimes, saying that does not matter. I established awhile back that three people kept engaging me. How big is my damn ego really? I thought that I was dealing with it, but it seemed to have metastercised. Is it possible (yes it is) to have a great deal of love for more than one person? I read recently that it is not possible, that somewhere, you are in one stage of love with one, perhaps agape...meanwhile in another with the other person.
I say, ok, that's one view, and I am not saying that I expect some sort of miraculous situation to fix itself because of this conundrum. It just is what it is at this time. It is a sum of many years, of standing guard with emotions that have been mutually felt. In some ways, it is beautiful, and I would say, ultimately, beautiful. But I also say, it is sad, heart wrenching, and not at all planned.
It is contradictory at best. But it is a blessing to know that you cannot die from so much love....so much love inside and around you.
So one turned into a hopeless disaster.
One, completely untouchable, and one actuality.

What!

My year seems to be teaching me some challenging things, and I am doing my best to be in a state of grace throughout because I suspect that my lesson is to maintain focus no matter what. I have been out of sorts Lately,feeling as though to much is coming my way. But I instantly think on frequent flyer, who was very down himself the other day and I sent him some uplifting information that really rejuvenated him, and today he sent me some wonderful news. A complete contrast to that day. I have let quite a bit of life knock me about. But as I adjust my vision, I see that there is much that still assists me in being who I am, and I meet myself as friend. I see myself as a fixer. I like solving problems. I appreciate looking at que's. I like to listen and feel out something. I enjoy looking at nature in every form. Walking brings me peace. I talk with people a lot, but I really try not to act like a know it all, but I can find myself holding forth sometimes. I like to challenge old ways of thinking, love reading and learning stuff. I love to find new things. Travel broadens my perspective. I am more optimistic than not.I can over think things at times. I am not quick to anger,and I try to give my anxieties, fear or discomforts observation enough to petter out, I feel very let down with myself when in the rare moments I have acted emotionally. This may mean that I like control, and in some ways, I do like to feel that there is order in my life. Success means less to me about people who have objects than it does about people who are living their lives in ways that show that they are content with themselves. I have seen both rich and poor with that facility to love what they have. I like to be around others who have developed themselves in a way where they have a rich amalgam of experiences. They have not only seen a great deal, but are curious about the future, very much in the world. I continue to like my own company. I am rarely bored. I am always thinking about possibilities. My child fills me with wonder. I am honored to be able to watch and mold her, while being fully aware that she is her own person. She is my child, but not my possession. I must hold her close when she needs it, but I must also let her go. I have lost at love and been challenged by it. It has confused me, made me act quite counter to some very longstanding beliefs, and I cannot look at it quite the same again. I now see it as punctuation to a larger whole. I do not know how else to put it. I am aware of the programming we are given in our world about what we should be doing and when, This is all well and good, but we also are much bigger than this construct.we choose these experiences and we can always do better, be stronger. I care about doing my best to be fair to others. I watch my words and my actions. I am sometimes spontaneous. Aim sometimes contradictory. I face doubt and fear and do what I can to transcend it. When you become my friend I treat it with care, perhaps more care than I have ever taken a romantic relationship. I have big goals for my work and my legacy. I spend too mcu time on things that keep me from taking more care of myself and I am doing something about it now. This is all I shall write tonight. I may continue this again at some point.

And now...on with the show

What the he'll do I really want? I was surprised the other day when I saw some writing that I did on my ideal man and realized that The Towers sounds exactly like the " ideal" that I listed. I am so frustrated with him! I got all spontaneous and spent a whole weekend with him, and we had a lovely time. Yet, now, a few days later I feel like I had Chinese food. I don't mean it to sound so bad! What I am trying to say is that I am having an experience with this person but trying to keep my head out of it. I am literally sort of being shallow because as I told him, he sends mixed signals. I do not know what to make of the whole thing. Sure I can play his game and call it nothing and just continue along this vague route, but to what end? How does something like this play out? Do I even want to play? What the hell is the point of such a thing anyway? Sure one can say, enjoy it now in the moment. I would like to be able to do that, but it makes me feel as though I'm being asked to be someone younger. Before him, I argued about my not seeming to want commitment. Now I am bitching about this situation. Sheesh! I may be the one at fault here. What messages am I sending as well?

I used to..

I created this blog with the intention of writing an online private diary. When I did it, I knew that it could be seen by the random viewer and I decided that in a way it was a compromise that I could live with. However, now I am finding myself hesitating to write my deepest feelings here and this bothers me. This is not what was supposed to happen here.I really need somewhere to acknowledge all of my insecurities, missteps, dirty little secrets and other neurosies. Now I feel like I have to pick and choose what I write because it may somehow compromise my anonymity, and that sucks big time. I want to experience and know all the facets of me, the good and the not so good. So I am going to try to move past this situation and keep to my initial intention, no matter what.