When I was in my twenties I used to be very worried that there was no space between my controlling my life and life controlling me. I used to feel like I was losing the battle every day. It took some time to acknowledge that I was making life that question. Am I in control or being controlled? That is not a foolish question. But it is not the only one on which to chart your life. Recently my ex-husband wanted my support with our child, so he did what he does, which is come across as a reasonable person. I bit because when it comes to down to what matters to me, I do not consider anything that he says more important than the welfare of our child. So, he annoys me, but I look at the act like one looks at a mosquito. It sounds like a lot next to your ear, but you can swat it away. What's bothering me now with him is that he's a mosquito that is now thinking himself privileged to come around doing what he does. I was hoping that by now he would be smart enough to notice that we are still tethered together, and that playing the game he plays is not only old, but played out. But no. He insists on being predictable, and now I must do what I can to throw him off believing that I am also predictable. From his standpoint he looks at himself as a victim. I know this because we have had that in common. Once he's doing that, all the power that he has, he uses it from that emotional space. Only one thing can shift him out of that and that is for me to counter his actions with big, bold moves that leave him bleeding. I can't really do this right now, I do not have enough to work with, and such grand gestures are such that when I make it, I expect that he stays down on the mat. A friend who knows this whole story tells me that he will never let this alone. It doesn't matter what I do, he'll keep upping the anti with me. I say, if that's the case, let him up it watching me through a telescope far away from being able to cause me any concern. He can only matter if I let him matter. I have gone up and down about him. He mattered for almost all of my adult life. I am writing now and fully aware that he still matters, or I would be able to write about other things and give absolutely no time to writing this. So I have to do some ego work here as well. Put the thing into perspective. Acknowledge that a bit of hating him soothes my soul for now because I would just like us to get along instead. But getting along makes me too comfortable and complacent, because the moment I relax, he'll stand up and try to kick me. I could leave him in a cage and run, but we are tethered by our child. Are we really? I have to be so careful, I might be writing this thinking that this is about his behavior but its really about mine. Months ago when my relationship with The Towers became something that I did not give a second thought about walking away from, I realized that I made the best decision for me, and it was right. Yet, what was interesting about my decision was that I saw something in myself, a hardness perhaps? I saw what my divorce has done for me.I can see that when I ask for things in my life that I may be relentless. A trait that caught me by surprise. I can admire it in others, but having it gave me pause. I have played up so much of my softness that my hardness, shrewdness I have to learn to accept that in me. I still somewhere don't want to make so obvious a mark on things. However, I also know that ti succeed, I must do so. I must even perhaps make a hole to drive through. These are the feelings and emotions that are my make up now, and I shall continue to write about it here because it is something that I have not even written in my everyday journal as yet. This is the first pace that i feel comfortable to state it in.

Before going to bed tonight, I thought that I would look at Chef's Table on Netflix. I have decided that every day I am going to do something to bring myself joy, and looking at a show that I find edifying and beautiful is a win/win situation. During the show, it dawned on me that sometimes I must remember that life, really well lived lives come from just believing in yourself and in your vision.stop wondering how things are going to work out for example. There are thoughts going through my head all of the time that deal with what I would like to be able to say or to do, and they get restricted by all sorts of distractions.Sometimes its because I am afraid to fail. Failure can really feel like a setback too great to surmount sometimes.It is necessary to see it for what it actually is...a tool for learning to proceed with more information than you began with. AM I teaching my child that life can still be lived with wonder?I have to lead by example. I might bring that across in my work, but I can do so much more. Tonight I am going to go to sleep and ponder on this. I look forward to the answers I get.

In a world where selfies, I-phone 7's and Instagram rule the day, it sometimes feels as though stepping aside from the rush of daily life is somehow a dramatic move to make. When I wrote the other day about my Auntie Sapphire, I really was moved by the person she was. I have aways found that I look at other things and other people, ascribing power of some sort to them. I would be impressed with anybody but myself. Lol.I could vicariously state what they had done or what they planned to do next. There lives seemed more precious or special than my own in a way. It was subtle, and I could have missed that I was doing that with my thinking. It was not to say that I was not hoping, wishing or planning things for myself. It was just that in doing so, I was not inclined to 'invest' in my own thoughts about my wellbeing. As stated before, it was easier to look outside myself and ascribe emotion to someone else life. For years I began to slowly adjust that thinking. I would write in my diaries at the very top...focus ONLY on what You want...very suspicious of the word...YOU. You could very easily push my thoughts to 'other'. So I eventually got around it, to writing, Focus on WHAT "I" want. This proved to be a challenge as well, as my bad habit of not wanting to confront deep emotional adjustments would instantly latch on to where my thoughts were going and distract me in so many ways. it would become exhausting to push my mind back to finding my answers for myself. An example of this part of my thinking is as follows-: on my job, I may be doing a task and someone asks me to help them with something else, promising me payment for my efforts. I agree and approach the task with gusto. I might even finish faster and truly make everyone look good once its done. Then all of a sudden, the same promise of payment becomes something murky. Something vague...i am told to write to this person, go to that office, ask this or that person...I know that someone has played a nasty game, and that my payment was a way to steal from me. My habit is to drag my feet. The whole thing now becomes so unpleasant to me, that I take my time bringing things to justice. That is my attitude, and this year, I have been confronting that about myself. I have pushed and stayed on topic. I have NOT allowed the awkward situation to get the better of me and made excuses for the unfairness done to me. I have pursued the unjust experience and called people on their callous behavior. It has made me stronger. I still feel a sense of dread when I have to stand up for myself in matters like that, but I am now doing it and not stepping away.

some wonderful things happened this week that I must record. I thought that I had lost some work of mine about a year ago. I kept intermittently looking for it, getting more and more anxious as with every attempt I yielded nothing. I found myself discussing the loss with two colleagues of mine and they both tried to see whether they could help me retrieve it online to no avail. I really appreciated their help, and when I got home, I looked in the same location to see whether I could find it, but I too was unsuccessful. Then, at about one thirty in the morning I sat bolt upright in my bed with a very strong hunch about where I might find what I was looking for. I put on my computer, went to my oldest email address and typed in the name of my old partner, and there, very simply was his email to me with nine files of the images that I had been looking for for so very long. I was aghast and grateful at the same time! I thanked him and thanked him in my heart and on my lips as finally I was able to go to bed, comfortable in the understanding that I had finally found what I had searched for for so very long. The fact that I found it did wonders for my faith. I suddenly felt great confidence in my ability to be still and know. But I also thanked my darling boy, for he knew me so well, and I did him, that I almost laughed at myself. How could I not have thought that I would find it where I did? All of this time I had recalled that he had shown the images to me on Wordpress that I gave him the password to, and asked him not to tell me because I had some serious work to do, and did not want to be distracted by writing on the site any further while I got my deadlines met. He died, and I was never again able to get into the account. At that early hour in the morning, when I saw what I had been looking for, Ifelt that he and I communicated this situation to happen as it was meant to. ...... Being still and knowing continued to suit me, as just today,I finally had the opportunity tithing about two of my large goals, and discuss them with my mother.Usually, I would feel a bit uncertain when telling anyone, particularly my mother about my plans. I did not feel that way this time.I was speaking with a knowledge that I had thought out the good, bad and indifferent regarding my circumstances. I caught no approval.I was speaking aloud, being conscious of stating in the moment the very real intentions before me, and it was good.I had not done that in a long time. My ex-husband's text messages to me this week that threatened to upset me was the catalyst to buoying up my personal resolve and strength. I have much to do, and what is wonderful about what occurred this week is that I know that I turned a significant page in my approach to my life. ..... I thank another person long gone, Auntie Sapphire, thank you. You were so ahead of your time. You were so fearless and so beautiful, wise and kind. The thought of you jumped into my mind as I spoke to my mother, and I remembered how much you used your creativity and boundless energy to make things happen. You may have had moments of defeat or doubt, but I never saw you being disparaging or despondent. You took people under your formidable strength of character and your warm smile and good heart never made any of us feel anything but love and regard for you. The memory of you this week spoke to me and said...go be the pioneer that you know you are. Your here to do new things, build new vistas, the limit is only there if you place them upon yourself. ...... My heart vibrates with love and pride at the fact that I have reached to this phase in my thinking. I am deeply grateful

Earlier this year I was thinking about how much emotion can lead your life and how much that can become the only thing that you can think about and feel if you observe it. I believe that a great part of romantic relationships are lived out as purely emotional experiences heaped together with constant need for validation and approval. I am actually not trying to make a judgement on emotions,it is simply an observation. It sounds stupid because everything you feel is translated into emotion. But somehow, it is in my thinking, not worn on your visage the way love affects you. You can have emotional about your profession, but logic can guide that predominantly. Facts and figures can mask those emotions. There are many things where logic and practicality can keep strong feelings at bay. It can come a time where you can actually feel that your very sensible and reasonable. So, I set about testing the theory. ................................... Emotions trump logic. ................................... When you are led by your emotions, you fall out of step with everything else. You are letting vibes guide you. It is addictive and religious in its strength. No one can shift you from your position. Media and other forms of indoctrination seems to be hard wired into you and you would argue with your very conscience as to why you have to do whatever it is that your instincts are saying to you. It is almost funny. In some ways, you almost cannot fight against instinct, you can only defer it. Again, I am probably writing nonsense, but I want to put these thought down.

There are times when I have definitely felt as though life was going by without my input, and I must state here that I have also spent a great deal of time thinking that that was a bad thing. It's funny, but being indifferent and allowing life to unfold is a very spiritual choice. Yet, I have felt that somehow, it means that I have been failing in some way. I certainly felt that way when it came to my ex husband a few days ago, where I started to have a conversation with him about our child's future learning opportunities, and all he did was remind me of the court orders. I was so crestfallen! I felt as though nothing I have tried to do has made even a slight dent in his mind. I am also very, very tired of having to go through his mother to get to him. i thought when he was ill last week-end, it would give both of us the opportunity to see how fragile life is. But truthfully, he has not ever had that sensitivity. I was so hurt that I decided yet again to have nothing to do with him, and to focus only on the time that I have access to our child. I have always felt that he wastes time, and time is such a valuable thing. I think that I need to just give myself a moment to lament that and move on.

When I do not write for some time,it is always because I have some issue getting into my blog. It can be frustrating. But tonight, I have been able to, and it is a cold, wet night, perfect for curling up in your bed under your quilt. My ex is under his with a bad cold, and I am concerned about him. It is crappy when you feel something for someone, and in my instance concern, regard...they have never gone away, even if I thought that I had buried them. I was at his home last week, and he was as unsociable as he has always been. I was in a very different state of mind then. It seemed to me that my very presence irked him and I had to express my annoyance about it to him. We are in such a delicate place, he and I. We have been through a great deal, and I am still chafing from it. Yet, we are now at a place where the focus is on our darling child. But it is still not actually there yet. We have much to do. I come to my blog tonight because of my mixed feelings. I need to know what I want and what challenges my ability to achieve what I ultimately want. For many years I would say that I wanted civility from him. In a way, i have finally gotten that. But in other ways, I have not gotten that from him, because it is quite superficial sometimes. One moment he seems like he can be cordial, and the next, he's being a complete ass. i have to accept that, and I have, but so often, I just want to throw i the towel, becauseI feel as though all of my effort accounts to nothing. But now that he is not feeling well, I feel really sorry for him. he needs some tender loving care, and I can see that despite how he comes across, he is someone still keeping a lot in. This is not my problem, and he does not imbue in me the ability or desire to want to reach out, because when i do, I am rejected....that it simply frustrates. Tonight though, I would say that I can separate my feelings a bit and state that I will talk to him about some of my concerns. ...... Why is it so hard for me to let my feelings follow a certain pathway sometimes? I am going to try to do it now. ...... Everyone getting along...how nice that would be. Calling on the phone without an attitude...easy conversations between rivals...visits, very comfortable meetings...Then, between he and I, the same. Conversations and meetings are easy for both of us. Awkwardness is gone. I actually feel that we are achieving something good. It does not have to be romantic. It has to be mutual. Just writing that make me feel lighter. Imagine I do not dare write something so simple because of the experiences I have had over three decades. How good it would feel to be able to catch his eye, smile and laugh from a genuine place. To be friends. What a relief it would be to me. ....... What's wrong with putting that out there? Imagine holding back from something that would bring so much joy. I am glad that I took the time to do it.